The Lioness Emerges

What a challenge and invitation this evening was for both myself and my 11 yr old daughter. The primal instinct of wanting to protect my young arose, the lioness emerged, the fire was claimed.

Tonight I was at my mother house for supper. My eldest daughter was playing outside with her friends playing around as 11 and 12 yr old do. My daughter's friend came running to my mothers house out of breath from running over, told me the "crazy" guy across the street was in Jessica's face yelling at her and making her cry. I asked where she was, he said on her way over here (to my mom's) with her 2 girlfriends who were also crying.

The 3 girls arrived and by the state of them I asked them all to come in so I could find out what was going on. The 4 of them told their story of being seen with the "wrong" group of kids and because Jessica was known by this "man" she received his wrath.

Now I can understand being upset and frustrated with vandalism, our own vehicle got broken into 3 weeks ago. Even if our daughter did it (which eyewitnesses say she did not) he has no right to get up in an 11 year old girls face, while she was by herself, and intimidate and threaten her. She had even told the "man" who they felt was responsible. She tried to walk away and saw her girlfriend and called them over to her where this "man" proceeded to yell at all 3 girls.

So I have 3 girls crying in my mothers living room and a boy who is feeling very protective and angry. These kids have not gotten into any trouble before, I for one can vouch for my daughter who often is teased by her peers because of our rules on curfew, phone calls, and not being allowed to go outside after dark, she has also recently won recognition from her school as student of the month for being a "role model" for her peers.

This girl is one who gets worried about her friends / extended family members doing something they shouldn't be an telling me about it (i.e. my mother smoking cigarettes last summer).

So I called Mike and told him about this. I told him the possibility of the police coming (which we were all happy to speak to about the incident, including Jessica). Mike was furious that this "man" got in his daughters face, and I asked that he not say anything until I got home to discuss it.

No such luck. Mike pulled into our driveway and in the mirror saw the 2 "men" coming over to confront him. So Mike took his time and took a few long deep breaths to stabilize himself. Opened the door and the "men" started right away. Mike said "I will talk first" the kept jabbering. He again repeated "I will talk first and if not I am going in my house". They stopped and Mike said "I don't care what happened right now, unless you caught my daughter in the act itself you have NO RIGHT what so ever to confront an 11 year old girl with out her parent there. You can certainly call the police, or wait until me or my wife got home but you are to NEVER approach my daughter again." God I wish I was there.

After we were done eating (at mom's) we came home and engaged in a conversation with Jessica as a family. Eventually the police pulled up at the neighbours house. Mike was outside having a cigarette and the police politely (seeing someone standing around) asked how it was going. Mike said fine until I found out this man confronted my 11 yr old child when she was by herself.

The police engaged with the neighbors then one came over to speak with us. Mike expressed his concerns about the confrontation with Jess, I expressed my concerns over having 3 girls crying in my mothers house. Then we both shut up and allowed Jessica to speak.

Beautiful brave Jessica. Speaking so eloquently from her truth. Bravely standing there engaging in such honest dialogue with this "officer" who kept trying to make her change her story. I sat there, biting my tongue as he kept saying, "that's great Jessica, now I really want you to tell me the truth" over and over again. Saying I'm going to be asking other people you know, are you sure you don't want to add anything. And I felt like screaming at him. How are you guys (the "good" guys) building any sort of rapport when you won't take an 11 year old's statement (5 times over) as fact for her truth. No wonder we become cynical so easily.

My tears are flowing now as I think the thing that is resonating the most is how we doubt our children's truth... yet it is often the most clear out of all the "truths" out there.

Collective Breath

As an individual I have come to discover the importance of breath.

A calming breath. A life sustaining breath. An expanding breath. An inviting breath.

In a breath one can claim back their selves, in a breath information can easily flow, in a breath one can claim back the power they gave away, in a breath your god force can find it's way home.

In a group collective breath takes on a life of it's own.

During my coffee event yesterday the energy in the room was think. The women who showed up were fully present. The conversations in the room were deep and meaningful. Each conversation was somehow relevant. It is a holographic universe, it was relevant to those who felt compelled to show up.

We were all connected in the room. There was one point, one beautiful point that the room moved as each woman breathed as one.

Powerful does not seem to be an expressive enough word to describe the power of that breath... it was extreme, it was amazing... the beauty of collective breath.

Life is indeed good and there is always more...

Invitations All Around Us

Staying Connected. Engaging. Creating. Inviting. Manifesting. Breath. Space. Movement. Flow.

All words that came up for me at some point during today's Coffee, Conversations & Catalysts.

Today's coffee was for me the most intense one yet... and why was it? It was interesting for me to notice as the day approached I realized Celine and Cathy had not yet responded to my invitation.

When I inquired about this, Celine mentioned she may have a prior commitment. I e-mailed Cathy and she said she had a broken arm and was clear that she needed to pay attention to her self.

Oh my, that sent some butterflies to my stomach. My intial feeling was one of fear, then that waved moved completely up. And I became very excited. See although I created and hosted Coffee, Conversations & Catalysts, I very much sat back and allowed Cathy & Celine to take the lead and run the show.

And now the invitation for me to facilitate today's event was exciting and comfortable at the same time. My body knew I was ready to be me and facilitate a fantastic event... (not that I'm bias or anything).

As today came closer I got all of my "details" taken care of. I even printed off my workshop poster to have available although I wasn't sure why.

I arrived today and had the chance to set up before it started. I had just finished the last details when the first people arrived.

Beautiful Leona with her guitar in tow. She was going to decloak to us by way of her spoken word, songs, poetry... invitations.

The time flew by as it often does, yet I feel it was complete, nothing left undone.

Carole brought a quote with her which she read to us. It sent waves of emotion through me.

The conversations that were happening in the room around me all held resonance for me... after all it is a holographic universe right?

And it was done.

On our way out to our cars there is a little shop, a wellness centre. I put down my stuff and went in. It was a small store with essential oils, cards, pendants, reading rooms, etc. As I stood outside the store after I noticed a table that had all kinds of posters, brochures, business cards, etc. I went inside and asked the owner if I could leave my workshop information for her to put out. She agreed. Holographic Universe after all. I brought these posters for a reason. This was it.

So today, the invitations I received were for me to acknowledge and cast away my fears (doubt, incompetence) and trust in myself. Be loyal to myself first and foremost, to wake up each day and acknowledge the god force I know I am. Creating, engaging & staying with it (TRUST).

I'm manifesting big things this year, I am intelligent enough to know what I can and what I can't handle.

Life is good and there is so, SO much more...

3rd Coffee, Conversations and Catalysts

This is a reminder for this Sunday's Coffee, Conversations and Catalysts

When: Sunday, January 21st, 2007 at 2 p.m.
Where: Alderney Gate Library in Dartmouth
2nd Floor Helen Creighton Room
Cost: $3.50 fee to cover costs (any profit will be donated)

I believe there is a possibility of a poetry reading at this Sunday's event, along with great conversations.

From the Mouth of Babes

My 11 year old daughter is almost completed a book report for her grade 6 class. The book she is reporting is called I Hadn't Meant to Tell You This by Jacqueline Woodson.

This book is about racism, abuse and loss. I think these are really great novel for my daughter to be learning about... but something bothers me about her having to report on it. See her book report criteria states she must present a written and oral report of her book. The subjects this book tackles are not easy to talk about in front of peers by an 11 yr old.

My Daughters report deals mostly with the racism aspect of it and how the two girls quickly over come the perceived barrier of the colour of their skin. However the "N" word is used in this book and shows up at the beginning of my daughters report. I understand it is to give context to the meaningful transition to this incredible friendship that is formed between the two main characters, but my hackles are up.

If my daughter is to present this orally to her class, will this cause waves?

Will the students in her class start using that word more than they may already because she was allowed to in her presentation?

Will the students who come from a diverse background be offended or hurt by the use of the word?

Will the students be shocked by the use of the word in class and mention it to their parents out of context?

Most of all will my daughter receive a backlash because of all of these above possibilities?

My primal instinct has kicked in here tonight... wanting to protect my cubs (so to speak). I've written the teacher to express my concerns. My daughter has written a brilliant report and put a lot of hard work into it, but there is still that question... is there maybe some other way to do this? I hope the teacher and my daughter can brainstorm a solution, I am behind her in ultimately what ever she decides.

Maybe there is just some other way to put the first half of her report, one that will still put across the ugliness that is racism... who knows.

This is me tonight... wanting to protect and defend... and making up all kinds of reactions in my head... my concerns may all be for nothing, yet my body is telling me I can't let my concerns go unheard.

Signals/Avatars, Mortality/Immortality

I’m having lots of thoughts this morning about signal # 1 and avatars. These thoughts are coming out in my e-mails to others, and were initially brought up by Louise’s blog entry Addiction and Surrender.

An e-mail conversation with a friend brought up the notions of mortality and immortality into my awareness.

