Abundance and Growth

I am very clear on who I am.

I am very clear on who I am becoming.

I am very clear on what I will no longer settle for.

The conversations are there waiting to be had. Courage is needed to run through my body to have these conversations.

I have let go of what no longer serves me.

I have let go of the past.

I am ready to create, fully create, with all of me... my present and shape my future for myself and my children.

I will not keep myself small any longer, to do so would model that behavior as acceptable for my girls, and I am VERY clear that I want them to be unencumbered to be whomever they choose to be... and never be limited.

Only Day 2... what a fantastic week this is as an invitation to become even MORE...

Engaging and Awakening Others

Wow, what a first day of the Engaging program.

Here is what I am feeling.

I am feeling an intensity in these programs.

I am feeling an excitement in these programs.

I am feeling such a strong pull of WHO I AM wanting to come out and engage in these programs.

Here is what I know... I am much bigger than I allow myself to be.

Do you know what I mean?

How many times in our lives do we NOT do something or NOT say something because that is not what "good girls", "good kids" or "good employees" do. Or that is something that you don't want to do if you "want to get ahead". So we keep ourselves smaller than we know we are.

For me I discovered today if I trust in myself and engage fully and meaningfully (to me) in what I am passionate about I will create so much more than I already am.

I discovered today that I held a fear about being "too big for my britches".

I held a fear if I truly allowed myself to step out of the box and create what I feel pulled to create that I may fail.

And it isn't failing that is scaring me... it is that what will my parents (mother) think?

I found out today that some aspect of me is still seeking approval from her. Not approval to allow me to do something but for her to be proud of what I am creating. I was afraid that if I failed I would get a "I told you so". Hmm. Funny that.

It shows how deeply ingrained into our cells this culturally conditioned self is.

And who knows what is true about my mother? I don't, I am not her.

So the question for me actually lies in, do I trust myself to create and SUCCEED in what I am passionate about?

Am I truly resourceful enough to stand alone in what I am creating?

Am I willing to let go of this fear that was allowing me to keep myself small?

Am I willing to be who I know I AM... fully... not this puny being I have kept myself as for 30 years but this full manifestation of expression of who I AM in this world... brilliant (much like you)

I'm ready. I'm game. Bring it on... I'm ready to continue to create my future. I'm ready to fully engage, all of me, my signal #1 in full force without fear... (I think)

I AM... and tomorrow is yet another day. (it's only Monday)

Engaging and Awakening Others

Looking forward with anticipation to tomorrows invitation of another new beginning as I step into Engaging and Awakening Others with Louise LeBrun.

This week is going to be amazing, intense and profound. I know that at the end of this week I will have moved through so many things that I didn't even recognize were holding me back.

Who will I become? That is most of the fun... Ever Evolving... constantly discovering more...

of me.

Incomplete

I sketched a picture the other night in Moncton titled "The Disconnect", it stemmed from a belief I held about the lack of engagement and communication within our organization.

It has been on my mind since I made it. There was something that wasn't resonating with me completely.

Today I realized this sketch is incomplete and inaccurate.

I (my sketch) represented NO ownership from the individual. That is living at the effect side of the equation... the vicitm side... the "the problem is outside of me" side.

Much like I have gone out of my way to be engaged and involved with our organization in this past year; so must others if they feel there is a lack of communication or if they are feeling disengaged.

CLICK... the "Power of One"... the power lies within.

We are the creators of our futures; it isn't up to anyone but ourselves to become.

To become the brilliant beings we always have been but have forgotten.

The only one limiting yourself is yourself.

Tomorrow is a new day and there is always more.

Is it ever too late to change?

I'm back from the forum I attended in Moncton. It was a fast 24 hour trip with several workshops and 2 keynote speakers.

The last speaker on the first afternoon "Dr. Laugh" Chris Johnson talked about how we take everything so seriously especially in the work place. How we rarely take our outside self into the office (the positive, fun loving, caring self). How if we could just find a little humor and humanity in our workplace our lives would be much richer. He suggested we give hugs more freely, listen to co-workers if they need an ear, and do the unexpected to make others smile.

The final speaker of the session was Cathy Carmody "Power of One". I had the opportunity to be up front with Cathy drawing the models on a 2nd flip chart for the room to see. Cathy of course presented several of the WEL-Systems models to the room full of predominantly middle mangers with our department. What a fantastic 2 hrs those were.

The room was filled with management who are ready to retire soon, new managers who have been around for a while but are now moving into the supervisory roles, men from the "old boys club", women who are already familiar with the WEL-Systems, women who aren't, and many of us "younger folk" who participated as part of the youth network.

Some of the comments I heard during the 2 hours (all from men) were like...

"Well it's too late for me now, why are you presenting it to us (middle mangers)
when I am set to retire in a few years."

"I can see how I can use this at home, but how can I do it at work without
encouraging anarchy?"

"I really think this is great, we are taught this in University then come here
and we are forced to move down levels to deal with those we work with"

"I saw that too. I am in between the youth network and the retiring
managers here and I felt when I came I interacted from all levels of thinking...
Now I'm predominantly the bottom 3"

Fascinating and encouraging to hear such comments and engagement. Throughout the whole session, this was the first time the participants in the room were PARTICIPATING. This was awesome (from my perspective).

After the day was done and people began to leave to travel home, the Chair of the Youth Network (and often a co-facilitator during work events with me) was speaking to Cathy. He is very interested in getting this program going for men in the department (perhaps interdepartmental to the NS Youth Network?)

On the bus ride home to Halifax, I heard people talking about the Power of One presentation. Another man there said, "if you combine what the two keynote speakers were talking about you have the key to living". And I asked, would you take a men's program, he said hell yes.

Today at work yet another man commented on that Power of One session how much he enjoyed it, he commented on how much I seemed to have gotten from the Women's Leadership Pilot Program Cathy & Celine did last year, and how they should have one for men. Well, I said, you should talk with Andrew, he spoke with Cathy after the session yesterday and seemed really keen on getting something like that happening.

Life is indeed good... It is never too late to change, if you want it, if you feel there is something missing, if you have lived your life and you are still wondering what your purpose is... ask questions... get curious... consider what if...

Make the choice to LIVE according to you and your own passion. And have fun for once while you are working... when you love your work (passionate); work ceases to be work; you can be playing all of the time (and still getting paid).

And tomorrow is a new day. My last day at my "old" job. Then I play with Louise for a week while I'm "Engaging" and I begin a new.

A different woman (because if you have ever played with Louise you know how much you grow and evolve into someone more); in a different job.

Another chapter begins... and there is always more

The Disconnect

My interpretation…
So after the first day of the forum I went back to my room to sketch.
The attached is what showed up on the paper… my interpretation of our organization and the whole communication issues, and engagement issues.
I thought I'd share it with those of you who would take it for simply my interpretation and nothing more… I don't know what else to do with it (or why I was compelled to sketch it for that point).

Getting Organized

I have organization on my brain today, I dreamt about it last night and have just completed creating the handbook for my Parenting Workshop.

I have an upcoming over night trip this week to Moncton for a Personal and Professional Leadership Forum where Cathy Carmody will be one of the presenters. This is for a Middle Management Forum.

This past year I have had the opportunity to attend the Leadership Forum (Directors & Regional Managers) and hear about their visions and see their leadership styles. I chaired our regional departments Annual Women's Leadership Event and was able to share my vision and views on Leadership and introduce the WEL-Systems perspective on leadership and living to the women who attended (directors, managers and co-workers). Now I will be able to go to the Middle Managers Forum and see what their visions and views on leadership are.

For some reason there is still such a disconnect in communications felt and noticed within our department and I have a feeling I know where this disconnect is happening (for the most part). It will be interesting to be able to see it from all perspectives of "levels" throughout our department.

The week after February 26 - March 2nd, I will be in the Engaging program with Louise. And I am totally looking forward to my next step in my evolution. I will also be recording my CD Single Moms: Struggles and Strengths during this week. There is an article I wrote on the same subject in February's ChoicePoints newsletter or you can click here to read it.

I start my new job on March 5th, 2007. I am very excited about this change and I know it will be an invitation to learn new skills and make new discoveries about myself.

So I have 3 days left at my current job (after all the trips and training is said and done). And Organization is in the forefront of my thoughts. What do I have left to do that needs doing so I can easily move from my current job into my new one. I've already created a "How To" book, I've created a document with all of the links I use for the ease of my successor. I just have to clear up some backlog and finish packing my boxes.

Things are moving... Movement = Growth, Life is good.

