Going... Going... Found!

How often do you sit and wonder why things have to be so hard?

How much time do you spend thinking of all the things that can go wrong?

Do you run through a million possible what if scenarios in your head?

Think of all the time and energy you spend doing that.

You cannot expect an easy and quick outcome if you are dividing your attention and energy to two different spectrum's of the field.

The outcome will eventually manifest, but how it manifests depends on the type of thoughts and energy you bring it's way.

Think of it this way. All your conscious thought and energy is equal to 100%. There is something you really want to happen (i.e. selling a house) and you know this is your desired outcome. How long does it need to take? How easy will it be?

For me I divided my attention and energy more towards the What if's and I have to's of this process.

I'd say I spent 85% of my inner thoughts on a deal falling through, or maybe what would happen IF I didn't sell my place.

It took me along time to get to the point of letting it go. On the last day of my realtor's contract I had already decided that I was going to take my house off the market for a bit, that I was just going to forget about all the headache of having to prepare the house every week for showings or open houses.

I was done spending all of my energy in trying to make the house nice enough, good enough or right enough for someone to want to buy it (man that sounds alot like feeling unworthy).

And I let go. And an offer came that day, the last day of the contract. It took a bit of negotiating but at the end of it I was clear that if they didn't accept my conditions, then the deal would be null and void. I was not willing to play the game anymore.

During this time my thinking flipped to the other end of the spectrum. Maybe 5% of me worried. 10% of me got fired up. and the other 85% was willing to allow whatever would happen to happen.

And it happened. This morning, the buyers signed off on what I wasn't willing to budge on. It is done.

I wonder if I allowed myself to worry 15% of the time instead of 85% at the beginning how quickly the sale of my house would have manifested.

I had held so much "baggage" with this house that it weighed down my NEEDING to sell it.

A year ago when I first the thought of putting this house up for sale was an out to a relationship I had no desire of being in anymore.

Then I thought the sale of this house was going to be the salvation to my financial difficulties.

After that my thought was of financial security in creating a new beginning for my children and I.

Thoughts that followed soon after was of my despair and need to be away from the memories that this house held.

And finally after all of those burdens and baggage were tied into this event... it made me resentful that the house wasn't selling.

When I began to take charge of my life again (no longer willing to be victim), my experience with the house began to change. It could sell, or not, and it was going to be just fine. It wasn't going to make or break me.

As each day passes I become reacquainted with the strong woman I am. I remember that all of these things (listed above) do not define me. There is only one thing that defines me... MYSELF.

Pheonix Rising

I'm burning the ashes that remain of my past.

Emerging into the freedom of creating from a clean slate.

Not willing to focus any more attention on the what if's and worries.

Energy can be much better used for creating.

Need to read the Pheonix Rising again.

It is time.

Odd State of Suspension

Yes I am claiming my life back.

Yes I am starting fresh and new.

Yes I will have no limitations that I won't be able to work with.

And yet I notice, I'm in this odd state of suspension.

So many good things are happening so fast around me. In my life (for the good) and in the lives of those I love.

I want to celebrate. I want to rejoice. But I sit keeping a lid on my excitement in fear of the ass falling out of it.

I've had a bottle of champagne in my fridge since the spring, waiting for one of two events to happen. 1) Get the acting assignment I was wanting at work OR 2) Selling my house.

Well I got my acting assignment and started it in July, yet at that point there were enough other things going on in my world that I didn't feel much like celebrating.

Now just last week, I agreed upon an offer for my house and I put a deposit down on a flat that I absolutely adore. And I am in this freeze mode, a state of suspension... is it done? Do I celebrate? Or am I going to be disappointed? Today they buyers did their home inspection and again I'm wondering... did everything go okay? What if, what if, what if?

This is not a nice feeling for me. Someone who has learned what I have learned, know what I know and have trusted in my experience. Yet now, with the events of my recent past, I am waiting for my world to get turned upside down again.

I would love to be singing in the streets... yet if I do it and allow myself to feel the joy that is inside... what happens if it doesn't go through? Can I handle another disappointment?

The sale of my house truly signifies a new beginning for me. Letting go of the past. Not having a physical space where I have so many memories. It is the rebirth of a woman who has her whole future at her feet. A financial clean slate. Security for my girls, space for my girls. New beginnings.