I believe that the god force that we are, our signal # 1, our Spirit, our Energy, our Soul, whatever you might call it, is immortal.

You can see this in different areas of our culture that speak of the afterlife, reincarnation, angels, spirits, and ghosts. It is a common belief in most cultures that when a person dies, their spirit goes else where. Something leaves the body, to do what varies from culture to culture, religion to religion, country to country.

What is interesting to me is that so many of us are taught that this thing (spirit, energy, soul, signal) is separate from us… that is something bestowed upon us by some higher power. That “it” is not us.

This general consensus allows for the victim mentality to come in. This consensus allows for blame to come in. This consensus allows for feelings of helplessness, feelings of loss of control and being at the mercy of “something else”.

What we need to recognize is that our signal, energy, spirit or soul IS us. I am not my body, I am not a victim to circumstances, I am not a victim of my DNA.

I am not a victim of anything, being a victim implies it is someone else who is in control; that is not who I choose to be in my world anymore.

I for years I allowed my culturally conditioned self to believe that I was existing, waiting for the divine plan to be revealed to me so I could have some feeling of worth and meaning to my life. I allowed myself to believe that whatever happens to me, happened for a reason, who am I to question it.

This no longer serves me. I have taken full responsibility and ownership for my life. I know that this body (is like an avatar) is mortal, but who I AM (signal, spirit, energy, soul) is immortal.

I am this force, which does not rely on others to tell me how to live my life. I am this force, which will shape my future. I have the power of choice and I choose in every instant.

I choose therefore I am in control of my SELF. By being aware of my authentic self and living my life as I feel I need to, I can create, I can be present, I can engage in life; a life I find meaningful to me.

This is what this morning brought to me… and there is always more.

Whispers are still Prevalent

I sat down tonight at my computer to start to write an article about single mothers who are on welfare base on my experience of being one.

I have written 1000 words already and I haven't even got to the point of my being a single mother. Obviously my Whispers from Within weren't done whispering. I should have known this.

I have been neglecting the book I am writing about "The Myth of the Intact Family" (my story) and foolishly thought I could dive into writing an article about a topic that hold so much meaning to me.

The 1000 words I have written tonight have everything to do with my book and I need to finish writing these words before I can move into my article.

The whispers are still prevalent and I am not surprised.

The words that are writing themselves on the screen are exactly what need to be written.

These words will allow for me to gain more clarity on my experience. I know by moving through this will allow for my article to be a more powerful invitation for others consider the potential that is out there.

And there is always more...

Dead Horses

I began my day today very agitated, I felt rushed, I felt angry, I felt frustrated, and I was blaming someone else for all of these feelings. On the ferry I began to journal, to write about this and I come to realize I am dragging around a dead horse.

When it comes to being a daughter I still hold certain perceptions of what the “mother/daughter” relationship should be. I hold my mother responsible for some aspects of my life that I would never do to someone else. So when I take away the title of “mom” for just a moment, the anger, frustration and agitation I carried in my body fell away.

I would never dream of relying on say “Jane Doe” to make sure my life runs smoothly. To ensure I get to work on time. So how dare I lay this hang up on my “mom”?

So this whole “mother/daughter” dynamic is a two way street. Who Knew? (Leona maybe)

Sometimes the Mother end of the continuum needs to let go and sometimes the Daughter end of the continuum needs to let go… or perhaps we can just co-exist as human Beings.

Yes, I like number 3 the best. Why not be rid of this dead horse “Parent” once and for all. After all I am 31 years old; I no longer need to be “Mothered”. Just as I am sure my xx year old Mother would be happy to be rid of some of the weight of the dead horse “Child” (who wants a 31 yr old child anyway).

Creativity in Flow

I've been having a fantastic time lately creating with crayons and pastels. I've had so much fun doing this with my kids and encouraging "out of the box" types of art.

For example, my daughter had a friend over to sleep on Saturday night. The two of them were sitting at the table after 10 p.m. doing some pencil games (I assume they are like M.A.S.H. and games like that).

My two year old was complaining of a tummy ache and I had just sat with her for a while until it dissipated. When I came out of the bedroom I wanted to make something. So I took out the pastels and let my hand do whatever felt right.

Well Jessica & her friend decided to draw too. So I encouraged them to draw each other while they were blindfolded. You should see the picture Jessica did; it was truly Picasso-esk. They stayed up for another hour creating mixing colours with their fingers, smudging, and laughing.

We have recently started a wall in our dining area devoted to displaying our creations.

Whether I'm creating with the kids or feel moved to do something on my own when they are all tucked in bed, I am amazed with how it all looks in the morning.

I see metaphors for how my day went or for things that I have been thinking about.

I see how much perceptions and filters come into play when none of us really see the same thing as the other.

I see how we all do this with everything in life. I might perceive an incident or event one way and guaranteed the 5 other people all perceive it differently from the rest.

This is where respecting and listening to others and recognizing their authentic self/voice is so important. If we don't share the same perspective or view on an issue, it's not wrong, it's just different. If we were all to remember this as we go on through our day to day business, there would certainly be less grief/stress in our lives.

Funny how my original intention to write about creativity stemmed into the work environment... and why shouldn't it? It's all the same... Life.

And there is always more.

Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting - Exploring our Potential

This new 3 day workshop is being offered to parents or parents-to-be to consider a different way of living and nurturing their children’s brilliance and individual expression.

Through these three ½ day sessions Lori will be inviting participants to discover a new perspective on parenting. Inviting them to find their authentic self and to consider how they can co-create meaningful family relationships with their children. It is an invitation for participants to recognize their programmed behaviours (unconscious parenting) and to become more actively aware in the parenting behaviours (conscious parenting).

Time & Date: 8:30 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. Saturday, April 14th, April 21st & April 28th

Location: South Woodside Community Centre, Osbourne Street Entrance

Price: $30.00 for complete workshop, workshop manual, 1 CD from the Living WELness Series

Please Register by April 5th, 2007, a non-refundable $10 deposit is requested upon registration.

Your workshop guide is Lori Walton, certified WEL-Systems® Master Facilitator and Quantum TLC™ Facilitator.

To find out more please contact Lori Walton at (902) 461-9169 or e-mail mailto:loriwalton@eastlink.ca

Trust

On Friday a wonderful opportunity presented itself as an invitation to further my evolution and contribute to my intentions of working with women to help them awaken to the possibilities of their potential, future and hope.

I was elated on Friday, I shared with a few close friends/coworkers who were so very happy and supportive of this opportunity for me; who saw the big picture and the implications of just what I have to offer the world (who else).

And then I go to my mothers who I tell my wonderful news to... who just says "oh? that's nice".

I express to her my joy, my excitement, and how much of a huge deal this is to me and she comes back with a "well you have so much on the go right now".

Hmm, took me down a few notches. I resolved not to let her words take away from my success... yet they found a home with in my body.

Is shared with my spouse the opportunity that presented itself to me, he expressed his pride and shared in my joy then asked "is it going to cost us?"

I said no, yet then the comment combined with my mothers comment and cast doubt.

So yesterday I am at a party for my 2 yr old nephew and I'm talking with a friend of my sisters who is asking what I have been up to. I began telling her some of the things I have been doing over the past year and she said my sister told her about alot of them. I told her about my upcoming program "Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting" and told her about this new opportunity I will be taking on. She was very happy for me.

This is when I noticed the doubt that I allowed into my body.

So I began to struggle within myself.

I know what I know. I know that the person who offered the opportunity is someone who is truly supportive of me. I know that I have so much to offer and I have found my passion and joy again, and I can speak from that to people who need to hear it. I know I am resourceful. I know I am brilliant. I know I am ultimately the one who will make or break any endeavor I take on. All things I know we all are.

I know that doubt has served me in the past. I grew up "knowing" that I'm nothing special. I grew up "knowing" that when an opportunity comes there is always a price to pay. I grew up "knowing" that it's too good to be true. I grew up "knowing" that I should never be too big for my britches. I grew up "knowing" that I shouldn't start anything I wouldn't be able to finish (and knowing that I never started anything for fear of them being right).

And I allowed the culturally conditioned me (the person I was for 30 yrs) to begin to run it's program of doubt. I worked very hard this past year to not let that rule who I am. And now that I am awake and aware, I didn't allow that filter to continue to take a hold of me and I asked for clarification on this opportunity.

And all it was a filter, perception. My opportunity is a fantastic one that holds so much for so many others. I am proud of what I have done and proud and excited of what I will be doing.

I am aware now that I need to work on the whole trust issue. Trust in myself. Trust in believing my self. Trust that I will not be too big for my britches. Trust that I AM somebody special (we all are). Trust that I finish everything I start that holds meaning for me.

And consider that the price that there is always to pay, isn't always monetary. The price I am going to pay for this is my label of "Doubt".

Trust... not trust in others... as trust in others isn't important as trust in my self is all I will need.