The Field

I just finished reading "The Field" by Lynne McTaggart. What an amazing compilation of a variety of scientific experiments and research about "the field", our collective consciousness and the power of our intentions.

I thoroughly enjoyed every discovery in this book, reading about distance healing, remote viewing, the experiments and successes.

I especially came to life when reading about how each and everyone one of us has the potential to do all of this ourselves... create our own futures, affect the health of ourselves and others, predict or sway the outcome of things just by focusing our intention and tapping into the Zero Point Field. The Field, the source, all that there is, that runs through and around everything, connecting us as one, supporting us all as individuals.

So we can truly stand alone and never be alone. Interesting notions.

It supports my belief that we all have the resources within our own selves to live a healthy, prosperous and happy life, as creators of our own futures.

The task is for us to wake up to this power we each have. To wake up to the more we are.

In our dreams we imagine we are immense, successful, happy, doing something that we are passionate about, that makes us feel alive.

Then we wake up.

Some of us are choosing to live our dreams, to work towards them, awake and conscious in our choices and seizing the chance to engage in things we are passionate about.

And the some of us are saying, "Oh what a nice dream... I know I couldn't never do that" telling yourself you are smaller than that, you can only do what you are doing now, you can always dream of more... but it will never be your reality.

This book has strengthened my belief, my deep knowing that we are god forces completely in control of the manifestation of our future.

Life is good... and there is always tomorrow.

No Harm... No Foul

My decision is made. I put myself out there... asked for it all... no harm, no foul.

I'm in sync with my friend Sarah lately (big time). Every time I engage with her it is a reflection of me (see Holy Holodecks - batman).

Last night Sarah & I were having a fantastic conversation and she asked me does my work support me and value my leadership qualities. My first thought was the people I engage with do... and the others have just fallen away (are no longer prominent in my day to day routines).

And I struggled a bit with the answer to that. It was almost like it didn't compute in my psyche. Why would I care if my work supported me or not? So that was my answer. I know that the "job" does not define me. It once did, that was one of the many things I used it to keep myself small.

What I now know is that I am resourceful enough to create my own future, regardless of which job I am in or not it. And of course during my telephone conversation with her last night, I knew that is just how I feel now, I'm very clear on that.

And yet I still didn't relate this conversation to my current situation (Duh, you'd think I'd learn... Holographic Universe)

So this morning I get to work and check my voice mail. It's my new manager calling wanting to discuss my e-mail I sent telling them I'd like to discuss options surrounding my assignment opportunity.

I met this morning with my new co-workers/managers (this is really cool, they seem to really work as a team). We had a conversation about the possibility of my going on the other assignment right from the start of my new job.

I am very excited to begin working with this group. The energy in the room was positive, they told me they were impressed with my leadership qualities in the interview and are hopeful those qualities will assist me into making the group run even more smoothly.

We all gave our points of view and in the end I agreed that although the assignment in Corporate would be a really great opportunity for me... I can create my own opportunities where ever I am.

And it was very clear to me during this meeting... my new manager hit the nail right on the head... "is it the exposure you think you'd miss if you didn't go on the assignment" (something like that) and I was very clear when I replied... I think I have the exposure and I know I can create it wherever I am. :o)

That felt really right. My wanting to take this assignment with the "big wigs" was mostly based on who I would get to know and exposure. My conversation last night with Sarah reminded me of my deep clarity that I am the one who creates my future.

There was no nagging feelings of disappointment when I said I would not go on the assignment.

I look forward to beginning my new position on March 5th, 2007. Yay me!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, more growth that is certain. Life is good.

Holy Holodecks... (batman)

As I engage with a friend over these past few days about “her issues” in “her work”… I don’t pay full attention to my holographic universe (meaning everything is an invitation for self discovery).

A lot has been moving on my job front over these past few weeks. And as time goes by and things don’t move as fast as I would like, I start to allow myself to slip back to the “old” me. I find myself falling into the victim role… “Joe blow won’t let me”. I was blaming another person for MY immediate future challenges (1-2mth time period). And I didn’t even recognize it.

I knew I felt shitty, angry, and mostly pissed off most of the time at work. I felt I was going to be wronged, whatever. I blamed these feelings on another person causing me to feel this way. What crap… I know better than this; however I was blinded to it.

This morning when engaging with my friend I wrote her an e-mail about simply choosing to honour herself in this transition period at work. That you could choose to continue to engage as a professional, with integrity, hard work and passion you always carry on your job. You don’t have to let the negative atmosphere rob that from you. You can choose to be happy until you leave the job.

And I hit the send button… as soon as I did it hit me!!!

This was all about me and my situation… on my holodeck.

I can choose to remain positive and up beat while going through this waiting period before changing jobs.

I can choose to continue to deliver excellence and professionalism in a POSITIVE and cheerful manner.

I can choose to take with me the positives of the last 6 years and let go of the negatives… (This is all dependant on the eye of the beholder anyway).

I can choose to really know that “what other people think of me is not my business” when it comes to MY career choices.

Funny that. Yet again, when I hit the snooze bar on my life; I allow myself to forget the most obvious point of all. If “it” is coming up in whatever way in my life, “it” holds meaning for me.

Life is good… and there is always more.

Who are our Children?

Do we know?

Do we care?

I am full of feelings today, rage & sadness. Far too easy is it to blame the child and ignore the adults behaviour.

I was at lunch today with some coworkers and one woman whom I just met. The conversation turned to an account of someone having their son & grandson over for dinner and how the child refused to eat something he had "spit out" on his plate. (a) who wants to eat regurgitated anything if you aren't a bird. (b) maybe something was wrong? The son took the grandson aside and spanked him for refusing to eat it. I was appalled, what a horrible thing to be beaten for.

And then the woman said "I wouldn't have waited so long to beat his bottom" - I assume she is talking about her own son… but no she was talking about her grandson!

The conversation at the table around me continued around horrific behaviour of these (generalization) horrible kids now a days, and how they are in desperate need of discipline (corporal punishment) by their parents.

I am sitting there silent… dumbfounded. Holy cow, do people still feel that spanking and abusing a child is the answer? I agree with the statement that their parents need to be responsible. I also whole heartedly DISAGREE with their suggestions of physical punishment to force submission.

This conversations totally reinforced my desire and urgent need to put on my Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting workshop.

If 4 out of the 5 women at our lunch table felt in some way that corporal punishment is acceptable and the "answer" to the problem with our children… how many others are out there thinking the same thing?

Have they taken the time to consider their own actions and explore other ways; such as consciously parenting?

And tonight as I am on the computer checking out what sites have been viewed in my home (by my eldest daughter). I am drawn to explore her web page. I recently asked her to put a password protection on her webpage because she has tons of pictures of herself and her friends online and I feel that there is enough on the web for someone to find her if they really wanted to. Now you cannot see her site unless you enter a password.

I am just amazed with the abilities of the 11 & 12 year olds I know to created these fantastic websites and keep them updated.

From Jessica's webpage I link to her friends web pages, all so fantastically done… and yet as you delve more deeply into the sites I am shocked and disturbed by the content.

The content on some of those sites are sexually explicit, expressions of sadness and depression, cries for help, horrific stories of abuse and bullying of others they know.

In one case I am torn… do I call this parent and suggest she reads her daughters website? So she can talk to her 12 year old about what is appropriate and what is not? So she can approach her about the "sad story" she has posted under reads that speaks of sexual abuse to find out if it is fiction or a truth that her daughter has experienced? My gut says yes… call the mother… And I will do this tonight.

And I wonder am I the only parent out of Jessica's group of friends that checks up on what she does online. On what information she is putting out there for the world to see? Try googling your child's name and see what comes up.

Why don’t' others take the time not only to talk to their kids about what's going on in their lives, but to check up on their child's activities that are available online for the world to see, friends, strangers and predators alike?

This concerns me greatly… Do we care about what our children are doing? I do… and I care about yours too!

The Dilemma... or is it?

I was home from work Thursday and Friday of last week. I received a phone call telling me I have been successful on another job competition, this one permanent in the finance branch.


I want to permanently move into a job that is new and fresh (finance is a permanent one).

The greatest learning experience for me will be with the assignment that I already got a few days before this one(Corporate Services, Strategic Management & Communications Branch).


The dilemma... do I have to choose?


As I was successful in the assignment first, I would accept it first, could I do so in good faith knowing that I may not be allowed to continue on the assignment if I accept the indeterminate position with finance?


I suppose it is all about ask and you shall receive. Open dialogue and communications to both potential managers/directors and the solution just may not be as difficult as I am allowing myself to imagine.