Have you ever wanted something so badly you were afraid to breath in fear of losing it?

That is where I am right now... in this odd state of suspension.

We shall see what tomorrow brings...

Yehaw?~? Yipee!!! I'm so happy! Can it be? This is it? A breath above water!!! New Beginnings!!!

The Breaking Point

It's almost 11 p.m. on a school night and my beautiful 13 yr old just finished crying her eyes out on my shoulder.

I have been separated now since the end of January, and since the end of May my kids have had no contact with their father (other than a few text messages).

Much like I was as an adolescent (am in some ways still), Jessica has been pretty marvelous at putting up a front and hiding her emotions. Tonight she came into say "I love you" after she already had been in bed... that was an invitation for me.

As I held her and asked her what was going on, did she have things running through her head, she released her "sadness" and sobbed in my arms. "I miss him" she managed to get out. And as I held on to her, telling her I know, waiting for her to stabilize a bit until I can say to her that I honestly can't imagine what she is going though.

And I don't, for my parents, even though they divorced still had free access and contact to both my sister and I. And as she cried some more with that acknowledgement, I told her that there is really nothing I can tell her, other than I will always be there for her when she needs me.

I asked if she has been in contact with him through text, and she has, but she is still feeling the huge loss.

Another dam broke and she managed to get out that the last time she saw him she didn't want to be there. So of course I let her know that she should not feel guilty about that. It's not her fault, that all of this is F'd up (yes I swore) and that it is absolutely NORMAL for a teen aged girl not to want to have to go visit a parent if they'd rather go with their friends, and she should not hold that as something that is wrong.

I told her that her father loves her and that last time she saw him would not be the LAST TIME EVER (and as she sobbed tears of relief I silently hope and pray for the sake of my beautiful teenager that she has another opportunity to see him so her memories will not be that of "not wanting to be there").

And this is all I can do. Hold her. Let her cry. Allow her to feel whatever she is feeling and acknowledge those feelings. Yes it's shitty. Yes you miss him. And NO it's not your fault.

I am very thankful there seems to be an abundant amount of energy and strength for me to draw on during these times when I most need them.

Jess seems to have had her first breaking point. This movement will allow for more strength, love and the next stage to happen. Who knows what that will be? I can't say for sure, but I know that I will be here in whatever way she needs me to be when she does.

A Whole New World (yet again)

School starts tomorrow in Nova Scotia.

Jessica will be entering Grade 8... no longer the bottom of the totem pole, but not yet at the top. She is excited (has been for weeks now), although in typical teenager fashion she swears she is only excited to see her friends and not for "school".

Sara is starting school tomorrow too. They call it ELO (Early Learning Opportunities), her school is one of 6 in the city that offer this program. I feel fortunate that I am still here to take advantage of this. Sara just turned 4 yrs old this summer. She is so very excited for school. Although tonight when I tucked her in she asked if there would be boys there. LOL, oh they start young.

Once again the school year starts. It will hold plenty of learning, discovery and many firsts (and lasts too). My eldest will learn new skills (Family Studies & Woodworking) and is hoping to hone her organizational skills. My youngest will be learning to engage in a new environment.

Me? My life shifts once again. I change my working hours to accomodate Sara's school starting hours. My baby... is growing up. And my other baby... is rapidly showing me the ways she has matured in a woman. As Sara explores her independance (as every 4 yr old does), Jessica is there to offer an encouraging word to her exhausted mother.

Time slips by quickly. I know I am utterly blessed. Even though I seem to have my challenging times with myself & how I interact with my kids, I intend on taking a few minutes at the end of each day and writting down the gifts I recieved that day. The joke, the hug, the I love you's, the "You're a Rockstar"... and breath it all in exhaling the love I hold for my girls.

Intention + Action... is the key to manifesting a meaningful life. As you will it.

Puddle Jumping

The rain came long and hard at the end of the days work. Perfect for puddle jumping.

Sara couldn't wait until we were done supper to don her rubber boots and rain coat and get out in the promised puddles that she wanted to walk in on our drive home.

I think of Jessica when she was Sara's age and the "rules" I had about that. Never letting her expereince the freedom of playing in the gift that nature brought.

I remember how much fun I had as a child when I could go out and splash around in a mid summer down pour.