And I know tomorrow will bring an opportunity for me to grow again and become more that I am today. Life is good... and there is always more.

Running into an old Friend...

Today at work was pretty uneventful work wise. This afternoon on my way to a meeting I saw an old friend who has been off on extended sick leave.

When I first started at my department back in 1991 I met this warm, vibrant, caring, spectacular individual who would do anything she could to help others. She was active with collecting assistance for the local women's shelters, she was active in collecting food for the hungry, I remember when we were out on strike, I was a single mother at the time, she gifted me with her strike pay so I wouldn't be put out as much.

This woman is kind, loving, compassionate and humble. She inspired me to want to do more and be more although I still didn't fully grasp to what extent I could.

If it was someones birthday this wonderful woman would make sure there was a birthday cake (which she bought with her own money) and arrange for all the co-workers to come and sing to the birthday person.

If it was a holiday she would come in early and leave a little gift on your desk, whether it was a chocolate egg or a chocolate heart. If she knew you had young children she would always buy them something special for Christmas.

Soon after I started getting to know her, I come to find out she is sick, and as the days go on she became more and more sick.

4 years ago this woman, was so riddled with sickness that she weighed just under 100 lbs, she couldn't eat, she was sallow, she was weak, and tired. I remember going to the hospital to visit her with my eldest daughter and leaving there wondering if I would see her again.

3 years ago for Christmas she gave my daughter an angel for our tree. Jessica hangs it every year and thinks of her as her angel Olive.

And today, I see her beautiful face again, I hear her joyous laughter through the office, she looks so good, she looks healthy, she is radiant.

Although I was running off to a meeting I got to hug her, tell her I loved her, and express to her my joy in seeing her again.

This woman, beautiful, strong, majestic really... vibrant, living life... once again.

My heart is filled with love, my eyes are filled with tears and my being is filled with happiness in just this brief encounter running into an old friend.

Being Grounded (in the good way)

Today I had my first real experience "being" coach. In my past coaching experiences I thought I was "being coach" and today I realized I was not.

Before my coaching session today I took some time to write in my journal. I noticed that I didn't bring my ITS book with me (with all the models). I always brought that with me to my coaching sessions and not bringing it to my session today made me become curious.

I wrote about that... wondering why I didn't bring it with me, musing that perhaps this time I "know" I am resourceful enough and don't necessarily need it any more. I was excited to see just how my coaching session was going to unfold.

And as I mentioned today was the first day I was "Being Coach" (refer to Gwen McCauley's Article "On Being Coach")

At the beginning of our session we both did the White Feather to become grounded in our bodies and in doing so my experience was so much more.

I know that my being fully present and grounded just added to both our experience during the coaching session, and my client (co-worker, friend) was really happy with the things we touched on, discovered and moved through.

Being grounded certainly makes all the difference. Creating the space for yourself to be aware of what is moving through you, and pay attention to what comes up. It was my experience today that the things that were coming up for me where the things that my coaching client needed to hear.

What a fantastic feeling! And so simple... stay grounded.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring... life is good... and there is always more!

Creating Space

On the ferry ride home today I was writing in my journal about my day at work. I was reflecting on how I spent the day tying up loose ends. I cleared my backlog, got caught up on all of my work, filed and organized my e-mails and orgainized my papers.

Then a thought occured to me... I'm creating space for whatever tomorrow is going to bring. It struck me that I am all caught up... I have a clean slate and I'm good to go.

And what I've come to discover is that when you create space; whether it is within your self or at your job; you are inviting new things to come in.

So I'm excited to see just what tomorrow may bring my way. What will I discover, what will I create, how will I engage... just who will I become tomorrow?

The "Have Nots"

I’m lying in bed thinking of my last blog entry I posted earlier tonight and my right hand is hot, dry and itching. I write with this hand… the itching is like a need to move. When I move my right hand I create words on this paper and the heat dissipates… the itching subsides (and maybe it is because I put hand cream on 15 mins ago).

So this need to create to explore some words from my last blog entry has propelled me from my bed and into the dark living room with my journal.

The words “have nots” are speaking loudly in my consciousness. These words are ones that I am all too familiar with from my past.

As a child I was a “have not” where money was rarely spent on the children’s wants, and when it was spent on me I was always left with the feeling of my father doing me a favour by buying me something, and that I put him out, and ultimately that I was not really worth it.

As a young teenager I felt I was a “have not” by not feeling loved and wanted by others (mostly boys).

As a student struggling to graduate high school, I was a “have not” as I scrapped to stay in school and live on student assistance.

The summer or 1994 I was a “have not” when I found myself homeless for a period of 2 months and had to live in a tent.

At the age of 19 I was a “have not” when I found myself having my first child and living on welfare.

I was a “have not” while leaving my boyfriend in Ontario and becoming a single mother in Nova Scotia.

As a single mother I chose to “have not” anything special for myself in order to provide more for my daughter.

As a single mother I chose to “have not” an ideal relationship with my daughter while I went back to college to get a better education and work full time, barely seeing my daughter awake for almost a year.

I chose to no longer “have not” and to create something different.

So as I write “have not” or use the term “have nots” I only refer to “have not the money to put themselves first” it is in no way a reflection of the Strength, Self Sacrifice and Hope that I experienced as a “Have Not”.

And the itching is totally gone now. Off to sleep I go.

A Success...

Was there ever any doubt?

I attended my School Advisory Council meeting tonight and we discussed my workshop Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting, the council was very excited about my program and very free with their expressions of personal support and excitement.

I am also called back to my original intention for this program and the inspiration for it. The original thoughts that entered my mind, the thoughts I was forgetting about as I began to get caught up in the details.

My inspiration for creating this space was seeing the need for the parents of my community to become involved. Recognizing my community is not a wealthy community and the majority of the community are part of the “have nots” because they cannot afford the extras such as self improvement workshops, classes and programs.

In remembering this original intention I know that I will be providing this, my first workshop for very little cost. I will be volunteering my time to ultimately target the audience that inspired me.

I attended the Community Centre meeting with the Principle after the SAC meeting for a brief moment to propose the support of the Community Centre by way of donating space for my workshop. The community centre agreed to support my workshop and have provided the space at no cost.

Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting – Exploring our Potential will be held beginning Saturday April 14th for 3 consecutive Saturday Mornings at the South Woodside Community Centre in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. For those parents who are curious for something more, who decide to wake up and engage in their OWN life. The lives they forgot about, discovering their authentic selves (remembering them) and waking up to their potential. In doing so they will be able engage differently with their kids and begin to create different family relationships.

As I’m creating this program I am also very aware that I want to work with women in particular not specifically (mother’s), this is a program I may create in the future.

Success… Set an intention; create the space for creativity to flow, trust in yourSELF and you will achieve your goal.

Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting - The Seed is planted

In December at the Women's Writing Retreat I was having a great conversation with two of the women after dinner one night. I had mentioned my participation on my School Advisory Council and how it would be good to do something to assist the children's home relationships.

Celine light up... she had created and done work with her school and community with the parents by way of a workshop.

I was intrigued... what kind of workshop, how did it work. We chatted about what she did and I left enthused with the idea of creating something for the women in my community.

Over the Christmas Holiday Celine helped me outline a program I can offer to my community I've called it "Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting". I am really excited to get this going. I have tentatively booked space and I am going to presenting a proposal tonight at the Community Center Meeting to see if they will donate space in their facility to decrease cost to target the single mothers or those who cannot normally afford such a workshop.

My intention for the workshop is as follows.
- To create the space and provide a different way of living and allowing your children's brilliance to shine through
- To invite participants to recognize their programmed behaviors (unconscious parenting) and to become more actively aware in their parenting behaviors (conscious parenting)

The workshop will be held in April 2007 on 3 consecutive Saturday Mornings.

If you are interested or know someone who is please have them contact me for more information.

Life goes on, there is always more... and I'm so happy to be living my life LARGE!!!

A Day in the Life - A Poem

A Day in the Life
By Lori Walton

Up and Out…
Beginning the day in the cold and the dark
Weary ones struggling to remain awake

Stretch and Yawn…
On the commute to work as the sun paints colors over the
Ocean in the east, reds, pinks, purples and orange

Awake and Engage…
With those at work, friends, coworkers, clients alike
Each one evokes a unique expression of your self

Invite and Allow…
Create the space for creativity to flow
Eventually the clock signals an end to the day

Lift up and Breathe
The mild January air, and release the troubles of the day
Lift up your face to welcome the suns rays

Smile and Enjoy…
A Peaceful solitary journey across the calm waters of the Harbour
Smelling the saltiness from the Ocean upon the warm wind

Open and Receive…
The love and hugs from your children
As you walk through the door after a days work

Provide and Nurture…
Your families needs as you put your work clothes away
Their need for you, conversation and love is ever present

Catch up and Connect…
With your Spouse, family and friends
At the end of a long, long day

Relax and Restore…
Your own self by the light of the moon
On a clear starry night, be still, receive, restore

Hope for Change

The word “HOPE” keeps creeping into my awareness today. I hope for a change of a worldview.