My intention is to go in and ask the management at the finance job if they would still allow me to go on the assignment with CSSMC branch (corporate, strategic, communications).

And I sarcastically say... what a dilemma to be faced with. :o)

Seeing as this is indeed a holographic universe, I know things will work out to my advantage, however that may be.

Life is indeed good, it will be interesting to see how it all happens this upcoming week.

Fever = sickness ... does it?

For the past 30 of my 31 years I "knew" that if I had a fever I needed to take something to bring my fever down. I'm wondering if that still holds meaning for me in the same way anymore.

All week Mike has been ill (he doesn't have a spleen so he typically gets hit hard). High Fever, Lungs hurting in pain, sinus pain and congestion. He has been laid up for most of the week. He has been pumping himself full of drugs and liquids to "treat" himself. (And yes all of these "symptoms" have other meaning too)

Sara (my 2 year old) has since developed a fever and a cough, minor sinus. She has a fever I give her something to bring it down (not that it seems to be working). I have also been giving her massages (which she loves) and physically having her with me by touch, by hugs, by holding hands, whatever she will let me do. I make sure my energy is positive and filled with love and feelings of healing.

Is it going to make the difference? I say it is definitely going to make her feel better, happier, and if it does more that is great.

And I'm aware that this is different, this is my daughter, this is outside of myself... What I may be allowing myself to explore regarding a new view on drugs and my body does not apply with my 2 year old, not yet anyway.

Now I have been getting some spiking temperatures myself. And it seems to pass fairly quickly. I relax, I breathe. And it passes me by. I have been experiencing no other "symptoms" like Mike & Sara have been. And I know, for me, it is because I am embracing it and allowing the information to move within me. I have control of my body, my intentions, and my health. And this is just me. This is something I have recently begun to explore and play with.

A few weeks ago I was sick, I had a chest cold that I just couldn't shake. Curiously enough as soon as I had a long awaited job interview it moved from my chest to my sinuses, then completed away after a day. So this made me thing hey, sickness really is linked to what is going on in your life... there may be something too this.

So now when the fever crept up on me, I welcomed it. I am finding that without drugs I am able to relax into myself and allow it to pass.

At what point does this work with those around me (i.e. Mike & Sara)? And I know that because it is so much about myself, it too is (in turn) about their selves, and I can only support that, I cannot control that. Can I? So much for me to still discover.

Shifting the way I've chosen to live my life and look at my world has allowed me to consider and become curious about all I have "held" to be true.

Is it really? Does it have to be that way? Why?

Most of the time the answer I find is that it isn't, it doesn't, just because someone said that was how it is, doesn't make it so.

I am finding what is working best for me as I choose to move through my world and create my future.

And I know that each one of us perceives life differently and so what works best for me may not work for you, and I challenge you not to resign yourself to settle for the "norm" if it isn't working for you... ask questions... get curious... can there really be another way? Only you will know the answer to that.

Life is good... and there is always more.

Fear

The fear of letting go.

The fear of completely trusting.

The fear of knowing.

The fear of feeling.

The fear of self.

I know I can be so much more than I am already if I just allow myself to let go of the fear.

Obviously if I haven't let it go yet it is still serving me a purpose to be hanging onto it. Or is it just such a habitual response of mine now that I am hanging on because it is now a habit.

Let's work this one through... Holding onto fear... why does it still serve me?

• If I keep my self small (i.e. be afraid of just who I am) others won't think any differently of me
• If I don't acknowledge the full personal power I know I am capable of I won't freak myself out with acknowledging ALL of that (i.e. rage, fire, emotions, sadness)
• If I don't completely trust myself and I fail; I can be right with the others who doubted me
• If I hold on to my fear of becoming more... I won't expect more from others
• If I tap into my full on potential, my signal #1, I can be scary to others (one persons perception left an impression on me obviously)

And I think that final point is the point that is holding me back. In November of last year during a WEL-Systems program Resourcefulness in Action, I tapped into that signal #1 and when I realized the potential I had to manifest things in my reality, I was surprised and a bit afraid to try it again.

Soon after I claimed my "rage" back. I had always thought of the word Rage and felt that in no way described who I was. I never felt rage, I was such an easy going person, etc, etc. Who the heck was I fooling? Myself obviously, for years. And when that suppressed rage went through my body; my release of that emotion scared a dear friend of mine. And I didn't want that to happen again, so I stuffed it back in it's box.

So for me the experience of tapping into my full sense of potential, my signal #1, was closely followed by a release of long stored anger and frustration that frightened my friend. Let's cut out some words here and boil down where my fear is stemming from.

My fear of letting go and allowing myself to be fully present is when I did engage with my signal #1 I was a scary person to be around.

I also know this is a story I made up about someone else perception of me. This does not have to be a truth for me anymore because it is MY PERCEPTION of the events that happened. Reading Louise blog and speaking with some women I know, I am drawn back to that day, longing for the feeling I had. I was so in tuned with mySELF... my signal #1, I felt immense, I felt calm, I felt all encompassing, I felt heavy, I felt love, I felt light, and I don't want to hold fear with that anymore. While I was experiencing it there was no fear, there was no hate, there was no negative energy around me... why did I tack the label of fear to something that was so right?

And I pull "Masculine" from my Power Deck by Lynn Andrews. Interesting, in part it says:

Remember the power of the masculine explodes while the power of the feminine implodes, and a sacred spiral of life is set into motion. One cannot live without the other. The masculine God is in search of the feminine Goddess. He brings gifts of driving force to her powers of intuitive, creative receptivity. Both are equal warriors in the fight against ignorance.... This is your struggle in life and a great source of power for you.

So perhaps this is a metaphor for my fear of the rage that is part of me. And I should embrace that side of me, my masculine side as well as my feminine (spear and crucible) in order to feel the whole force that is me.

And there is always tomorrow... life is good.

Consciously Choosing

Living as an optimist in a pessimistic family.

As I'm choosing to live each minute of each day knowing I create my future I find for the most part I am positive and aware of my words, attitude and energies. And I choose to live and share my life with a pessimist (he would say realist, which technically is accurate because that is the reality he chooses to create for himself).

At times Mike chooses to live in a victim state of mind, he will get excited and feel positive for something good that might happen and then waits for others to manifest this idea into a reality for him. When it doesn't happen right away the the negative speaking begins "it won't happen" or "with my luck it's not likely"... how frustrating it is for me to listen to this when I now know how easy it is to create the future you want by choosing in every moment. Choices that will support that future. And now I wonder why I keep silent.

Is it because he has made vocal his wishes not to "be" changed. I don't want to change him. I do wish he'd wake up to the real power that we all have... choice. Consciously choosing. It's much different than just choosing. By consciously choosing we can no longer be victim to circumstance... to shitty luck. Our choice is what is driving the outcome that becomes our reality and by being conscious while choosing we own it.

And I recognize now I am consciously choosing not to engage tonight with Mike about my insights... timing is also an important factor and Super Bowl Sunday just isn't the time.

Until tomorrow... there is always more... life is good.

Written Intentions

It seems this past year that when I have an insight or idea of the direction I should go I write it down. Even though I might have a zillion ideas running through my mind or even be talking about different things, the only ones that I manifest are the ones I write down.

Earlier this week I was have coffee and cupcake with a friend and I began to tell her how everything I write down, manifests. Obviously this is the way I prefer to work, if it holds great meaning for me I write down I am going to do "blah". And it just ends up happening. Sometimes it seems to happen without much interference from me, sometimes I need to put more energy into it to make it come to light. However so far it has always happened.

"Energy Flows where Intention Goes" ~ Louise has said I'm sure many times in the past. And I am truly realizing how effortless it can be, as each day goes on, as one intention is created from thought to physical, from dream to reality.

Last night I wrote about the "snails pace" I was experiencing on my work front. And much like writing down my intentions it seems that my writing about my work "competitions" created an avenue for my energy to go.

Today I found out I was successful in an Assignment I was really interested in. I am very happy has happened as I know that working on this assignment will provide me with several growth opportunities. Job wise it will give me a challenge working in a different kind of environment, I will have the opportunity to learn about the "macro" workings of our department (big picture), I will get to know some new people a lot better, and I will have the opportunity to engage with other people, many who already are aware of my journey this past year and who want to "play" too.

I joked that the things I write down tend to happen so I wrote that I would win the lottery... but I suppose you have to actually play it in order to win it. :o)

Life is good... each day unfolds as I create it... and there is always more!

The Blink of an Eye

I can't believe how quickly time is going. The past year has been intense, this past month went poof. Things are happening so quickly with my engagement in life, and at the same time some things are just moving at a snails pace.