How many rules do I still hold that might redirect one of my children from having an unforgettable memory?

Sometimes it is good to let your hair down and go laugh and play in the mud.

I think of my friend Danielle, whom I have always envied in her carefree nature. Going out mud sliding in the valley, allowing her son to express himself with his artwork and never redirecting him to draw rainbows and puppies instead of decapitate people. LOL

And when you let one of your "rules" go... you get to experience a magical gift. The joy, laughter and delight that your child revels in when doing something that connects them to the essence of who and what they are. You also get to laugh and feel the sheer joy that comes to you when you join them!

Letting your hair down. Why do you hold the "rules" you hold? Are they because they are what society expects of you? Because of what you were taught as a child? Or are they there because of your own fears or insecurities of your past? Do those "forbidden" joys really pose a danger? No? They let the puddles fly!

p.s. Who made up the rule "i" before "e" except after "c"? That doesn't always work.

Nurturing my Soul

The need to get back into writing again is strong within me.

The excuses I provide myself to "not" do it were strong too, but they are no longer serving me.

I have decided that I will write at least every 2nd day.

I feel the need because allowing my words to flow out of me has always nurtured my soul.

I wonder sometimes what I have been holding onto lately... that is keeping me stagnent in my life. Things are moving, I'm doing things, but not like I used to, and perhaps it is because I am not allowing my creativity and light to flow. Time to switch gears, time to let it go.

Being a single mom 24/7 has it's ups and downs, such as everything else in life. I am tired, I am craving quiet at times... and I love that I get to be told that I'm a "Rockstar" by my 4 yr old Sara and get to know my eldest more deeply.

Jessica and I are still working on our relationship. I have to learn to trust and release. I have to learn when to let go of the small stuff and listen to the small stuff. It is definately a work in progress, yet I know it will always be evolving. I think of my relationship with my mother that still is and will always be a fluid one. Because each moment there is something new to discover.

I have been holding onto my house that I have been trying to sell since October of last year. And I am getting very weary and tired of it. I have almost (ALMOST) given in and resigned myself to the thought that I would never be able to sell it. Luckily I realized that this week and need to have a little discussion with my house. Maybe some Ho'oponopono to help me let go, instead of searching and trying to list the reasons why I need so badly for it to be sold.

Yes indeed, it is time for me to nurture my soul. Let go. Release. Open. Invite. Live. Celebrate.

Welcome into my life, I am here with open arms.

Canada Post - The last Great Canadian Institute?

On Saturday, August 23rd (tomorrow), there is a "Save our Postal Service" rally in Halifax, Nova Scotia at the Grand Parade Square starting at noon.

The Canadian Government has begun a "Strategic Review" of your Post Office. This review will look at deregulating your Post Office. This can result in less service and higher prices to the public and small business, but better service and lower costs to big companies and large-volume mailers.

This is not the post office we want!

There will be no public hearings.

The public, the real owners of the Post Office, will not have their say.

They do not want your opinion.

Tell them anyway.

What you can do:

1. Come out to the Public Forum / Rally at the Grand Parade Square tomorrow.
2. Before September 2nd, 2008 write to the Review Panel chaired by Mr. Robert Campbell (e-mail info@cpcsr-esscp.gc.ca and cc your MP)
3. Write your MP today! Tell them you want deregulation off the table, demand public consultations on the future of Canada Post (http://www.upce.ca/en/pdf/Negotiations/stratReviewLetter_e.pdf)

If you are in anyway concerned about the future of Canada Post and in a way more importantly if you are outraged that the government is making these kinds of decisions behind closed doors, do something to stop them in their tracks!!!

I will be doing a short speech at tomorrows rally. If you are there because of what you have read here, come and say hi to me after the speeches.

I really believe in making a difference and taking a stand. Sometimes it is through personal discoveries, sometimes it is doing something like this talking about something I believe in.

One person, one voice... but it echos to many. Collective voices can THUNDER!

Tourists... laugh

Yesterday I was outside talking with a friend on the corner and this little old lady with a "name tag" walks by a few steps behind her another elderly lady appears and says "I think we're lost".

Then she sees my friend and I and approaches us. She is from the southern U.S. she says "Do y'all speak English?"