I hope that people soon begin to accept responsibility and take ownership of their lives, in doing so they will find the freedom of choice.

I hope that the people of our society will be able to take this ownership and finally be free of their burdens, their unhappiness, their fears, their feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

I hope that the destructive dances of blame, abuse, addictions, indifference and violence will finally be over and done with.

I hope that people can come to know that they can choose differently, they can create their own futures by simply owning it. Choose Differently. Live at the CAUSE side of the equation. Live large.

2007 will prove to be an amazing year. There is already a growing global awareness of a different way of living. As each of us becomes awake and aware of our own brilliance and learns to trust ourselves, our voices and our choices the shift will be quick and tremendous.

The word “HOPE” holds so much meaning, it is a nomilization and it means something different for each of us.

New Year, New Way of Living

What a fantastic 11 days off. I wrote (not as much as I thought I would), I created an outline for a workshop I'm creating, I spent some time expanding my thoughts and confirming my belives reading and watching material by Dr. Bruce Lipton, I shared some of that with people I love and care about, most importantly I played with my kids.

What joy that brought me these past 11 days. I built puzzles, I coloured, I played dolls, I cuddled, I sang, I danced, I cooked, I laughed, I cried, I talked, I shared, I bonded even deeper with my beautiful daughters.

My spouse and I had some really great conversations about our future together. Our gameplan if you with, yet at the same time knowing that it will shift, change and evolve as we do.

There was one conversation we had at the beginning of my vacation about a situation he had gotten himself into. As I asked him what he learned from that situation he quite literally told me he would have me double check anything he signs... What?

The old me would say Yes, dear you should make sure you let me know what you are getting into so I can keep you on track.

The new me said "I don't think so. I have no desire to continue that kind of relationship with you, you are responsible for yourself, as I am for myself. I am not your mother, I will not be continuing to run your life for you. I want our relationship to be a partnership where we can just be for eachother, not have to take responsiblity for eachother."

And in that instant, I know our relationship will never be the same again, and I'm excited about it.

Once we know something and have to courage to voice it, it is never the same again. Your body will not allow you to forget it. Funny that changing the direction or path you are on as a couple is so easily changed. Speaking with your absolute truth and conviction resonates... the other party senses your finality of it... and it is different.

The remainder of my vacation Mike & I had fantastic conversations about anything and everything that came up, jobs, programs, our children, and our future.

Life is good. And there is always more...

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a child was moving, nor the cat, nor the man. The presents were wrapped and all set under the tree, I have showered, I am comfy, I am writing, I am me.

What is different about this Christmas Eve? First and formost I am, instead of sitting here wondering if I have bought enough gifts I am sitting here anticipating the joy on the childrens faces in the morning.

Every year on Christmas Eve a man dressed up as Santa Claus drives around each street with a police escort. Santa rides in the back of a white pick up truck that is completely decked out with Christmas lights and he always has at least one elf helping him. Santa waves to the children who come out of their homes on wait on the side of the road for him to pass, he clangs his bell and he gives a hearty Ho, Ho, Ho. His elf makes sure to throw candy canes on the lawn so they don't break and away they go to continue to spread the cheer in the neighbourhood, to get the children just a little bit more excited for their special visitor during the night.

I remember a few years back there was one Christmas when Jessica and I were living at my mothers house. The Christmas before she got a Rudolf Reindeer toy that played music and had a nose that lit up to the tune. We had lost that reindeer in our latest move and being Christmas Jessica was upset about that.

I looked through all of our packed belongings and found him, however I held on to him and didn't tell Jessica I found him.... while we waited on the side of the road for Santa's drive by arrival that Christmas Eve at my mothers house, when Jessica was so excited and on the look out for Santa to drive by, very much distracted by the sirens and the anticipation of Santa's Pick Up coming around the corner, I slipped in the house and grabbed that reindeer and set him on the porch steps and returned to Jessica's side, waving at Santa as he drove by.

When we turned to go back into the house and Jessica started walking up the stairs she couldn't beleive her eyes. Right there at the top of the steps was Rudolf waiting for her. Well she thought it was a Christmas miracle, that Santa knew she lost her reindeer and he put him on the stairs for her to sleep with on Christmas Eve.

Tonight as we heard the sirens of the police escort in the distance, I got Sara dressed in her shoes and winter coat, we went outside and brought a few lawn chairs to the end of the driveway. Jessica came out to join us and we waited for Santa's arrival. Jessica kept talking to Sara about Santa coming and going to give them a treat, Sara was so excited to see him.

The sirens got louder and we began to see the lights of the police escort reflecting on the mini homes at the corner, and around came the police car... well Sara didn't like that too much, too noisy I suppose, up on my lap she goes.

And then what before my very eyes do I see, but a jolly old man in the back of a F150. And Sara looked in awe and Jessica was all smiles, a hearty Ho, Ho, Ho and away they go. Sara scrambled off my lap to get her candy cane off the lawn. Then she got brave and thanked Santa that was already turning off our street.

Jessica told me she remembered the time with the Reindeer and she still doesn't know for sure how it happened. She told me tonight that even though I said it was me who did it she doesn't beleive me. She swears in her memory that my mother and I were right there beside her the whole time and we couldn't have done it. And that makes me smile. Although this is Jessica's second Christmas not beleiving in Santa Claus... she still belives in magic. And that is pretty awesome.

So just what is different within me this year? I know that this year Christmas holds pure joy. The joy of my youngest child when she sees the tree and the gifts under it. The joy of my eldest child, who is still so excited for the morning, who belives in magic. The joy I have with Mike, to know we both did our best to provide a Christmas for the kids this year and knowing our love for each other is gift enough in our own lives. The joy I have deep within myself, the joy of knowing, the joy of living, the joy of unbounded freedom, the joy of simply being me.

So for each of you who are celebrating this holiday, my wish for you is Joy. And for those who are not celebrating this holiday, my wish for all of us is to find a place within ourselves, that sacred space, where we can remember the pure joy of walking in a warm summers thunderstorm dancing in the rain, or walking down a dark cold road, looking up and catching snowflakes on your tounge, or of watching the sun rise or set so beautifully on the horizen.

Joy within pure and unabashed.

Peace

Evolution by Intention

During lunch hour today I am browsing the local online newspaper and I come across this article about Komodo Dragons…

In this article they talk about how this female Komodo dragon, raised in captivity, has become pregnant. Fascinating… not so much however when you take into consideration that this female dragon has never come in contact with a male Komodo, it kicks it up a notch.

So this pregnant Komodo Dragon is the second known case of parthenogenesis in this species. The first female Komodo Dragon became pregnant (with out use of a male) earlier in the year in a different zoo.

So as I’m reading this there are thoughts of the 100th Monkey going through my head… how one day a monkey began to wash his food in the water and the next monkeys all around the world began doing so. Thoughts of the Evolution by Intention™ flood into my consciousness.

I can see now how we absolutely have the power to manifest our destinies as we see fit. I can see now how a shift in consciousness can change the world. The immense CLICK that has happened within me today is just getting my curiosity and energy levels back up, the excitement is again building.

And there is always more…

Still Whispering...

My thoughts have been caught up with preparing for the holiday season... yet somewhere deep within are the whispers to continue to write my book. "The Myth of the Intact Family"* still is demanding my attention.

Ever since leaving the Whispers from Within writing workshop I have been longing to be back at Oceanstone (or at least not having to worry about my "real life"). If only I could stay at home and write, whenever the urge came upon me.

Another reason why I can't wait for Christmas... I am going to be off for 11½ glorious days... my intention for this time is to write every time Sara is down for her naps. Make a nice hot tea and have me time... to remember... to explore... to discover... to grow, and to continue writing my book about my "family".

I will enjoy my time off. And I hope to accomplish much with my writing... and still enjoy my time with my girls and family.

My whispers are there, waiting for me to engage with them again, what wonderful things will come of it? Who knows! This is what I love most about this journey of my life, there is always more.

* "The Myth of the Intact Family" is my tentative title for my book.

Christmas time is here

Okay I must admit, I've got the Christmas bug. Although flat broke I am excited and happy inside. My 2½ yr old has picked up most of the words of "Jingle Bells" and breaks out into song unexpectedly. I love it!

My 11 yr old has bought gifts for many of her friends and family this year, on her own... this is the first year I don't have the slightest clue what she got for anyone. It will be fun to see. She is one happy girl too!

Friends are dropping in, we are getting together more, having lunch, brunch, or just coffee.

The work choir has been singing almost daily in the atrium so you can hear the sounds of Christmas ripple through the building.

Co-workers are bringing in baked goods and leaving them out for everyone to enjoy, taking time to talk and have a laugh together.