The things I am passionate about, learning, growing, leadership, parenting, creating, engaging, etc. are here and gone in a blink of an eye... on to the next step, the next program, the newest workshop, article, book. It has kept my life interesting and exciting and moving forward.

In the meantime back in my workplace I have been waiting for numerous job "competitions" to complete themselves so I can have some movement in my job.

Last June a competitive process was set into place, they were hoping to have it completed quickly. It is now 6 months later and we are all still hopeful that the stalled process will begin to move again. And I wonder is this how it is meant to happen for me? Perhaps it isn't the right time. Who knows?

Another one for another job was posted and I was screened in (which means I'm eligible to compete) and there has been nothing more on it since.

An assignment I've applied in December seems to be moving along more quickly... but another stall. We were supposed to find out last Friday and there has been a delay. I hoped to hear today... now I'm hopeful to find out tomorrow.

Hmm, just what is going on here? What is all of this a metaphor for in my life? Because as I know (and if you read my blog often you know) it is a holographic universe and things happen in it for a reason, always an invitation for me to discover something more.

Life is good... I'm off to a school meeting... there is always more.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today was the first day of considering I was worth more.

One year ago today was the first day of considering I had potential.

One year ago today was the first day of realizing I didn’t have to settle for less.

One year ago today I began my journey. My journey to remembering my authentic self.

I am going to write now what I wrote about in my journal 1 year ago today.

~~~

06/01/30 – The beginning

Vulnerability – throat closing up

Moving through the chakra’s made me feel aware of the location of each. I felt tingling in my sixth chakra. I feel that this process is really going to aid me in my journey to becoming. The feather moving through my spine opened it up further. I need to take the time to really feel where things are at in my being as they happen. That will provide me with indicators on what and how I work on and react to situations.

Be aware of…

• My tone of voice with Jessica – Remember how tone affects how someone feels as much as hurtful words would
• My fear of sounding stupid – This is a behaviour I was taught. Don’t be afraid to share my feelings with Mike. He loves me and will not react to me as I expect.
• I have my own definition of self – I am not the person defined by my father’s words and actions. I am not a pig as my sister made me believe. I can redefine me.

My imposed definition of self is based on what was bored into my being. Imposed upon me by early life experiences.

Feeling un-worthy my dad made me feel that way by actions and words. Actions like not being worth him spending money on. Him always making sure he had and us not having.

Feeling stupid I don’t know if I was ever called stupid but certainly when I shared a thought or idea those were deemed stupid, therefore I feel stupid for saying them. This may lead into my thinking that my ideas I have now are stupid and my perception that others see me as less than themselves.

Fat pig; this one I never even realized until today. I go this one in actions and “concern” from my parents and in words while suffering physical blows form my sister. I heard it from my peers on the school yard, from strangers in the mall, from boys I had a crush on. I never realized how much I used this to define me until I started writing earlier in the day. Maybe this is why I’ve always failed at changing that… because deep down that who I hold myself to be.

My new definition of self will be amazing. We will see just how much will be in that definition and how much more that I haven’t known that I don’t know.

Define myself. Get rid of what is not serving me to become what I need to be. Be worthy, am worthy. Know that I am not who I’ve held myself to be. I am so much more than that. In order to be a true leader I need to define myself as one. I am in charge of my own future; I am strong enough and courageous enough to achieve it!

~~~
One year later I can see how far I have come. I no longer hold any of those things true for me anymore. I know as I read the words that at the time I wrote them they were “lofty expectations”; yet living it and engaging in it over the past year has really been easy for me.

I am fully engaged. I know that we are all brilliant beyond our imaginations. I know that by tapping into it and trusting that I am the one who creates and shapes my future it can be effortless.

We are culturally conditioned to “know our place” in the world and it often isn’t where we know we can make a huge impact.

There is such a fear of the unknown. There is such a fear of what will others think? There is such fear of failure. Why keep yourself in the box?

What are you passionate about? Why don’t you actually engage in creating something meaningful to you that incorporates that passion?

If not me, then who?

Lot’s has happened with in the last year, and my future is abundant.

Let’s see where I am a year from now; I’ll be looking back and reflection saying… and there is always more…

Life is good.

All around me...

I create my last post and publish it then check out others blogs to see what is going on...

Louise's Blog entry today "Women Awakening: How Can We Tell?" was (on my holodeck) speaking directly to me... speaking to me of my need for others to believe in me... and why should I allow that to be a concern... I am the only one that matters, if I believe in myself that is all I need.

And then I flip over to Anne's Blog entry of today "My Beautiful Chaos", holy crap, the words she wrote... we completely in my voice, words I had not even noticed were mine "when I feel someone doesn't believe in me 100%, I can see now that it is because I don't believe in myself 100%" Bang. This is it.

So now I have to consider, how was my not believing 100% in myself serving me? It no longer is and I guess that is all that really matters. Knowing that it is not serving me well and choosing to live it differently.

Man this was a fantastic day of growth for me. And I am thankful for the invitations that are around me from Louise's words and from Anne's.

Tomorrow is a new day... have I said it before? Life is good... and there is always more.

Energy flows where intention goes...

I'm almost done reading "Molecules of Emotions" by Dr. Candace Pert. I began reading it in the fall of 2006 and I (having nothing more than Grade 10 science under my belt) struggled with the terminology and jargon.

I stopped reading it for a while and read Dr. Bruce Lipton's "Biology of Belief" and viewed his video "Nature, Nurture and the Power of Love" many times over the Christmas holidays. After reading and watching Lipton's work I had a better understanding of Cells, Proteins, DNA, Ligands, and Receptors... I felt drawn to pick up Molecules of Emotions again.

Although I have to admit while I struggled reading the first 3/4 of the book, I am thoroughly engaged in the final chapters.

The first 3/4 of the book is very science based reading, about Pert's history and discoveries, milestones and successes in the scientific community and to the untrained reader (like me) it was difficult to get through. Pert researched in different area of science then Lipton did, so I was unfamiliar with alot of the details.

Although when she spoke of her personal analogies, I was right there with her. Outraged at the "Old Boys School" she had to overcome, saddened by the sickness of her father and filled with hope and love with her drive to try to find a cure before it was to late, joyous with the major discoveries and successes she faced and found along the way. And then the science would come back in and I'd begin struggling again.

These final chapters... they begin to tie it all together for me... I can see why this book is so important for me to read. As I read about Pert's discovery with the BodyMind notions of healing, being and living, I am reminded of a phrase I've heard Louise say in the past "Energy Flows where Intention Goes" and it makes sense to me.

I can see just how easily things can happen if you just set your intention and keep it in your consciousness... I know... I have been living this over the past year.

In setting my intention and engaging as my authentic self, I am more aware of the invitations that are around me and life has been just falling into place... effortlessly.

I am excited to finish reading Dr. Pert's book and to find out how this chapter ends for her... and in doing so leaving myself open to any new insights or invitations to consider how I am living my life.

Yes indeed... life is good.

Tuesday is my 1 year anniversary of the beginning of my journey home to self... I intend on writing a reflection of the roller coaster ride that has been this past year... full of excitement in discovering my new way of being... continuously growing, unfolding into more...

Support you 100% Yes... Believe in you 100%... mabey 80%

Why is it so important to have the support and acceptance of your loved ones?

Why don't we unconditionally give it to those who we love?

Why is it so important to have that person in your corner no matter what?

Why is it so devastating to find out they also don't believe in you 100%?

My spouse has shown he supports me in whatever I am doing... and I just found out he doesn't 100% believe in me.

As I'm expressing to him my frustration and sadness over my mother not supporting me and criticizing me in what I am trying to do in my world, in my community, in my life, he listens with a sympathetic ear.

When I express to him my insight that it isn't about my mother it is about a fear I have that what if she is right and I fail. He says "I understand, when you are done with it (meaning what I have created) you are afraid to see she is right".

What? What did you just say? I ask him and he says, "You aren't going to change peoples lives"... and I say "I already have".

"Well don't be surprised if you don't change any more" he says.

And here I am... waves of emotions from my past coming up to say "see... he's right you know, you were taught that as a child... you aren't good enough, your mother knows it, and in some way Mike must believe it too".

And my 11 year old just came into the room and I automatically tried to push her away, she is concerned with what is upsetting me... so she put her arms around me and I breathed. I let her know the feelings I was experiencing and told her much of it is from my past. I made sure I was clear that if I ever made her feel like she couldn't do something I was so sorry.

This wave will pass. I won't be surprised if "anger" comes to me.