I'm thinking um, you are in Canada and debate saying to her, no, we speak Canadian but hey, I'm all about helping people out so I tell her "Yes, of course, can I help you with something?"

She says "Can y'all tell me where the tourist information building is?"

I say "No problem, it's down a block and over a block right on the boardwalk on the water"

She says "No it's not, I was told it was up this way"

I said, "Nope, it's just back there in behind the Museum"

She gets agitated and says "NO, they told us when we got off the bus that the building was a block up this way"

I take a breath and say "The bus drop off is right in front of the museum and the information place is right in behind it"

She pretty near cuts me off and starts to walk away saying "No, you don't know what you are talking about it's not on the water I know, you're wrong."

As she is stalking off (as much as little old ladies do) she sees her bus drive down the next street and she's waving at it like a mad woman... "that's our bus, they'll know"

I shake my head and think, man, if you don't want my help, don't ask... lol

What an experience.

I hope that when I go to another country to travel I at least have enough sense to a) read up on the place and b) take the advice of the locals.

Do y'all speak English? I do.

I speak some french too.

And some polish (just the bad words my father & uncles taught me).

Why don't the tourist companies let them know what to expect? Might help get rid of the stereotypes we all hold if we educate ourselves on other countries & cultures.

Do we really get it?

The other day I went to lunch with a colleague of mine and we go to talking about my past, of how I came to be, what I went through etc, etc.

So she got a really condensed version of the whole meal deal. She got the loneliness of an adolescent who wanted escape, she got the young woman who was homeless, the girl and woman who was on welfare, the single mother who left with her baby to leave for another province, the single mom who finally wanted a better life and scraped by to get into college (I'm still paying off the student loan)... everything.

As she was shocked and in awe over my story, not having expected me to come from a back ground like that. She said how strong I was, and look at me now you got your shit together. All those things and yes, this past of mine, has played a part in the woman I am today.

Today towards the end of the day, I hear her speaking on the phone. She is talking about someone she knows and being very judgemental about being on welfare, disability or whatever the case may be. And I tried to ignore the conversation and go about my business, but everything she was saying with a disgusted, better than thou, voice... was me. All of it.

I left work early today. I didn't want to listen to those words any longer as I allowed myself to think less of myself because of opinions like those for too long.

One day I education someone on something they may not have known about me, and they appear to be taken by my story. The next they forget I am right here, that all of those things I am/was, and they don't realize... that might have been the background history of the person they were talking to on the phone and they didn't even realize it.

It saddens me a great deal. Not so much for myself, but for the realization that although people can be made aware of things... they may choose not to make a connection. To consider that those of us who are not the same (different race, culture, class, gender, background, sex preference) are somehow inferior to you... less then the rest.

Wake up People!!!!

We all have our own personal "hells" in our lives which we have survived or will survive in our future. I hope to god that no one is sitting there looking down their nose at you when you are in the midst of it!

When I got home from the gym tonight I noticed my colleagues phone number on my phone. Perhaps she realized when she got home how much her words in her conversation to another had cut through me.

Do we really "get it"?

Will we ever "get it"?

Do you want to "get it"? That is what it boils down to. If you are happy with they way you live... in your words, judgements and actions... I guess there is nothing to "get".

Reflection or an Invitation

I believe that things happen in your life for a reason.

I believe that what comes into your awareness is in someway a reflection of yourself.

I couldn't comprehend how something that was distasteful or horrific could enter into my life and not in someway be a reflection of myself.

I stuggled with my beliefs because I knew deep down inside that although this was my new reality THIS WAS NOT ME!

I remembered that in each moment we have the choice.

I remembered that in every awareness is an opportunity for more.

I remembered that with each discovery or awareness of something in your life isn't always a reflection it is also an invitation.

I can choose to make that invitation anything I want.

I have this in my life. I have a new insight on this particular situation. I am who I always have been, and one day I can speak of my expereinces and be the invitation for others with whom my story resonates to know they are not alone. It was not them. Nor was it their actions or inactions that brought this experience into their lives.

And the healing can begin. As it is with me. This invitation is also here for me to choose to define my life and not be defined by it.

An invitation to the more that is. Choosing along the way.

Integration

Today was a day for integration. It seemed that my 3 differently themed blogs have combined... integrated.