Life is grand. Tomorrow is our work Pot-Luck / Children's Party, 7 floors and over 400 employees = one heck of a lot of left overs. I've called a few of the local homeless shelters and soup kitchens to see if they will accept our left overs... and they were overjoyed a the possibility. I hope that many of the floors in the building follow suit and donate their left overs to those who will truly appreciate them.

Judgment...

Have you ever been told how to raise your kids? I have by my mother recently, did it ever get my fire moving. I let her know that I realize her intentions are good and I will let her know or ask her for her opinion/input if I want it.

I know within my self I am done dancing that dance with her. I have my own family, and I am making decisions on how I am going to raise them...

This brought up a very interesting topic for me to explore. Judgement.

I for one, judged single mothers / people on welfare and did not even want to think of them, this is because they were an aspect of my consciousness.

I was a single mother for a number of years... and I was on welfare for a very long time. I held shame for relying on others for so long and for asking for help from family.

I had to get rid of the shame, and when I did... I can look at the people I once judged and see their brilliance and potential.

In the new year I am going to create a space through a workshop where I will invite those who are experiencing difficulty in their lives to come to realize and explore their potential. I am very excited about this! :o)

So now I wonder... if find yourself judging someone... is a reflection of yourself?

Hmmm, interesting thoughts to ponder...

Always Question...

Another poem from my friend Sarah (posted below). Reading her words made me stop and consider... why do we still continue to dance these dances... these things only keep us small. And having the courage to question these things, creates a bigger space within for new insights and information to flow.

Let's continue to question everyday... and for things I think I am done with, I will continue to question within myself every once and a while, because they will now have a new context and new meaning... it will hold new answers and insights for me.

Questions to be Asked

by sarah witherell

What creates a need to hide behind a mask?
Pretending......does it really cover up a past?

At what point does fear come into a body to reside?
when does a person convince themselves it neccesary to hide?

Exactly who created each of societies set of rules?
That whether obeyed or disobeyed make us look like fools?

How long will it take, for all of us to engage?
Only then will we create the space to break down world rage.

Decloaking Signals

Decloaking... it can be as big as you want it to be. Or as small as you want it to be. You can decloak in increments or allow yourself to stand exposed in an instant.

Time is a nominalization... Timing is what is right for the individual... the way you decloak is what is right for the individual. For some it is to stand raw, totally exposed in their unabashed brilliance for all to witness. For others it is just to revel in the deep knowing within themselves of just who they authentically are.

My time is now, I prefer going big and doing it instantly. For myself I find when I have the insights that bring the deep knowing of my authentical self (Signal #1) I cannot kept that silent. If i choose to slience my Self.... I begin to get a sore throat. My bodies way of telling me I must decide... am I going to choose to be weeny and not let anyone see this True Self? Or am I going to let it fully take over my being, welcome it, create the space for it to remain... and engage?

When I am engaging from my signal # 1, I know I am powerful, I am brilliant, I feel as if I can take on the world. When engaging from my signal # 1 I feel glorious, I am happy, I am filled with love and compassion. When I am engaging from my signal # 1 I can see the brilliance in you. Everyone I meet, I recognize they are brought into my awareness for a reason and that reason is almost always an invitation for me to consider some aspect of myself.

What I must work on for myself is to remain conscious of how it feels to be speaking and acting from my authentic self and choose in the "now" to create the space for me to live like that more and more often. As I write these words I know that if I choose to live this way my life will be immense, unlimited, unbounded and meaningful. As I choose to just BE.

Tis the Season

Tis the season for hustle and bustle. Tis the season for lending and spending. Tis the season for laughing and singing. Tis the season for family.

So the whole holiday season, especailly Christmas is so commercialized isn't it? Kids who don't get as much (if anything) are made to feel by their peers that they are less than. Perhaps not with malice but it always was a competition in a way, what did you get for Christmas? That's it? Well I got... etc.etc. and so is the dance of I'm better than you. No more dances of the sugar plum fairy I'm afraid.

So yes, I dance this dance again this year for the sake of my 11 yr old who must have an MP3 player. My spouse and I do not exchange gifts anymore (not in any grand sense) a pair of slippers and a treat, a little something to unwrap and open. We realize that this year we have other priorities for our finances. My sister and I do not exchange gifts, we buy for eachothers kids and even then we need to start to put a price limit on that.

One recent conversation I have with my sister she asked me what I got my kids for Christmas. I told her (it was 2 gifts each), she asked what else I was getting them... I didn't have any intention of getting them anything else this year, it just wasn't in our budget. So last night after a family dinner, my sister told me what she got my 11 yr old... so much more than we usually buy for each others kids. She said it was because she knew we weren't able to go all out this year... sweet, generous and loving.

Yet up pops flashes of feelings that I know no longer serve me... guilt, inadequacy, shame, worry (dead horses). I worried that what her kids might feel upset because I only got small gifts for the 2 oldest ones, I worried about what the family would think of me not buying my kids lots of things and seeming to rely on the charity of others, totally not the case, however that is my filter and story of how others will react. Funny how the holiday season can make you feel like you thought you never would again. Everyone has their best intentions, yet someones filters or strategies will alway put a different spin on it.

So this year I choose. I choose not to let my filters, strategies, or dead horses stand in my way of the pure joy and magic of this season. As the majority of the world I interact with chooses to celebrate Christmas, I will do the same, as it is a tradition that still serves me... I will just be rid of the bullshit that comes along with it.

One more week until Christmas Eve... one more night of wrapping presents... 2 more Christmas parties... 15 more Christmas Cards... then over a week off to enjoy... to relax... to play with my girls... to write some more of my book... to just be.

A Poem by a Friend

My very good friend wrote the following poem about her Awakening and her experiences with WEL-Systems, since taking ITS in November.

She gave me permission to share this powerful poem. Some of you have met her, some haven't yet. Enjoy her words as the ripple through your body.

I became....
By Sarah Witherell

Judgement has always been my life curse
Always questioning what others might think first

Tissue becomes hard
Rigid with fear
Motionless by rules
I BECAME.... SMALL

Searching for happiness was my life quest
Oblivious to the fact that I did know best

Angry at world
Powerless sets in
Desperate to find peace
I BECAME....SICK

Visiting the doctor not really knowing what to say
I came out with a diagnosis and pills, so she could get paid

Restlessness eases
Life force diminishes
Control over emotions
I BECAME.... STATIC

Continued to search everywhere for my identity
Couldn’t help but feel like a victim of our society

Searching intensified
Spirit woke up
Body shook
I BECAME... SCARED

In the midst of despair I opened a new door
To my surprise I found questions, friends and more

Movement vibrated
Tingling became intense
Processing created insights
I BECAME.... SARAH

Although I have known my life has been changed from this time last year through the Women's Leadership Program and subsequently the WEL-Systems programs. This one poem for me really spoke to the immense power we all have to claim back our lives if we just allow ourselves to consider.

Holographic Universe???

So this is very interesting. I've been feeling deprived and disconencted due to not being able to connect at home (see previous post re Dis...connected). Dissappointed that I can not continue writing my book right now because I don't have a working computer at home... and wait a minute... this is a holographic universe... I belive tht my thoughts, attitude and actions have a direct impact on my abilities to shape my future... I can make it happen damn it! LOL

So I am at work and thinking I am going to bring home the laptop again so I can continue writing and thought... I should check my blog (for whatever reason) I did and I discovered my work no longer has this blocked... I can post... from work.

I'm not sure how long this is going to last, but I thought I'd take the opportunity. I am posting and I will no longer allow myself to be limited by things I PERCIEVE as limiting me... boundless...

Art Workshop Wednesday

We are about to embark on a day of discovery through Art... I'm not sure what type of art we will be creating, what mediums, what context. I know that I am done with the horse, chapter, circles of guilt and of shame. They no longer serve a purpose for me. I will gladly go and let them fall away effortlessly. I am curious as to what creations will extend out of my hand onto the paper. Which expression of myself will emerge? Who have I become to date and who will I become in my future? I can feel something big happening in my body, something huge will be emerging today. I am excited, anxious and waiting with baited breath... just what will be created as I know have space, once again.

SO what does this mornings creation mean? It began as my "name", as my "courage"... and it transformed into this fantastic powerful flow of movement. Courage is sourced by something more, the blend into the field coming through the core into the word "Courage" feeding it and allowing it to flow through the body of my work and back out into the universe, fed from the dark strength that is transforming into light as it returns to the field. Lots of movement with the sea, It takes me back to one of my first experiences of being in the field during a white feather induction I think with Celine & Cathy, I lost myself and was looking at a fish floating in a body of water, it was a bright fish the surrounding water was dark and isolated.

Today the first image I was drawn to was that of a fish, immense and colourful in the dark water, however along the edges of the water there was other fishes, much smaller, camouflaged almost, and ever present. For me it meant I could be large, immense and colourful, I can be seen as standing alone, yet remain mindful that there is others who are around me, with whom I am ever connected with.