Anger at how we as a society tell our children "no, you can't do that"... "this isn't the way a good girl behaves"... "that is stupid, why would you say that"... "be quite unless you are spoken too"... "think before you speak"... "think before you act"... etc, etc. Anger because as we are told this time and time again through our formative years this finds a home in our bodies and can effect the way we engage as adults, still seeking approval at the age of 31.

There is always more... and I know that after today this won't hold me down the same way any longer.

The clairty came quickly now. In reading what I have written. I know I have made a difference in some women's lives already and I know that I will make a difference in many others that I meet. I believe in myself. I know I am fully capable, we all are, if we just dare to let ourselves.

And perhaps this is why our world is in the state it is... not enough people believe that they can make an impact on their world... that they truely can shape the world they live in... one at a time... ripple to wave...

Life is good... every day I discover something more...

A Dream... by Jessica Wickens

I’ll live this life,
Complete this dream,
Then start a new life,
And achieve the new dream.

By my daughter Jessica Age 11

Global Community

Every day I check my clustermap on my blog to see just where in the world people are reading from.

My first blip outside of North America was from the Rio De Janeiro area of Brazil. How exciting I think to myself.

As days go by more and more dots appear on the map. Starting in Canada, to the United States, to Brazil, to Germany, to France, to Indonesia, to Norway (or Finland), to China, to England; all little blips representing at least on person reading my words in each of these countries.

Wow, I think to myself, that is pretty huge.

And then today rolls along... today I realized I was not believing in my self, not trusting in my own god force.

Today one of those blips in the world grew. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. And I stopped and took a breath... was this right? Surely there is an error.

You see although I felt good about seeing all these readers pop up in the world, deep down inside of me I heard my parents telling me not to get too big for my britches. So deep inside I chalked all of this map activity up to people just randomly browsing... not really reading my words.

This growth in Brazil tells me different. This tells me that there really are people out there reading my words, perhaps of like mind, perhaps knowing there is more to our lives then we are let to believe.

And it still amazes me how deeply the words of our family, church, school, daycare providers whoever, stick with us well into adulthood. Rearing it's ugly head up at the most in opportune times. Until we wake up to the brilliance we know is us... the real authentic us... and we can begin to shed those imposed belief, values and attitudes, those imposed definitions of self and pause... take a breath... and become curious... is there more? Am I more?

The answer is deep inside of us, we know it is yes... we are so much more than we will ever dream of believing...

Life is good... life is grand... this weekend is going to hold alot of movement... Emerging Futures... in an instant... Much, much more coming on this over the weekend... keep reading.

Calling All Women... so to speak

Today I was scheduled to have lunch with a dear friend of mine and I put out an e-mail to another 3 women, subject line "Calling all McKelvies Sluts" as some of them have dubbed themselves for eating there too often.

All of the women decided to come out today to lunch. And what deep conversations emerged from out table today. There were many invitations for me to consider different aspects of my life. Some conversations I would have found too horrific to even listen to before now. Yet I was able to listen and see the energy in everyone/thing the women around me were speaking of.

When I started my journey this past year of reclaiming my voice and finding my authentic self, I would listen to those who were guiding / facilitating a program I was going through. I can remember one time (and I'm not sure who it was with) I was presented with the notion to call up the most "horrific" or "disgusting" thing we could fathom. Then to imagine working with a client who revealed that they partook in whatever it was you found "horrific"… would you still be able to see their brilliance?

I didn't think I would have ever been able to, not at the time the question was posed. After today's lunch I feel inside I could very well engage with someone if they came up on my holodeck in a coaching experience. I feel inside I would still be able to see their brilliance, although they may not even know it exists.

One of the women at the table commented on the energy at our table, she said she could stay here for hours on end and just continue this conversation in this energy. I leaned over an whispered to her, this is what my coffees are like, you are welcome anytime.

The power of choice is amazing...

Man, Life is Good!!!

Invitations are Everywhere

Seeing as the information from last nights incident is still processing through me and seeing as I know that everything that happens in my life is an invitation for me to learn something about myself, I keep going back and reading about the emotions I was going through during last nights incident.

I know I have evolved as a parent this past year, being more conscious of how I engage with my daughters, I am also aware that I will continue to evolve as a parent until I no longer have to "parent" my adult children.

I am very aware of a huge invitation for me as I once again reread my entry "The Lioness Emerges". The very last statement I made: "My tears are flowing now as I think the thing that is resonating the most is how we doubt our children's truth... yet it is often the most clear out of all the "truths" out there."

And now I reflect on just how many times I doubt my daughters truth, that I question her word, or say "I don't think that's the whole story".

And I am going to be more conscious of just how I engage in conversations with her now. So she will know that I will take her for her word and support her in her actions.

My Personal Invitation

So as I re-read my blog entry from last night and notice the part that still holds resonance in my body; it is not the part about the officer asking Jessica her story over and over again, giving her the opportunity to change it.

The part that is striking me is that I sat there "biting my tongue" while allowing this "authority figure" to sit in my house at my kitchen table and engage in this dance with my 11 yr old.

Very interesting. I will definately have to sit with this insight for a bit.

It's never about what you think its about. And there is always more...

The Lioness Emerges

What a challenge and invitation this evening was for both myself and my 11 yr old daughter. The primal instinct of wanting to protect my young arose, the lioness emerged, the fire was claimed.

Tonight I was at my mother house for supper. My eldest daughter was playing outside with her friends playing around as 11 and 12 yr old do. My daughter's friend came running to my mothers house out of breath from running over, told me the "crazy" guy across the street was in Jessica's face yelling at her and making her cry. I asked where she was, he said on her way over here (to my mom's) with her 2 girlfriends who were also crying.

The 3 girls arrived and by the state of them I asked them all to come in so I could find out what was going on. The 4 of them told their story of being seen with the "wrong" group of kids and because Jessica was known by this "man" she received his wrath.

Now I can understand being upset and frustrated with vandalism, our own vehicle got broken into 3 weeks ago. Even if our daughter did it (which eyewitnesses say she did not) he has no right to get up in an 11 year old girls face, while she was by herself, and intimidate and threaten her. She had even told the "man" who they felt was responsible. She tried to walk away and saw her girlfriend and called them over to her where this "man" proceeded to yell at all 3 girls.

So I have 3 girls crying in my mothers living room and a boy who is feeling very protective and angry. These kids have not gotten into any trouble before, I for one can vouch for my daughter who often is teased by her peers because of our rules on curfew, phone calls, and not being allowed to go outside after dark, she has also recently won recognition from her school as student of the month for being a "role model" for her peers.

This girl is one who gets worried about her friends / extended family members doing something they shouldn't be an telling me about it (i.e. my mother smoking cigarettes last summer).

So I called Mike and told him about this. I told him the possibility of the police coming (which we were all happy to speak to about the incident, including Jessica). Mike was furious that this "man" got in his daughters face, and I asked that he not say anything until I got home to discuss it.

No such luck. Mike pulled into our driveway and in the mirror saw the 2 "men" coming over to confront him. So Mike took his time and took a few long deep breaths to stabilize himself. Opened the door and the "men" started right away. Mike said "I will talk first" the kept jabbering. He again repeated "I will talk first and if not I am going in my house". They stopped and Mike said "I don't care what happened right now, unless you caught my daughter in the act itself you have NO RIGHT what so ever to confront an 11 year old girl with out her parent there. You can certainly call the police, or wait until me or my wife got home but you are to NEVER approach my daughter again." God I wish I was there.

After we were done eating (at mom's) we came home and engaged in a conversation with Jessica as a family. Eventually the police pulled up at the neighbours house. Mike was outside having a cigarette and the police politely (seeing someone standing around) asked how it was going. Mike said fine until I found out this man confronted my 11 yr old child when she was by herself.

The police engaged with the neighbors then one came over to speak with us. Mike expressed his concerns about the confrontation with Jess, I expressed my concerns over having 3 girls crying in my mothers house. Then we both shut up and allowed Jessica to speak.

Beautiful brave Jessica. Speaking so eloquently from her truth. Bravely standing there engaging in such honest dialogue with this "officer" who kept trying to make her change her story. I sat there, biting my tongue as he kept saying, "that's great Jessica, now I really want you to tell me the truth" over and over again. Saying I'm going to be asking other people you know, are you sure you don't want to add anything. And I felt like screaming at him. How are you guys (the "good" guys) building any sort of rapport when you won't take an 11 year old's statement (5 times over) as fact for her truth. No wonder we become cynical so easily.

My tears are flowing now as I think the thing that is resonating the most is how we doubt our children's truth... yet it is often the most clear out of all the "truths" out there.