I'm no longer feeling the need for seperation/compartmentalizing. I simply am me. All I've ever been, and the potential of my future me is very bright once again.

In speaking with a friend today I was explaining how I was having trouble making sense of the crisis event that happened in May. If everything happens to you for a reason (i.e. awareness or growth) and if I am aware of this "thing" in my life that it is somehow an aspect of me or of who I will be, how in the hell can something so unfathomable be in any way related to the person I am.

You see for the past few months I was only seeing this "crisis" as somehow a direct reflection of who I am. As my friend pointed out to me today I gives me the understanding and compassion and unique insight to help others cope who are in similar experiences.

Well OF COURSE... it resonated with me. I don't have to wear the baggage of this event, I can learn from myself and how I continue to move through this and transform that into something that is meaningful in my life.

So "crisis" is an invitation for me.

As well, tonight I had my appointment with a trainor at the gym. My whole healthy self blog is integrated today into who I am... Taking charge of my health. Focusing on my personal ideal and working towards manifesting that.

The trainor asked me tonight what my goal was. For me it isn't a magic number nor a specific size, it is all about how I wish to feel and to be able to have more energy to PLAY!

My "whole healthy self" is about my own personal leadership. Who I am, how I feel, what I say, what I do, it is all an invitation for me to take the reins and led my life instead of being lead by it.

I am a single mom. 24/7 full time. It is frustrating sometimes not having time to myself, time to think, time to decompress, time to breath... however I am (as my 4 yr old put it) a ROCKSTAR! lol, it is times like those, when my lively 4 yr old hugs me and says stuff like that or when my 13 yr old says she can finally understand how tiring it must be when I do it all, that make it more than worth it. See World of Singlemomdom blog.

A few weeks ago I took my kids (and a friends daughter) to Magic Mountain in Moncton, NB. What an amazing albeit short time we had there. On the way home we stopped at the Indian Handcraft Store outside of Truro, NS. I was looking at the wares and making a few purchases when my 13 yr old told me I should buy a certain necklace for myself. It is a polished green circle stone with a metal bear claw symbol ontop of it.

I looked at this necklace and thought of how protective and fierce a mother bear can be and I bought it.

A few nights later I was wearing it and Jessica asked if people at work commented on the necklace. I said they did, she then told me that the reason she thought it was fitting was because a mother bear is a very good mother and loves her cubs and is very protective of them, sometimes over protective.

I told her I thought that was very fitting and I had indeed thought of the same thing. Out of the mouth of babes eh? (If you can call 13 a baby).

So this is where it's at. This is all of me. The woman, the mother, strong, soft, loving, fierce all rolled into this package. The one who stuggled with the challenge of once again becoming a single mother. The one who struggled with body image and self esteem... this is the one stop shop.

Welcome back to you all... and thank you for your welcome back to me!

Forgotten but not Gone

Here I write in my long neglected domain. What a crazy life I have been living lately.

In the midst of major family crisis I seem to be floundering on who I am. It is almost as if I lost my sense of self. The old me (the writer, the super mom, the me of a mere few months ago)… is not who I allow myself to be anymore. I have allowed doubt to enter back into my world.

And finally as I come up on the other side of the surface, I recognize that I allowed myself to be a victim to the circumstances. I allowed this crisis to define who I am and what I can do. I no longer own my business. I no longer life coach. I no longer give workshops. Oh don’t get me wrong here, I have the desire still inside of me yet I feel the doubt. Who am I to do this when I have such CRAP going on in my life? How can I stand up to be witnessed when I feel tainted by the acts and deeds of others who I chose at one point to be part of my life?

I feel an emptiness and sadness. I had resolved that my life would never be the same again. And now… here deep beneath the doubts is my soul, my spirit, my godforce, screaming and demanding to be recognized once again.

Last weekend I picked up a gift for a friend on my vacation with the kids. I don’t know why I picked it up, I did not plan on picking anything up for this friend, yet I did and I knew a trip to Oceanstone to search for myself was in my near future.

I went for coffee with Margot last week and I told her about my need and desire to do a day trip or an overnighter at Oceanstone. When we discussed my intention for going… waves of emotion began to arise. I need to reconnect with me… with who I know I am inside, unchanged, untainted, strong, beautiful, driven, open to life and connected.