The second image I choose still had the sea around it although I didn't recognize this until recently. It is that of a raven on top of a rock outcropping, majestic and standing alone as a beacon for others to see.

The rock I chose, I chose from afar because of the attractiveness of the out croppings, the nooks and crannies... and as I came close enough I come to see Shit... it is actually a piece of coral... again with the sea.
The sea. The sea represents immensity, fluidity, movement, the field. It represents all of that and more. The sea can be loud and rough, the sea can be calm and quiet. The sea supports life, the sea can also take it. The sea has continual movement, the endless ebb and flow of the tide, the waves crashing upon the shore, or lapping on the shore at times. But always moving, never the same yet is always familiar.

I have come to really love the pencil sketch that has come out of Lori's Courage... and the other art I created during the day. As a good friend of mine has been known to say..."Who Knew?".

Leona was very present this week through out the Whispers from Within Women's Writing Retreat, on my holodeck and that of others. Her beautiful poetry, songs and stories she shared with many of us on Sunday evening before this retreat began still are rippling through my consciousness. So as she once intended to be here this week... although not physically present, her essence has definitely been popping up through this week.

Today was a day of discovery. A day to feel the energy move though my hands and manifest as beautiful creations on the page in front of me... Creations that I am definitely going to hang up for display at home. After today I feel that there is creativity in all of us, and one of the tricks to bring it out is to focus on one word that holds deep meaning for you and expand on it. It was truly amazing to see the magnificent pieces all of the women created, I look forward to continuing with this medium as well as with words.

Today I found the creative me, the me that reveled in the sound of the graphite on the paper, the me that smudged and blended with my fingers, the me that used my nails to remove excess wax. I played, I created, I expressed, I enjoyed, I laughed, I felt, I moved, I am.
Tomorrow is unknown. And I am again so excited to see who I will become tomorrow.

Mortality and Chapters

Guilt is a chapter in my life that is closed and done with. It no longer serves me any purpose. It just keeps me small and casts doubt within myself. Most of the guilt I had was based on learned behaviors, church (Catholic upbringing), ties in with the family guilt based on catholic values. The other guilt stemmed from knowing now, what I didn't know before and seeing how I could have been doing things differently. And that is the past, not the present or the future so again this is something that no longer serves me. I know by being rid of this chapter (or dead horse), I will create the space to be truly present to what is going on and to truly be awake when I am with my children, spouse, family, co-worker. I can dance a different dance with them, one that is lighter (a dead horse is quite cumbersome you know).

Shame is a chapter of my life that has recently come into my consciousness. And all be it a short visit with Shame this is one chapter that I know I do not need around as it truly holds nothing for me that will take me into my future. To close this chapter I can visit these things that I hold as shameful, let them rumble through my being and metabolize the messages they hold for me. This is a chapter I want to close, this is also homework for me tonight. To allow Shame to rumble through my cells, each of the points I listed under the title. And see how each feels in each Chakra. Let my body do the work, be done with it, claim it, own it, and complete that chapter of my life. Shame is a powerful word for me, one that I don't want to listen to anymore.

As I am tasked to think about Mortality, I think about the ebb and flow of all that is energetic life. I reflect on the ebb and flow in the context of mortality. How one chapter must end for the next chapter to begin. A chapter must end... or a new one can not begin. They story can never get told if we get stuck in chapter one.

So already I can reflect on different chapters in my life that have completed themselves. The old Lori Walton from a year ago is no longer present in this body as I do not and never will hold myself to be that person anymore. That was a person who didn't have a voice, no self esteem, was unhappy, unworthy and stupid (to name but a few), some new words that I would use for my old self are lost, asleep, comatose at times. This is definitely not who I am now, nor who I will ever be in my emerging future.

When you close a chapter of your life, much like revealing a secret, you feel lighter, more at ease, more powerful, more free. I keep saying own it, claim it, engage. I can see how these phrases can relate in so much of my unfolding self.

So a song has just come into my consciousness called "The Power of Goodbye" by Madonna and the words that jumped out at me were "Freedom comes when you learn to let go, Creation comes when you learn to say no... you were my lesson, I had to learn... I was your fortress you had to burn, pain is a warning that somethings wrong" Now if that is not a metaphor for Mortality, for closing chapters in your life, what the fuck is? Freedom comes as you complete a chapter, story or journey, creation comes when you say no to dancing that same dance. The chapter once served a purpose it was my lesson, I was the vessel for the fire to burn, and the pain is a warning that we need to pay attention!

Well I must say that summed it up beautifully for me. So now I rumble around with shame... and as I close these two chapters Guilt & Shame tonight, who knows who I will wake up as tomorrow?

Boundless - Bounded Edition

If I were to leave this body today, what I am, who I have become and who I know I have not yet revealed.

I am huge. I am immense. I am god. I have the capacity to become anything I wish. I am a woman (which was the vessel of my choice). Being a woman has given me my own unique sound. I have a unique power, with passion and spirit. I shape my world, I manifest my future.

I am a force to be reckoned with... yet I will not be swayed by your opinions of me.

I want others to know they have all of this within themselves. I want them to know they are able to shape their own models of the world. If they awaken to the power of their personal potential, "Just who can I become"?

I know as each day passes by, each hour, each minute, I am more than I was.

The Whispers from Within need only to be claimed in your consciousness to own. They will no longer be a nagging feeling somewhere in the pit of your soul. When you claim it into your consciousness you become very clear on it if it truly resonates for you.

As I struggled with decloaking to my spouse... what I was really struggling with was a Whisper from Within.

What I knew I had to say to him, was something I hadn't yet said to myself... and by wanting to decloak to my spouse I would actually have to own it and claim it for me... scary stuff.

whisper... whisper...

The clarity of claiming it in my body... well at least silently by writing it down on paper. Speaking it out loud is a whole different ball game. I gathered my strength and stepped out of my box and told him what I needed him to hear. And lo and behold, my relationship did not fall apart, the world did not crumble as I feared it would. And now it leads me to consider, how important I felt it was for us to be married. For 12 years I have thought this is something I needed from him to prove himself to me... really it was all about my insecurities.

Marriage... marriage is not what I need where I had held a belief for so long this is what I wanted this is what I needed to be complete. This belief does not serve me any longer. Marriage may not be where I want to go right now.

What does marriage (a nominalization) mean to me? Commitment, love, safety & security (in companionship), makes it difficult to leave, bound, not free... yet free. Co-parent, co-create, live, love, free to travel, without guilt. I love him, I am enveloped by his presence, I am comfortable with him... and does that mean we need to be Married???

Can we go along with a marriage respecting each other fully and not losing ourselves? I will not again lose myself, become less than, be small... because I am immense, I am huge, and you can NOT change me. I will not allow myself to be anything but my authentic, evolving self.

I want people (me) to know the bounds they hold true for themselves (myself) are only "held" there by themselves (myself). We are boundless... (I am boundless...) We are limitless... (I am limitless...) I can be free, if I choose to be.

I inspire others, much like I am inspired by others.

I engage in life fully, in a life that holds passion and meaning for me.

I speak my truth, unabashed and unapologetically, as I know my voice can make a difference.

I take up space, I am huge, I am immense, my energy is big and I love it!

I break the thin ice on the puddle just to hear that sound of pure joy from my past.

I stuck out my tongue and tasted the first snowfall of the year, and sang, and smiled in the dark, cold night.

The sound of the fire crackling and popping is inviting. The warmth from the hearth is soothing. I feel so comfortable, I am home. I am god. I am me. I am free.

Are you being served?

My stomach was knotting up, my throat was dry like it has never been before in the past... right from the back of my mouth down into my chest into my power chakra. I knew I needed to read "Boundless" out loud to the women in this room, to decloak.

I can't believe it... yes I can. I revealed my most deepest, darkest, secret to this group of women... and it wasn't so bad.

I didn't get laughed at, they didn't get up and leave appalled and disgusted, I didn't die from shame and humiliation. Again, this is a boundary that I imposed upon myself with my worry and concern over society's hang ups. What other people think of me is not my business... except for when I make it my business...bounds...limitations... boundaries... boxes.

Man, I talk a good talk and I still have / created boxes in my life. Boxes I built to keep in and control the shame and humiliation I imagined there would be, if I really decloaked and let everyone see the real me.
I don't need boxes in my life. I don't want, won't allow myself to be bound any longer. Just get over myself and get on with it. Live it. Claim it. Own it. Engage.

Where else in my life am I hanging onto something, box, bound, strategy, label... that is taking up space and not allowing room for growth?

What can I get rid of that no longer serves me?

Shame...

Guilt...

Silence...

An Inconvenient Truth

Wow, just finished Watching An Inconvenient Truth. What an eye opener. The Density and Intensity of the whole world is just tangible... waiting for people to wake up! And engage!

This is a metaphor for how I feel about women in leadership... this journey I am on now. I know that we need to awaken. Awaken to our own potential, awaken to our own brilliance, awaken the possibility, inevitability's really of more.