Collective Breath

As an individual I have come to discover the importance of breath.

A calming breath. A life sustaining breath. An expanding breath. An inviting breath.

In a breath one can claim back their selves, in a breath information can easily flow, in a breath one can claim back the power they gave away, in a breath your god force can find it's way home.

In a group collective breath takes on a life of it's own.

During my coffee event yesterday the energy in the room was think. The women who showed up were fully present. The conversations in the room were deep and meaningful. Each conversation was somehow relevant. It is a holographic universe, it was relevant to those who felt compelled to show up.

We were all connected in the room. There was one point, one beautiful point that the room moved as each woman breathed as one.

Powerful does not seem to be an expressive enough word to describe the power of that breath... it was extreme, it was amazing... the beauty of collective breath.

Life is indeed good and there is always more...

Invitations All Around Us

Staying Connected. Engaging. Creating. Inviting. Manifesting. Breath. Space. Movement. Flow.

All words that came up for me at some point during today's Coffee, Conversations & Catalysts.

Today's coffee was for me the most intense one yet... and why was it? It was interesting for me to notice as the day approached I realized Celine and Cathy had not yet responded to my invitation.

When I inquired about this, Celine mentioned she may have a prior commitment. I e-mailed Cathy and she said she had a broken arm and was clear that she needed to pay attention to her self.

Oh my, that sent some butterflies to my stomach. My intial feeling was one of fear, then that waved moved completely up. And I became very excited. See although I created and hosted Coffee, Conversations & Catalysts, I very much sat back and allowed Cathy & Celine to take the lead and run the show.

And now the invitation for me to facilitate today's event was exciting and comfortable at the same time. My body knew I was ready to be me and facilitate a fantastic event... (not that I'm bias or anything).

As today came closer I got all of my "details" taken care of. I even printed off my workshop poster to have available although I wasn't sure why.

I arrived today and had the chance to set up before it started. I had just finished the last details when the first people arrived.

Beautiful Leona with her guitar in tow. She was going to decloak to us by way of her spoken word, songs, poetry... invitations.

The time flew by as it often does, yet I feel it was complete, nothing left undone.

Carole brought a quote with her which she read to us. It sent waves of emotion through me.

The conversations that were happening in the room around me all held resonance for me... after all it is a holographic universe right?

And it was done.

On our way out to our cars there is a little shop, a wellness centre. I put down my stuff and went in. It was a small store with essential oils, cards, pendants, reading rooms, etc. As I stood outside the store after I noticed a table that had all kinds of posters, brochures, business cards, etc. I went inside and asked the owner if I could leave my workshop information for her to put out. She agreed. Holographic Universe after all. I brought these posters for a reason. This was it.

So today, the invitations I received were for me to acknowledge and cast away my fears (doubt, incompetence) and trust in myself. Be loyal to myself first and foremost, to wake up each day and acknowledge the god force I know I am. Creating, engaging & staying with it (TRUST).

I'm manifesting big things this year, I am intelligent enough to know what I can and what I can't handle.

Life is good and there is so, SO much more...

3rd Coffee, Conversations and Catalysts

This is a reminder for this Sunday's Coffee, Conversations and Catalysts

When: Sunday, January 21st, 2007 at 2 p.m.
Where: Alderney Gate Library in Dartmouth
2nd Floor Helen Creighton Room
Cost: $3.50 fee to cover costs (any profit will be donated)

I believe there is a possibility of a poetry reading at this Sunday's event, along with great conversations.

From the Mouth of Babes

My 11 year old daughter is almost completed a book report for her grade 6 class. The book she is reporting is called I Hadn't Meant to Tell You This by Jacqueline Woodson.

This book is about racism, abuse and loss. I think these are really great novel for my daughter to be learning about... but something bothers me about her having to report on it. See her book report criteria states she must present a written and oral report of her book. The subjects this book tackles are not easy to talk about in front of peers by an 11 yr old.

My Daughters report deals mostly with the racism aspect of it and how the two girls quickly over come the perceived barrier of the colour of their skin. However the "N" word is used in this book and shows up at the beginning of my daughters report. I understand it is to give context to the meaningful transition to this incredible friendship that is formed between the two main characters, but my hackles are up.

If my daughter is to present this orally to her class, will this cause waves?

Will the students in her class start using that word more than they may already because she was allowed to in her presentation?

Will the students who come from a diverse background be offended or hurt by the use of the word?

Will the students be shocked by the use of the word in class and mention it to their parents out of context?

Most of all will my daughter receive a backlash because of all of these above possibilities?

My primal instinct has kicked in here tonight... wanting to protect my cubs (so to speak). I've written the teacher to express my concerns. My daughter has written a brilliant report and put a lot of hard work into it, but there is still that question... is there maybe some other way to do this? I hope the teacher and my daughter can brainstorm a solution, I am behind her in ultimately what ever she decides.

Maybe there is just some other way to put the first half of her report, one that will still put across the ugliness that is racism... who knows.

This is me tonight... wanting to protect and defend... and making up all kinds of reactions in my head... my concerns may all be for nothing, yet my body is telling me I can't let my concerns go unheard.

Signals/Avatars, Mortality/Immortality

I’m having lots of thoughts this morning about signal # 1 and avatars. These thoughts are coming out in my e-mails to others, and were initially brought up by Louise’s blog entry Addiction and Surrender.

An e-mail conversation with a friend brought up the notions of mortality and immortality into my awareness.

I believe that the god force that we are, our signal # 1, our Spirit, our Energy, our Soul, whatever you might call it, is immortal.

You can see this in different areas of our culture that speak of the afterlife, reincarnation, angels, spirits, and ghosts. It is a common belief in most cultures that when a person dies, their spirit goes else where. Something leaves the body, to do what varies from culture to culture, religion to religion, country to country.

What is interesting to me is that so many of us are taught that this thing (spirit, energy, soul, signal) is separate from us… that is something bestowed upon us by some higher power. That “it” is not us.

This general consensus allows for the victim mentality to come in. This consensus allows for blame to come in. This consensus allows for feelings of helplessness, feelings of loss of control and being at the mercy of “something else”.

What we need to recognize is that our signal, energy, spirit or soul IS us. I am not my body, I am not a victim to circumstances, I am not a victim of my DNA.

I am not a victim of anything, being a victim implies it is someone else who is in control; that is not who I choose to be in my world anymore.

I for years I allowed my culturally conditioned self to believe that I was existing, waiting for the divine plan to be revealed to me so I could have some feeling of worth and meaning to my life. I allowed myself to believe that whatever happens to me, happened for a reason, who am I to question it.

This no longer serves me. I have taken full responsibility and ownership for my life. I know that this body (is like an avatar) is mortal, but who I AM (signal, spirit, energy, soul) is immortal.

I am this force, which does not rely on others to tell me how to live my life. I am this force, which will shape my future. I have the power of choice and I choose in every instant.

I choose therefore I am in control of my SELF. By being aware of my authentic self and living my life as I feel I need to, I can create, I can be present, I can engage in life; a life I find meaningful to me.

This is what this morning brought to me… and there is always more.

Whispers are still Prevalent

I sat down tonight at my computer to start to write an article about single mothers who are on welfare base on my experience of being one.

I have written 1000 words already and I haven't even got to the point of my being a single mother. Obviously my Whispers from Within weren't done whispering. I should have known this.

I have been neglecting the book I am writing about "The Myth of the Intact Family" (my story) and foolishly thought I could dive into writing an article about a topic that hold so much meaning to me.

The 1000 words I have written tonight have everything to do with my book and I need to finish writing these words before I can move into my article.

The whispers are still prevalent and I am not surprised.

The words that are writing themselves on the screen are exactly what need to be written.

These words will allow for me to gain more clarity on my experience. I know by moving through this will allow for my article to be a more powerful invitation for others consider the potential that is out there.

And there is always more...

Dead Horses

I began my day today very agitated, I felt rushed, I felt angry, I felt frustrated, and I was blaming someone else for all of these feelings. On the ferry I began to journal, to write about this and I come to realize I am dragging around a dead horse.

When it comes to being a daughter I still hold certain perceptions of what the “mother/daughter” relationship should be. I hold my mother responsible for some aspects of my life that I would never do to someone else. So when I take away the title of “mom” for just a moment, the anger, frustration and agitation I carried in my body fell away.

I would never dream of relying on say “Jane Doe” to make sure my life runs smoothly. To ensure I get to work on time. So how dare I lay this hang up on my “mom”?