So in the next week if you are there, you will find me by the ocean listening to the waves, wind and my spirit. Or under a tree on the moss laden ground listening to the song of my soul.

Life is good… I was just allowing myself to be blind to it.

Dandelion Fairies

As I sit in my sadness in the sunshine and warmth
Dandelion Fairies float into my awareness.

The birds are chirping loudly and furiously
Demanding I pay attention to my surroundings.

I feel the breeze dance across my skin
And I remember who I am and why I am here.

Yet as those dandelion fairies dance in the wind
I wish I was them, flying on the breeze until I find my way home.

For the dandelion fairies know that when the breeze dies down
They will take root in their chosen place and transform and grow.

Eventually those fairies will become flowers, standing still rooted in the ground.
Until they give birth to dozens upon dozens of magical fairies just waiting to be released and find their joy, dancing upon the wind.

Bringing magic and joy to the children who add their breath to them to set them free,
Once again being release to fly, swoop, dance on the wind, play in the breeze and start a new.

Dandelion Fairies… reminding me of the magic and wonderment in my life
Letting my spirit soar on the wind, heeding the calls of my feathered friends.

Releasing… renewing… rejoicing.

It's seems like forever...

It seems like forever since I have blogged. Forever since I have sat quietly and journaled. And yet I sat wondering why am I static?

I forgot how fast life moves when you are willing to engage authentically. To stand raw and be seen. To say things and be heard. To listen and to be listened to.

I have been going like the energizer bunny... yet hiding at the same time. Being busy for the sake of being busy.

Day Job, Coaching, Single Parenting, Home Owner Selling, Union President Helping, Friend listening and playing.

I was allowing myself to become so busy I didn't have time to think.

Ever since the end of January when I ended my relationship I have been occupying my time with other things so I didn't have to sit with what it is like to be me, here and now.

I busied myself so I did not have to grieve a ended relationship. So I wouldn't cry over something that I needed to do for me.

I kept myself occupied so others would not pity me. So my children wouldn't be upset. So others would know that I really did choose to be a single mother again. My choice. Yet I chose to ignore the feelings that come up with ending a part of your life.

It all came to a breaking point. One which I haven't fully allowed myself to process yet. I have still been fighting it back and stuffing it down. Being strong. Being in control. Not wanting anyone to have the satisfaction of saying...

Of saying what? That I'm human? That I hurt? That even though I chose it I can still grieve it?

So I have not fully moved through what I need to move through in order to move on.

And I begin. I'll journal specifically surrounding the end to this part of my life. After the fact (lord knows I've did enough before it).

And tomorrow... who will emerge? Me of course, one who remembers to be gentle with herself and allow herself to stop... breathe...and re-source.

Life is indeed good.

Open Letter to the Universe

I am ready. I am open. I am love. I am you.

This house is ready to be bought.

This body is ready to be transformed.

This heart is ready to be loved.

This being is ready to engage.

The time isnow. My gift to you is trusting, loving & being myself.

Thoughts really do become things... if only you let them.

Victim or Creator - The Choice is Yours

Right now in my life I have been attracting people who are at choice points.

Either they are sick and tired, knowing life isn't working for them... yet choosing to make excuses to stay in the same old rut they have been in for years now.

Or they are at a point in their lives where they know they can no longer go on living how they are and need a kick to begin to change their lives.

Or they are finding out the hard way that if you are not clear in who you are and what direction you are going EVERYONE (and their mother) has an opinion on how you should live your life.

All of these people are showing up in my life right now, at various stages of evolution in their own personal journey.

Some choose to remain in the victim role, because they can't afford not to (money does not equal happiness or good health for that matter).

Some choose to remain in the victim role because they can't see how not to live that way, it is scary to take ownership of your life.

And yet there are these others who have come into my life recently who are all about MOVING INTO themselves to move forward in life. To create the future they wish, but they just needed to be reminded how to do it.

Victim or Creator... either is a place to stand that is serving them (for whatever their reasons).

It takes strength and courage to move from victim to creator... and I know that the strength and courage needed is accessible to all of us.

We just need to remember it and take ownership of our own lives again.

The choice is always yours. If you are ready to move forward with your life I'd love to talk to you about that. If you choose to remain static... you are making that choice.