Come to know the real true magnificent being I truly am and by claiming, owning it, living it, the world shifts.

If enough of us become awake and hear our authentic sound, and live it... the world as we know it will cease to be and a whole new future will unfold before our very eyes.


This shift of consciousness has occurred in the past, Al Gore depicted many examples of it in our history in this film... it will occur again. I know it needs to occur "now" and I know I can play a role in manifesting this.

As I was watching this film the notes I jotted down as important enough for me to jot down were when Al Gore was talking about all of the natural disasters happening in the world recently, floods, droughts, fires, Hurricanes, Tsunamis... he made a statement that I wrote down, "...nature hike through the book of revelations" That statement stuck with me. It was very profound and really served to convey the sense of intensity and seriousness of the issue.

The one major statement that keeps drifting in my consciousness is from the Declaration of Intention... "If not me, who?"

This has always attracted me. In my journey this past year in particular. If I wait around for my future to happen, it is going to happen to me... If I get up and act, in whatever way is meaningful to me, I will shape my future.


The other thing Al Gore said that resonated with me was when he was talking about being a boy before he knew the difference between fun and work... I wrote "There doesn't need to be a difference between fun and work". This leads to a whole other conversation that I have recently begun to explore... how much would it suck if you defined yourself by your work?

As I have come to "know" my own self... my authentic self, I have also come to know, my work does not define me... I define my work. I know that I can do wonderful things in my department, things I am passionate about, engaging in shaping my model of the world. I am also mindful of if there is ever a time when my department no longer creates space to sustain me moving through my world authentically, I know my story will continue elsewhere.


Who knows where my future leads... for now I know it is within the department I am, I have something unique to offer, me. The decloaked me, standing alone, stepped out of my box never to be put back in, fully aware of the power of my unlimited potential and I can see, the brilliance within you... I am calling on it, looking for some more playmates who will awaken and discover their authentic voices and call back "I'm here, I'm awake, I'm shaping my life not allowing others to shape it for me".

My journey is still very young... the excitement I felt at the beginning of it is still very prevalent... it is just bigger now. There is always more, and thank god for that...

Create the Space, Invite... Allow... Awaken

Koffi Annan, recent Secretary General, United Nations said "The future of the world depends on Woman"

I know this to be true. For me I realize that women have a unique voice, a unique style of moving through the world. When a woman speaks with her authentic voice, speaking her truth, from signal # 1... there is passion and powerin her message. People see this... People hear this... People stop and listen... The message that woman is conveying will resonate with many... and in an instant the world begins to shift.

"The future of the world depends on woman" I know this, Koffi Annan knows this... Do you?

Over the past 10 months I have spent a lot of time with women's leadership... exploring leadership in general, I have become very passionate about Woman's Leadership and inviting others to awaken and become curious to the potential they too hold. This is what has driven me to speak at events, create the space to let my voice be heard, to write my articles.

For me, leadership is not about money, status, rank or position. I know you don't need any of these things to be a leaders. I don't have any of these things and I know I am a leader. To me, leading is not about being superior or having followers. Leading is about Igniting... Engaging... and Inspiring others to claim their unique sound, to know their truth and speak their authentic voice, to make a mark in their own world, however they choose.

I invite you to consider, not only your unique style of leading... but consider how much space do you create for those around you to claim their voice, to co-create with you and to grow?

This is part of my speech I gave at the Women's Leadership Learning Event I chaired for my department. On Friday Morning approximately 45 women gathered for this learning event "Developing our Leadership - Exploring our Potential". I had Cathy Carmody & Celine Burlock come into facilitate a morning of exploration based from a WEL-Systems perspective. I think everytime I listen to women engage in this context, or I read over the material, something new clicks for me. I get a clearer and better understanding of one of the models or a different way in which I can apply it.

I would have loved to have positioned myself in a different way in the room to really watch the women as some of them began to awaken. When I got back to the office in the afternoon I had 3 people stop me to talk about WEL-Systems, Huna or my expierence in all of this. I received 7 e-mails in the 2 hrs I was at my computer that followed the event. The ripples have turned to waves... the Tsunami is coming.

I am off to Oceanstone again tomorrow for another week (this time vacation/Writing Retreat), purely for pleasure, and another week with Louise LeBrun. I wonder who I will be when I return this time?

Hoping I will have to ability to post while I am there.

Dis... Connected... No more

So for the past week I have been not able to tap into the internet at home. Meaning... I have not been able to post to my blog... I have felt so disconnected. Since beginning this blog, I have come to enjoy posting my thoughts on different subjects, talking about events and activities I have been learning about and engaging in. And now I'm back.

Fortunately my supervisor has lent me a laptop (mainly for a Women's Writing Retreat I am going on next week at Oceanstone), so now I can reconnect. I'm here... I still have alot to say...

Unfortunately time is not on my side, it's late, I'm tired, I need to relax, sleep and put some thoughts together for tomorrows speech at the Greg Vaughan Women's Leadership Learning Event that I have the honor to chair! More on that this weekend...

There will always be more...

Women Leading by Example

I had the opportunity today to go to a luncheon with a keynote speaker talking about Public Service Renewal. The speakers name was Karen Ellis, Vice President Public Service Renewal and Diversity Branch of Public Service Human Resource Management Agency of Canada.

I had the opportunity to introduce myself to Karen prior to her talk. I could see they power, spirit, and immense being in her eyes. She is a very experienced woman who held many positions in the Federal Government, and she is a warm, genuine and passionate individual. She spoke with great passion on leadership, diversity and renewal. She seemed genuinely interested in the work I have done in the past year and is interested in reading my articles. Karen’s flight was late so it seemed she jetted in and out in a hurry, yet her presence was so powerful no body really felt she “wasn’t there”.

One of the questions asked at the end of Karen’s speech was about employees feeling they must “suffer in silence” and will end up leaving without ever feeling they had a voice (my interpretation of the question). My solution to this is to create a safe environment for employees to voice their thoughts, ideas and opinions (and environment of respect and value). When people feel they have a safe open space for them to speak their truths and know their voice is not landing on “deaf” ears, it will create an innovated, creative, proactive and motivated workforce filled with employees who are ignited and willing to engage

When you come across someone like Karen, she really ignites the room. She made me personally want to learn more about her initiatives, what she is working on, and who she is working with. The passion and conviction she spoke with were contagious (to me). I intend on learning more about what she does and try to figure out a way to incorporate it in what I intend on doing in my Department.

One thing I have come to know is that regardless of title and position I can make a difference. I hear people talking about it all the time, people like Karen Ellis today. Leaders inspire and ignite people and invite them to engage. It is important for the employees to remain engaged, communicate and interact with each other so the momentum is never lost. Continually evolving, always learning, striving for more, and becoming more.

I pulled this card today to reflect on and see how it would manifest as a metaphor for my day. I feel in retrospect it was very fitting. The contagiousness I felt while listening to this woman, the immense sense of incorporating what I heard and what I will learn into aspects of my life…

Excerpt(s) from the Power Deck – By Lynn Andrews

Quickening

You can never teach a warrior with words about the unknown; you must use experience. But if you look into the eyes of a woman of power, you may catch up with her a little. She has years of truth ahead of you. Her eyes can quicken you like a river heading toward the rapids…. …This is how power works. Don’t learn everything with your mind. Quicken your spirit by letting go of attachments and move to a stronger vibration of power.

The Power of Knowing

What a fantastic 7 days at Oceanstone The weather warmed up considerably for the week (although we were in our course for 12 hours a day) the evenings were fantastic.

On Saturday the 11th of November, at 11 p.m. I was outside on the deck of my cottage writing in my journal, listening to the waves of the ocean crashing on the rocks, looking up in wonder at all of the stars in the sky. Have you ever had the opportunity to look at the sky on a clear night away from city lights? It is truly an amazing sight to see.

The last day I was there (November 17th) the sun was shining around noon. I took some time when we broke for lunch and sat on a rock in the middle of a brook by the ocean, and just enjoyed all the sensations. I managed to catch that place and time in my journal. "Sitting in the middle of the brook, by the ocean, the sun shining, the mild November wind blowing, the bubbling of the brook, the crashing of the waves, the smell of the sea and the sound in the distance of a buoy bell. I took off my shoes to walk through the water. To feel I am alive. I have created all of this for my self. I am home. I am free. I am me."

I came into this course "Resourcefulness in Action", not knowing exactly what to expect. I was sure I had it all figured out. I still knew there was more and that I can learn from experiences daily. And yet I still thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew everything I needed to know about myself and I most definitely know how to deal with difficult situations. And yet... I should have known better.

What I discovered about me during this past week is more than I expected. I came into it thinking I knew, I left with a deep sense of knowing that all I ever need is me. After all it is all about me, just like for you it is all about you, and you, and you.