So this whole “mother/daughter” dynamic is a two way street. Who Knew? (Leona maybe)

Sometimes the Mother end of the continuum needs to let go and sometimes the Daughter end of the continuum needs to let go… or perhaps we can just co-exist as human Beings.

Yes, I like number 3 the best. Why not be rid of this dead horse “Parent” once and for all. After all I am 31 years old; I no longer need to be “Mothered”. Just as I am sure my xx year old Mother would be happy to be rid of some of the weight of the dead horse “Child” (who wants a 31 yr old child anyway).

Creativity in Flow

I've been having a fantastic time lately creating with crayons and pastels. I've had so much fun doing this with my kids and encouraging "out of the box" types of art.

For example, my daughter had a friend over to sleep on Saturday night. The two of them were sitting at the table after 10 p.m. doing some pencil games (I assume they are like M.A.S.H. and games like that).

My two year old was complaining of a tummy ache and I had just sat with her for a while until it dissipated. When I came out of the bedroom I wanted to make something. So I took out the pastels and let my hand do whatever felt right.

Well Jessica & her friend decided to draw too. So I encouraged them to draw each other while they were blindfolded. You should see the picture Jessica did; it was truly Picasso-esk. They stayed up for another hour creating mixing colours with their fingers, smudging, and laughing.

We have recently started a wall in our dining area devoted to displaying our creations.

Whether I'm creating with the kids or feel moved to do something on my own when they are all tucked in bed, I am amazed with how it all looks in the morning.

I see metaphors for how my day went or for things that I have been thinking about.

I see how much perceptions and filters come into play when none of us really see the same thing as the other.

I see how we all do this with everything in life. I might perceive an incident or event one way and guaranteed the 5 other people all perceive it differently from the rest.

This is where respecting and listening to others and recognizing their authentic self/voice is so important. If we don't share the same perspective or view on an issue, it's not wrong, it's just different. If we were all to remember this as we go on through our day to day business, there would certainly be less grief/stress in our lives.

Funny how my original intention to write about creativity stemmed into the work environment... and why shouldn't it? It's all the same... Life.

And there is always more.

Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting - Exploring our Potential

This new 3 day workshop is being offered to parents or parents-to-be to consider a different way of living and nurturing their children’s brilliance and individual expression.

Through these three ½ day sessions Lori will be inviting participants to discover a new perspective on parenting. Inviting them to find their authentic self and to consider how they can co-create meaningful family relationships with their children. It is an invitation for participants to recognize their programmed behaviours (unconscious parenting) and to become more actively aware in the parenting behaviours (conscious parenting).

Time & Date: 8:30 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. Saturday, April 14th, April 21st & April 28th

Location: South Woodside Community Centre, Osbourne Street Entrance

Price: $30.00 for complete workshop, workshop manual, 1 CD from the Living WELness Series

Please Register by April 5th, 2007, a non-refundable $10 deposit is requested upon registration.

Your workshop guide is Lori Walton, certified WEL-Systems® Master Facilitator and Quantum TLC™ Facilitator.

To find out more please contact Lori Walton at (902) 461-9169 or e-mail mailto:loriwalton@eastlink.ca

Trust

On Friday a wonderful opportunity presented itself as an invitation to further my evolution and contribute to my intentions of working with women to help them awaken to the possibilities of their potential, future and hope.

I was elated on Friday, I shared with a few close friends/coworkers who were so very happy and supportive of this opportunity for me; who saw the big picture and the implications of just what I have to offer the world (who else).

And then I go to my mothers who I tell my wonderful news to... who just says "oh? that's nice".

I express to her my joy, my excitement, and how much of a huge deal this is to me and she comes back with a "well you have so much on the go right now".

Hmm, took me down a few notches. I resolved not to let her words take away from my success... yet they found a home with in my body.

Is shared with my spouse the opportunity that presented itself to me, he expressed his pride and shared in my joy then asked "is it going to cost us?"

I said no, yet then the comment combined with my mothers comment and cast doubt.

So yesterday I am at a party for my 2 yr old nephew and I'm talking with a friend of my sisters who is asking what I have been up to. I began telling her some of the things I have been doing over the past year and she said my sister told her about alot of them. I told her about my upcoming program "Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting" and told her about this new opportunity I will be taking on. She was very happy for me.

This is when I noticed the doubt that I allowed into my body.

So I began to struggle within myself.

I know what I know. I know that the person who offered the opportunity is someone who is truly supportive of me. I know that I have so much to offer and I have found my passion and joy again, and I can speak from that to people who need to hear it. I know I am resourceful. I know I am brilliant. I know I am ultimately the one who will make or break any endeavor I take on. All things I know we all are.

I know that doubt has served me in the past. I grew up "knowing" that I'm nothing special. I grew up "knowing" that when an opportunity comes there is always a price to pay. I grew up "knowing" that it's too good to be true. I grew up "knowing" that I should never be too big for my britches. I grew up "knowing" that I shouldn't start anything I wouldn't be able to finish (and knowing that I never started anything for fear of them being right).

And I allowed the culturally conditioned me (the person I was for 30 yrs) to begin to run it's program of doubt. I worked very hard this past year to not let that rule who I am. And now that I am awake and aware, I didn't allow that filter to continue to take a hold of me and I asked for clarification on this opportunity.

And all it was a filter, perception. My opportunity is a fantastic one that holds so much for so many others. I am proud of what I have done and proud and excited of what I will be doing.

I am aware now that I need to work on the whole trust issue. Trust in myself. Trust in believing my self. Trust that I will not be too big for my britches. Trust that I AM somebody special (we all are). Trust that I finish everything I start that holds meaning for me.

And consider that the price that there is always to pay, isn't always monetary. The price I am going to pay for this is my label of "Doubt".

Trust... not trust in others... as trust in others isn't important as trust in my self is all I will need.

And I know tomorrow will bring an opportunity for me to grow again and become more that I am today. Life is good... and there is always more.

Running into an old Friend...

Today at work was pretty uneventful work wise. This afternoon on my way to a meeting I saw an old friend who has been off on extended sick leave.

When I first started at my department back in 1991 I met this warm, vibrant, caring, spectacular individual who would do anything she could to help others. She was active with collecting assistance for the local women's shelters, she was active in collecting food for the hungry, I remember when we were out on strike, I was a single mother at the time, she gifted me with her strike pay so I wouldn't be put out as much.

This woman is kind, loving, compassionate and humble. She inspired me to want to do more and be more although I still didn't fully grasp to what extent I could.

If it was someones birthday this wonderful woman would make sure there was a birthday cake (which she bought with her own money) and arrange for all the co-workers to come and sing to the birthday person.

If it was a holiday she would come in early and leave a little gift on your desk, whether it was a chocolate egg or a chocolate heart. If she knew you had young children she would always buy them something special for Christmas.

Soon after I started getting to know her, I come to find out she is sick, and as the days go on she became more and more sick.

4 years ago this woman, was so riddled with sickness that she weighed just under 100 lbs, she couldn't eat, she was sallow, she was weak, and tired. I remember going to the hospital to visit her with my eldest daughter and leaving there wondering if I would see her again.

3 years ago for Christmas she gave my daughter an angel for our tree. Jessica hangs it every year and thinks of her as her angel Olive.

And today, I see her beautiful face again, I hear her joyous laughter through the office, she looks so good, she looks healthy, she is radiant.

Although I was running off to a meeting I got to hug her, tell her I loved her, and express to her my joy in seeing her again.

This woman, beautiful, strong, majestic really... vibrant, living life... once again.

My heart is filled with love, my eyes are filled with tears and my being is filled with happiness in just this brief encounter running into an old friend.

Being Grounded (in the good way)

Today I had my first real experience "being" coach. In my past coaching experiences I thought I was "being coach" and today I realized I was not.

Before my coaching session today I took some time to write in my journal. I noticed that I didn't bring my ITS book with me (with all the models). I always brought that with me to my coaching sessions and not bringing it to my session today made me become curious.

I wrote about that... wondering why I didn't bring it with me, musing that perhaps this time I "know" I am resourceful enough and don't necessarily need it any more. I was excited to see just how my coaching session was going to unfold.

And as I mentioned today was the first day I was "Being Coach" (refer to Gwen McCauley's Article "On Being Coach")

At the beginning of our session we both did the White Feather to become grounded in our bodies and in doing so my experience was so much more.

I know that my being fully present and grounded just added to both our experience during the coaching session, and my client (co-worker, friend) was really happy with the things we touched on, discovered and moved through.

Being grounded certainly makes all the difference. Creating the space for yourself to be aware of what is moving through you, and pay attention to what comes up. It was my experience today that the things that were coming up for me where the things that my coaching client needed to hear.

