Is it too late?

I read Anita's blog entry today and I began to think about how much I missed of Jessica's childhood and how much I made her miss out on the wonderment of it all.

When Jessica was 2 yrs old I was a single mother, I was 21 years old. I can remember resenting being a single mother so much that it ate away at me.

I was so preoccupied with how hard it was to be home all day long with a child, to not have money, and to not have the luxury of being able to go out with my friends without my child... I was so busy worrying about being the sole caretaker that I forgot to enjoy my child.

Jessica learned from a very early age to grow up quickly. She always had to take on more than your average child. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me and how I was doing things that I spent alot of my time at home stressed out, depressed and trying to get things in order. Try doing this with a 2 yr old... not an easy task so I had her do chores with me.

Being 2 and helping with the dishes or sweeping the floors can be a fun thing, but when you are 2 with an adult who is stressed or depressed the feelings associated with these tasks are not ones of fun.

I was also preoccupied with playing "the game". I wanted to hurt Mike and the only way I could was with Jessica. I tried to make him feel guilty for not spending time with her. At times I would say she couldn't stay over when he wanted her too. There were even times I would have Jessica talk to him on the phone and say she wanted to see him. I was angry at him for leaving and was blind to what I was doing to our daughter in the process.

I also was lonely. For those who know me and know my past you can understand where this is coming from. I always felt a hole in myself. I felt unworthy. I felt unlovable. I felt isolated. I felt incomplete. So when another "man" came along and paid me compliments I was preoccupied with him, not my daughter.

During an almost 5 year period Jessica learned to rely on herself. She was used to a mother who was there but not fully there. She was used to pitching in to keep house. She was used to comforting and consoling her mother.

When Jessica was 7 yrs old, Mike and I got back together. Both more "mature" however I for one was still lost (i.e. felt like I was missing something, not whole).

Another 3 years go by. We have another baby girl, I am trying to be a caretaker, a mother, a disciplinarian, a bread winner, a volunteer, etc.

Life is stressful, life is serious, we don't ever have money or time for fun.

And then I take a breath, I started taking course, I discovered who I am and who I can become, I learned to look at my whole life and my children for the brilliant perfect beings they were and can be again (after they can get rid of the crap I detailed above).

I looked at my daughter and saw she is no longer a little girl, she is a beautiful young woman who is just beginning to explore some Independence, who makes fantastic decisions, who is helpful and caring, to her friends, children, animals, and sometimes even her parents!

Time has gotten away from me. From us, I see her at 11 yrs old, so grown up, and I want to tell her to stop.

WAIT! I'm sorry I encouraged you to grow up so fast, don't forget you are still a child, don't forget to have fun.

Let's run, let's skip, let's laugh, let's play.

But she is almost a teenager and that just isn't cool do do with your mom anymore. I've missed the boat.

Did I cause her to totally forget how to be a child by my parenting style? Is it too late?

I believe it is never too late. As I have changed the way I move through the world this past year, I began to change how I engage with my kids, and I am seeing a difference.

My daughter has a voice, she is no longer afraid to speak up when she feels she has to. She is laughing more, especially this past month with Mike on board. She is exploring more, she is choosing more, she is fantastic.

Maybe one day she will not worry so much about what other people think and maybe one day she will shock me and hold my hand in public... (GASP!!)

It is never too late to be there for your child... to listen to his or her concerns... to allow them to have a temper tantrum, to witness their anger or tears and not dismiss that. To allow them to be exactly who they are in the moment it happens.

Life is good, there is always more.

Invitations are Everywhere

Seeing as the information from last nights incident is still processing through me and seeing as I know that everything that happens in my life is an invitation for me to learn something about myself, I keep going back and reading about the emotions I was going through during last nights incident.

I know I have evolved as a parent this past year, being more conscious of how I engage with my daughters, I am also aware that I will continue to evolve as a parent until I no longer have to "parent" my adult children.

I am very aware of a huge invitation for me as I once again reread my entry "The Lioness Emerges". The very last statement I made: "My tears are flowing now as I think the thing that is resonating the most is how we doubt our children's truth... yet it is often the most clear out of all the "truths" out there."

And now I reflect on just how many times I doubt my daughters truth, that I question her word, or say "I don't think that's the whole story".

And I am going to be more conscious of just how I engage in conversations with her now. So she will know that I will take her for her word and support her in her actions.

The Lioness Emerges

What a challenge and invitation this evening was for both myself and my 11 yr old daughter. The primal instinct of wanting to protect my young arose, the lioness emerged, the fire was claimed.

Tonight I was at my mother house for supper. My eldest daughter was playing outside with her friends playing around as 11 and 12 yr old do. My daughter's friend came running to my mothers house out of breath from running over, told me the "crazy" guy across the street was in Jessica's face yelling at her and making her cry. I asked where she was, he said on her way over here (to my mom's) with her 2 girlfriends who were also crying.