When I deal with my kids and they are crying, upset, or even enraged. All I need to do is sit with them, in the same room as them, and look at them. So they know I see them, I recognize they are upset/angry/sad, I am there for them, they are legitimate. How often do we send them off to their room to cry in isolation?

I discovered that although I have Decloaked in the workplace I have not done so with my family. I discovered that it is much harder to reveal myself and the changes I have made in my life to the ones I love most. It is difficult to make a transition from cynic, non-confident, smart ass to this wonderfully, motivated, engaging, and ignited leader.

When your family is worried that you may be overstepping your "bounds". I have discovered that "bounds" only exist if you believe they are there to limit you.

When you are so worried about what people in your life will say, you make up stories about how they will react without even knowing that is in fact the case. How many times in our lives to we assume someone will shut us down before we even open our mouths to ask?

Some other words, labels I discovered I still needed to claim or work through came in and out as the days passed. Words I didn't not think were related to me at all. Yet each time one of these 14 magnificent women spoke, their words would evoke something deep within me that I needed to claim to become whole. Many times during this week I witnessed women claim back the power they once lost sometime in their past. There is nothing more amazing and phenomenal then being witness to that.

I have learned that by claiming every experience for myself, I was claiming back some power to make me whole and more connected with my authentic self. That each person I come in contact with is equally as brilliant and full of potential as I am. I have learned that even people I bump up against hold a huge lesson about me some how. We manifest mirror images of our self in this way.

I have claimed the ability to fully engage on by behalf in whichever way I choose. To create my future and design my own destiny. To know that by being exactly who I am will shape the world I live in. My ability. My future. I can just be. And by being, openly, I become a beacon for others to do so as well.

Knowing, deeply knowing, I am all I will need to make it in this world. Knowing that I can claim it. Knowing that I can shape it. Knowing I am me. The power of knowing.

My Journey Part II - Resourcefulness in Action

Tomorrow is my first day of Resourcefulness in Action at Oceanstone, close to Peggy's Cove, NS. I am really looking forward to moving into this next level through the WEL-Systems Institute.

When I did my first level Igniting the Self this past June, I became very clear on the direction I was going to take in my life. I am excited to see what discoveries Resourcefulness in Action will hold for me.

By continuiously learning, I am ever evolving, and will continue to engage fully in life... recognizing there will always be more, the potential is unlimited.

I will be away from this blog for at least 7 days, and I know upon my return there will be many entries and stories to share of my newest discoveries and thoughts.

Beautifully Simple

In recent conversations with a friend we were discussing our vision of the future of our work place. Reflecting on the changes that have already occurred and those that still need to happen.

Recognizing if we were all to be clear about our authentic self and listen to Signal #1 (our personal truth), the work place would be amazing. It would be an organization who created space for all employees to grow and become more. How fantastic would that be?

With so many changes happening and going to happen in our workplace, how smoothly can that transition occur? Imagine how it could be if we are all clear on who we are and supportive of others awakening to their authentic selves?

Some thoughts that came up during our conversation were...

What must we overcome to move to the next level of change? Surely there should be some obstacle, someone/something we have to butt heads with.

Or can it be a simple and smooth transition?

It has been my experience that if you are living authentically, doing what you feel you should be doing, remaining clear on your intention, that change (or life in general) can just be.

You see there is a fantastic thing we each have and it is choice. We can choose how we are going to act or react to every given situation. If in our journeys of leadership, discovery or change we come up against an "obstacle" or someone who thinks we are overstepping our bounds... we can choose to let that stop us, let that deter us from reaching our goal, or allow their opinions to cause us to second guess ourselves... or we can choose not to engage in that way, to remain clear about your intention, and stay true to your authentic self.

If you consciously make your choice, whichever one serves you best at that time, recognize that it is your choice... own it.

No one can stop you from reaching your intention, the only possible obstacles or hurdles in your way are within you.

How do you choose to live your life? Fully authentically you? Or you do still allow others to shape your world?

I know the way I intend on living, I am loving every minute of it... and there is always more.

Countdown to Resourcefulness in Action

3 more sleeps until my next milestone in my journey of self discovery and my personal leadership... Resourcefulness in Action, just what is this going to reveal to me? Who more will I become after this next week? I will be evolving yet again, and as always I am up for the ride.

My article Decloaking is out in my departmental newsletter (Breakers), Choice Points & Spirit Crossings right now. It feels good to know people from each of these audiences are reading and perhaps asking similar questions I had asked myself as I was writing this article. My article Reflections of Self is about my experience having Decloaking published in Breakers. And too, re-reading Decloaking as it is published in these various forums, I can see how much more I know now, than I did when I was writing it. How much more clarity I have on the path & direction of my life.

And there is always more, life is good.

Coffee, Coversations & Catalysts

Had a lovely afternoon with some of my favourite people. Lots messages come up for me to pay attention to.

Celine was talking about something this afternoon and a big wave came up in me. I am being my authentic self at work and this is good. Yet at home I am not fully engaging in my life, not yet fully stepping into my SELF.

And what am I waiting for? What if I wake up tomorrow and my world has completely changed? Will I have regrets that I didn't authentically live my life with my family? Will I regret taking for granted the notion of there is always tomorrow? Why am I waiting?

When I am at home I am still my "culturally conditioned self" to some extent. At work people can really see the changes in me because I have no worries about living it. Why am I still afraid to decloak in front of my family and friends. What is still going on within me that I am not processing, that I feel the need to keep myself small in front of those I claim to love the most?

Many questions for me to consider. And there is always more.

Thank you to those who came to my Coffee event today, your questions, stories and presence has again invited me to become curious about myself.

I have much to reflect on and discover... am I willing to decloak in front of my family? The answer is yes...the question is when...

Witnessing the Power of a Woman

Today I had privilege to witness the power of two different women. How amazing it is to see it from someone else. When they finally stand raw in front of the world to see.

One woman was so clear on her true intention, clear on what she was not willing to put up with anymore and stood in all her magnificent glory to say "I am worth more". And then she acted on it. I was in awe... I still am. It was as if she filled the room when she told me her story. I still have Goosebumps thinking about her absolute power she claimed today, knowing all along it was in her (as it is in each of us) and having the honour of watching her come home to herself. I just can't do it justice with words. And if you are reading this (which I know you will) never again forget the feeling you experienced today... keep it with you for it is your own majesty that is your authentic self.

The other woman whom I had the chance to witness today... she finally found the power of her authentic voice. She had the opportunity to trust herself and voice her authentic voice and experience the brilliance with in her Self. She feels more empowered because of this and I know she is coming to awaken to her own potential and is trusting that her Self, her inner self, signal #1 will not steer her wrong. It is going to be awesome for me to see her fly, and fly she will… she is already unleashing her wings.

Speaking with her later on in the day she talks about how freeing it would be to be a child again... with out any of this culturally conditioned self to have to worry about... how fantastic is that? To feel once again that we can conquer the world, that we are absolutely able to shape our destinies, and be curious about everything again... to play.

And who says we cannot have this again? I know we can, if we choose it, own it and live it.

Quite the powerful day after a draining week. Just being in the presence of these women as they discovered and found their true selves has served as a great recharge for me.

Coffee Conversations & Catalysts is this Sunday (Nov. 5th) at 1p.m. If you are interested in what this might be or if you know what it is and need more details... drop a line and I'll fill you in.

Hats off to Teachers

Wow, I just spent the day with a group of Grade 9 students at my work. I was originally scheduled to give a brief presentation this morning, and it evolved into a full day event for me as co-facilitator with Andrew Al-Khouri, friend, co-worker and Chair of the Avant Guarde Youth Network at work.

Each student I met today had their own thing that they were interested in and passionate about. There was one who really enjoyed babysitting because she loved children; a young man who really enjoyed writing songs; a few young ladies who enjoyed writing & reading poetry; soccer; wake boarding; snow boarding; playing music; one young lady played a slew of sports... basketball, soccer, football, just to name a few. They were really quite amazing.

One of the activities they had to accomplish during the day was to build a bridge out of popsicle sticks, glue, and paperclips. Each group had such a different approach and the group who had felt their bridge wasn't completed at the end of the day was the group that built the strongest bridge. Just goes to show that you never know unless you try.

It was a pretty amazing day for me to see the energy these students had. And I only spent 5 hours with them. My hats off to teachers because I'm not sure I'd have it in me (I'm am ready for bed now!)

My presentation went well considering I was the first "presentation". Some of the children enjoyed it, some actively participated in it, others just listened, or not. As always it's not about reaching everyone, for me it is about speaking my truth and if I inspire just one person, I have moved one step closer to my intention. I haven't asked for feedback yet on my speech, I think I will ask Andrew tomorrow what he though (he heard me speak before a group in June... I spoke fast & my voice shook then). I know he will give me a good critique on my "presence" during my presentation. I know I did it differently today, and it will be interesting to hear how it appears from another party.

As soon as I can get my kids off to bed I'm going to be sawing logs.

And there is always tomorrow.