Evolution, transformation, change... it doesn't have to be hard... it does, however, usually take you out of your comfort zone.

Writing things down, making lists, saying things... it's all good, but change will only happen when you take those first few steps... forward motion, life unfolding, emerging, shaping your future.

Keeping Yourself, in the presence of another

The funny thing about life is that it is organic... it grows, it thrives, it retreats, it ebbs, it flows.

I am once again in a place of transition. I've ended a major relationship with the father of my 2 children. My house is for sale. I'm coming to find out what it means for me to be a single woman again (as the person I am now). And there is a possible new job on my horizon.

As each week passes a little more freedom is found. As the weather warms each day a new song sings within my soul. This indeed is a time for transformation. A time for me to celebrate in the newly found freedom of what I have and have FUN doing so.

And I have been sick... curious that. It seems I got sick when I started to remember and explore the fun I used to have. It's been pretty steady I'm in my 3rd weekend of being sick. All my symptoms are on my left side of my body. Sore throat, Fever (all of me), rash, now my left eye has a cold in it. What am I not paying attention to?

As I pondered this last night soaking in my tub it came to my awareness that I need to make sure I do not lose myself in the freedom I am experiencing. I still need to nurture and grow who I am as I am engaging with others. I need to remember who I am and remember to check in with myself to see if the impulse to do or not do something is serving me. Is it my gut instinct? Or am I just going with the flow because it feels good? Does it matter?

Why is it that for 2 years I could be around sick people and not get sick, yet now I started this off on my own? It there more to it then viruses, infections and germs? I think so. Being run down, exhausted and not taking care of yourself generally makes you more susceptible to becoming sick.

Perhaps it is simply all I have been going through exhausting me. However I know that for me thrown into that mix, is keeping myself in the presence of another.

Whatever will tomorrow bring? Life, Love, Laughter... after all I can create it. Want to know a secret? So can you!

Power, Priviledge and Perception

Today I went to see Jane Elliott speak at Pier 21 in Halifax. Her lecture was entitled Power, Privilege and Preception - The Anatomy of Prejudice.

Earlier this year I had the opportunity for the first time to see a video of an experiment Mrs. Elliott did with her Grade 3 school children in response to the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This video made in the 1968 (40 yrs ago) holds such a lesson that still today it is relevant to recognize where in our soceity and personal lives we may be attempting to hold power over our fellow human beings. You can see a clip of the follow up Frontline report on it here.

Today some of the things that resonated with me were when Mrs. Elliott spoke how we should see each other for all the differences we have and how we should embrace that, not striving for us to all be the same.

"When I look at you I don't see a colour"... bullshit... that is one of the first things we notice... and there is nothing wrong with that. Kind of like being tall or short, a man or a woman, except we still choose not to talk about noticing the colour of ones skin... like it is a bad thing.

I see you! I see you as the black woman you are... I see the beautiful hues of all of us... and I notice that you are not me... and I am not you... that is why life is so amazing.

Each one of us... because of our colour, religion, creed, ethnicity, sexuality, social status, life expereinces is a very unique individual who can bring such richness, awareness and awakening to those who care to see us.

I want to see and be seen. I want to hear and be heard. I want to feel and be felt. I want to live in appreciation of all that is different about us... knowing that we all ultimately are connected.

As we go about our day to day life... accept what is there already in our filters and perceptions of the world and thing about how we can change that if we choose. By standing up and being counted... working on Eliminating Discrimination of all sorts.

In the Moment

Life can go by in the blink of an eye, if you allow it to.

The pace of the rat race, of getting to the next step, can make you forget those moments in time. And all of the sudden 5 years have gone by.

Your babies are no longer your babies.

Your hopes and dreams did not get realized.

Your happiness seems to have been misplaced.

Live in the moment.

Forget for a while about the “should have”, “could have”, “would haves”.
Forget for a while about the “got to” and the “have to” and remember it’s all a choice.

Living in the Moment…

The feel of a warm breeze on a sunny day.

Your child’s breath on the side of your cheek.

The sensation of your heart opening and quickening around someone you love.

The beauty that nature shows us.

The comfort of knowing you are among loving friends.

Slowing down and allowing yourself to notice. Enjoy and be thankful in these gifts; moment to moment. Time will slow down along with you.

Enjoy living in the moment.