The 3 girls arrived and by the state of them I asked them all to come in so I could find out what was going on. The 4 of them told their story of being seen with the "wrong" group of kids and because Jessica was known by this "man" she received his wrath.

Now I can understand being upset and frustrated with vandalism, our own vehicle got broken into 3 weeks ago. Even if our daughter did it (which eyewitnesses say she did not) he has no right to get up in an 11 year old girls face, while she was by herself, and intimidate and threaten her. She had even told the "man" who they felt was responsible. She tried to walk away and saw her girlfriend and called them over to her where this "man" proceeded to yell at all 3 girls.

So I have 3 girls crying in my mothers living room and a boy who is feeling very protective and angry. These kids have not gotten into any trouble before, I for one can vouch for my daughter who often is teased by her peers because of our rules on curfew, phone calls, and not being allowed to go outside after dark, she has also recently won recognition from her school as student of the month for being a "role model" for her peers.

This girl is one who gets worried about her friends / extended family members doing something they shouldn't be an telling me about it (i.e. my mother smoking cigarettes last summer).

So I called Mike and told him about this. I told him the possibility of the police coming (which we were all happy to speak to about the incident, including Jessica). Mike was furious that this "man" got in his daughters face, and I asked that he not say anything until I got home to discuss it.

No such luck. Mike pulled into our driveway and in the mirror saw the 2 "men" coming over to confront him. So Mike took his time and took a few long deep breaths to stabilize himself. Opened the door and the "men" started right away. Mike said "I will talk first" the kept jabbering. He again repeated "I will talk first and if not I am going in my house". They stopped and Mike said "I don't care what happened right now, unless you caught my daughter in the act itself you have NO RIGHT what so ever to confront an 11 year old girl with out her parent there. You can certainly call the police, or wait until me or my wife got home but you are to NEVER approach my daughter again." God I wish I was there.

After we were done eating (at mom's) we came home and engaged in a conversation with Jessica as a family. Eventually the police pulled up at the neighbours house. Mike was outside having a cigarette and the police politely (seeing someone standing around) asked how it was going. Mike said fine until I found out this man confronted my 11 yr old child when she was by herself.

The police engaged with the neighbors then one came over to speak with us. Mike expressed his concerns about the confrontation with Jess, I expressed my concerns over having 3 girls crying in my mothers house. Then we both shut up and allowed Jessica to speak.

Beautiful brave Jessica. Speaking so eloquently from her truth. Bravely standing there engaging in such honest dialogue with this "officer" who kept trying to make her change her story. I sat there, biting my tongue as he kept saying, "that's great Jessica, now I really want you to tell me the truth" over and over again. Saying I'm going to be asking other people you know, are you sure you don't want to add anything. And I felt like screaming at him. How are you guys (the "good" guys) building any sort of rapport when you won't take an 11 year old's statement (5 times over) as fact for her truth. No wonder we become cynical so easily.

My tears are flowing now as I think the thing that is resonating the most is how we doubt our children's truth... yet it is often the most clear out of all the "truths" out there.

From the Mouth of Babes

My 11 year old daughter is almost completed a book report for her grade 6 class. The book she is reporting is called I Hadn't Meant to Tell You This by Jacqueline Woodson.

This book is about racism, abuse and loss. I think these are really great novel for my daughter to be learning about... but something bothers me about her having to report on it. See her book report criteria states she must present a written and oral report of her book. The subjects this book tackles are not easy to talk about in front of peers by an 11 yr old.

My Daughters report deals mostly with the racism aspect of it and how the two girls quickly over come the perceived barrier of the colour of their skin. However the "N" word is used in this book and shows up at the beginning of my daughters report. I understand it is to give context to the meaningful transition to this incredible friendship that is formed between the two main characters, but my hackles are up.

If my daughter is to present this orally to her class, will this cause waves?

Will the students in her class start using that word more than they may already because she was allowed to in her presentation?

Will the students who come from a diverse background be offended or hurt by the use of the word?

Will the students be shocked by the use of the word in class and mention it to their parents out of context?

Most of all will my daughter receive a backlash because of all of these above possibilities?

My primal instinct has kicked in here tonight... wanting to protect my cubs (so to speak). I've written the teacher to express my concerns. My daughter has written a brilliant report and put a lot of hard work into it, but there is still that question... is there maybe some other way to do this? I hope the teacher and my daughter can brainstorm a solution, I am behind her in ultimately what ever she decides.

Maybe there is just some other way to put the first half of her report, one that will still put across the ugliness that is racism... who knows.

This is me tonight... wanting to protect and defend... and making up all kinds of reactions in my head... my concerns may all be for nothing, yet my body is telling me I can't let my concerns go unheard.