I’m sitting at the Halifax International Airport right now waiting for my flight to Ottawa. I’ve been on the go for a few weeks now, away from home and very busy when I am home or in the office. I am tired (probably because I was up late with my Finance Colleagues last week).
I was physically and emotionally exhausted when I woke up on Saturday. I had big plans to do something with my kids while I was home as I was only going to be home one and a half days before this trip. When I woke up Saturday morning (at 6:15 a.m. thank you Sara) I knew I was exhausted. As I started to do my laundry, clean the house, plan for my in-laws arrival the day after I return home from Ottawa, I began to notice my emotional exhaustion. This is not what I wanted for my day home with the girls. I wanted to spend some quality time not cleaning or worrying about getting the house in order for company.
Mike’s Mom called and I overheard her ask Jessica what we were going to have for Thanksgiving Dinner… crap, now I have to plan that too. I know this is not something I “need to” do, but my culturally conditioned self is one of a gracious hostess, my mother taught me well (thank you mom :o) ), and there is a little part of me that feels it would be HORRIBLE if I wasn’t the hostess with the mostest. Ah, Swiss Chalet here I come!
So I began to worry, cry, get angry, frustrated… none of it having to do with Thanksgiving, Cleaning or anything of the sort. ALL having to do with my decision to clean, worry, be miserable instead of DOING WHAT I WANTED TO!
I was so exhausted I couldn’t see my choice in any of this. Mike was the invitation I needed. He asked what I needed to do, I told him I really wanted to do something with the kids and he stated the obvious… “So go then I will take care of things”. DUH, how simple was that. It was a huge relief to my body, mind and spirit just to hear those words and to say yes to myself.
It’s funny when you are at that point of exhaustion within yourself that you start to forget how easy it can be just to choose and make deacons according to what is meaningful for you. How easy it is to fall into the old patterns of needing to have a clean house for company etc… forgetting previous conversations with my Mother and Father in-law that they don’t care what the house looks like, they just want to see us and the kids.
Knowing what I know, yet allowing myself to come to a point where it made sense to make things difficult and seem impossible. Slipping into the victim stance, feeling I had no control, yet in that moment realizing yes, I CAN choose to do or not do, to say or not say, as I feel it. Remembering, designing the type of world I live in takes my moving forward, constantly consciously choosing, creating situations and accepting opportunities that are meaningful to me.
Taking time to recharge myself, on my own terms, everyday, not just when I am almost drained.
When I arrive at the airport in Ottawa I will be greeted by a dear friend. Dinner with her I’m sure is going to awaken something more in me I have been unconscious to.
Look out Louise, here I come!!!
Tonight I will get some uninterrupted sleep. Tomorrow is another day, there is always more!
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Haha, Swiss Chalet for Thanksgiving. That's what i would do. I don't even know where to buy a Turkey, let alone cook it. Thank goodness for David & his cooking skills! He makes a wicked Turkey-turkey
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