What a fantastic feeling! And so simple... stay grounded.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring... life is good... and there is always more!

Creating Space

On the ferry ride home today I was writing in my journal about my day at work. I was reflecting on how I spent the day tying up loose ends. I cleared my backlog, got caught up on all of my work, filed and organized my e-mails and orgainized my papers.

Then a thought occured to me... I'm creating space for whatever tomorrow is going to bring. It struck me that I am all caught up... I have a clean slate and I'm good to go.

And what I've come to discover is that when you create space; whether it is within your self or at your job; you are inviting new things to come in.

So I'm excited to see just what tomorrow may bring my way. What will I discover, what will I create, how will I engage... just who will I become tomorrow?

The "Have Nots"

I’m lying in bed thinking of my last blog entry I posted earlier tonight and my right hand is hot, dry and itching. I write with this hand… the itching is like a need to move. When I move my right hand I create words on this paper and the heat dissipates… the itching subsides (and maybe it is because I put hand cream on 15 mins ago).

So this need to create to explore some words from my last blog entry has propelled me from my bed and into the dark living room with my journal.

The words “have nots” are speaking loudly in my consciousness. These words are ones that I am all too familiar with from my past.

As a child I was a “have not” where money was rarely spent on the children’s wants, and when it was spent on me I was always left with the feeling of my father doing me a favour by buying me something, and that I put him out, and ultimately that I was not really worth it.

As a young teenager I felt I was a “have not” by not feeling loved and wanted by others (mostly boys).

As a student struggling to graduate high school, I was a “have not” as I scrapped to stay in school and live on student assistance.

The summer or 1994 I was a “have not” when I found myself homeless for a period of 2 months and had to live in a tent.

At the age of 19 I was a “have not” when I found myself having my first child and living on welfare.

I was a “have not” while leaving my boyfriend in Ontario and becoming a single mother in Nova Scotia.

As a single mother I chose to “have not” anything special for myself in order to provide more for my daughter.

As a single mother I chose to “have not” an ideal relationship with my daughter while I went back to college to get a better education and work full time, barely seeing my daughter awake for almost a year.

I chose to no longer “have not” and to create something different.

So as I write “have not” or use the term “have nots” I only refer to “have not the money to put themselves first” it is in no way a reflection of the Strength, Self Sacrifice and Hope that I experienced as a “Have Not”.

And the itching is totally gone now. Off to sleep I go.

A Success...

Was there ever any doubt?

I attended my School Advisory Council meeting tonight and we discussed my workshop Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting, the council was very excited about my program and very free with their expressions of personal support and excitement.

I am also called back to my original intention for this program and the inspiration for it. The original thoughts that entered my mind, the thoughts I was forgetting about as I began to get caught up in the details.

My inspiration for creating this space was seeing the need for the parents of my community to become involved. Recognizing my community is not a wealthy community and the majority of the community are part of the “have nots” because they cannot afford the extras such as self improvement workshops, classes and programs.

In remembering this original intention I know that I will be providing this, my first workshop for very little cost. I will be volunteering my time to ultimately target the audience that inspired me.

I attended the Community Centre meeting with the Principle after the SAC meeting for a brief moment to propose the support of the Community Centre by way of donating space for my workshop. The community centre agreed to support my workshop and have provided the space at no cost.

Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting – Exploring our Potential will be held beginning Saturday April 14th for 3 consecutive Saturday Mornings at the South Woodside Community Centre in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. For those parents who are curious for something more, who decide to wake up and engage in their OWN life. The lives they forgot about, discovering their authentic selves (remembering them) and waking up to their potential. In doing so they will be able engage differently with their kids and begin to create different family relationships.

As I’m creating this program I am also very aware that I want to work with women in particular not specifically (mother’s), this is a program I may create in the future.

Success… Set an intention; create the space for creativity to flow, trust in yourSELF and you will achieve your goal.

Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting - The Seed is planted

In December at the Women's Writing Retreat I was having a great conversation with two of the women after dinner one night. I had mentioned my participation on my School Advisory Council and how it would be good to do something to assist the children's home relationships.

Celine light up... she had created and done work with her school and community with the parents by way of a workshop.

I was intrigued... what kind of workshop, how did it work. We chatted about what she did and I left enthused with the idea of creating something for the women in my community.

Over the Christmas Holiday Celine helped me outline a program I can offer to my community I've called it "Discovering Authentic Self & Consciously Parenting". I am really excited to get this going. I have tentatively booked space and I am going to presenting a proposal tonight at the Community Center Meeting to see if they will donate space in their facility to decrease cost to target the single mothers or those who cannot normally afford such a workshop.

My intention for the workshop is as follows.
- To create the space and provide a different way of living and allowing your children's brilliance to shine through
- To invite participants to recognize their programmed behaviors (unconscious parenting) and to become more actively aware in their parenting behaviors (conscious parenting)

The workshop will be held in April 2007 on 3 consecutive Saturday Mornings.

If you are interested or know someone who is please have them contact me for more information.

Life goes on, there is always more... and I'm so happy to be living my life LARGE!!!

A Day in the Life - A Poem

A Day in the Life
By Lori Walton

Up and Out…
Beginning the day in the cold and the dark
Weary ones struggling to remain awake

Stretch and Yawn…
On the commute to work as the sun paints colors over the
Ocean in the east, reds, pinks, purples and orange

Awake and Engage…
With those at work, friends, coworkers, clients alike
Each one evokes a unique expression of your self

Invite and Allow…
Create the space for creativity to flow
Eventually the clock signals an end to the day

Lift up and Breathe
The mild January air, and release the troubles of the day
Lift up your face to welcome the suns rays

Smile and Enjoy…
A Peaceful solitary journey across the calm waters of the Harbour
Smelling the saltiness from the Ocean upon the warm wind

Open and Receive…
The love and hugs from your children
As you walk through the door after a days work

Provide and Nurture…
Your families needs as you put your work clothes away
Their need for you, conversation and love is ever present

Catch up and Connect…
With your Spouse, family and friends
At the end of a long, long day

Relax and Restore…
Your own self by the light of the moon
On a clear starry night, be still, receive, restore

Hope for Change

The word “HOPE” keeps creeping into my awareness today. I hope for a change of a worldview.

I hope that people soon begin to accept responsibility and take ownership of their lives, in doing so they will find the freedom of choice.

I hope that the people of our society will be able to take this ownership and finally be free of their burdens, their unhappiness, their fears, their feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

I hope that the destructive dances of blame, abuse, addictions, indifference and violence will finally be over and done with.

I hope that people can come to know that they can choose differently, they can create their own futures by simply owning it. Choose Differently. Live at the CAUSE side of the equation. Live large.

2007 will prove to be an amazing year. There is already a growing global awareness of a different way of living. As each of us becomes awake and aware of our own brilliance and learns to trust ourselves, our voices and our choices the shift will be quick and tremendous.

The word “HOPE” holds so much meaning, it is a nomilization and it means something different for each of us.

New Year, New Way of Living

What a fantastic 11 days off. I wrote (not as much as I thought I would), I created an outline for a workshop I'm creating, I spent some time expanding my thoughts and confirming my belives reading and watching material by Dr. Bruce Lipton, I shared some of that with people I love and care about, most importantly I played with my kids.

What joy that brought me these past 11 days. I built puzzles, I coloured, I played dolls, I cuddled, I sang, I danced, I cooked, I laughed, I cried, I talked, I shared, I bonded even deeper with my beautiful daughters.

My spouse and I had some really great conversations about our future together. Our gameplan if you with, yet at the same time knowing that it will shift, change and evolve as we do.

There was one conversation we had at the beginning of my vacation about a situation he had gotten himself into. As I asked him what he learned from that situation he quite literally told me he would have me double check anything he signs... What?

The old me would say Yes, dear you should make sure you let me know what you are getting into so I can keep you on track.

The new me said "I don't think so. I have no desire to continue that kind of relationship with you, you are responsible for yourself, as I am for myself. I am not your mother, I will not be continuing to run your life for you. I want our relationship to be a partnership where we can just be for eachother, not have to take responsiblity for eachother."

And in that instant, I know our relationship will never be the same again, and I'm excited about it.

Once we know something and have to courage to voice it, it is never the same again. Your body will not allow you to forget it. Funny that changing the direction or path you are on as a couple is so easily changed. Speaking with your absolute truth and conviction resonates... the other party senses your finality of it... and it is different.

The remainder of my vacation Mike & I had fantastic conversations about anything and everything that came up, jobs, programs, our children, and our future.

Life is good. And there is always more...