Puddle Jumping

The rain came long and hard at the end of the days work. Perfect for puddle jumping.

Sara couldn't wait until we were done supper to don her rubber boots and rain coat and get out in the promised puddles that she wanted to walk in on our drive home.

I think of Jessica when she was Sara's age and the "rules" I had about that. Never letting her expereince the freedom of playing in the gift that nature brought.

I remember how much fun I had as a child when I could go out and splash around in a mid summer down pour.

How many rules do I still hold that might redirect one of my children from having an unforgettable memory?

Sometimes it is good to let your hair down and go laugh and play in the mud.

I think of my friend Danielle, whom I have always envied in her carefree nature. Going out mud sliding in the valley, allowing her son to express himself with his artwork and never redirecting him to draw rainbows and puppies instead of decapitate people. LOL

And when you let one of your "rules" go... you get to experience a magical gift. The joy, laughter and delight that your child revels in when doing something that connects them to the essence of who and what they are. You also get to laugh and feel the sheer joy that comes to you when you join them!

Letting your hair down. Why do you hold the "rules" you hold? Are they because they are what society expects of you? Because of what you were taught as a child? Or are they there because of your own fears or insecurities of your past? Do those "forbidden" joys really pose a danger? No? They let the puddles fly!

p.s. Who made up the rule "i" before "e" except after "c"? That doesn't always work.

Nurturing my Soul

The need to get back into writing again is strong within me.

The excuses I provide myself to "not" do it were strong too, but they are no longer serving me.

I have decided that I will write at least every 2nd day.

I feel the need because allowing my words to flow out of me has always nurtured my soul.

I wonder sometimes what I have been holding onto lately... that is keeping me stagnent in my life. Things are moving, I'm doing things, but not like I used to, and perhaps it is because I am not allowing my creativity and light to flow. Time to switch gears, time to let it go.

Being a single mom 24/7 has it's ups and downs, such as everything else in life. I am tired, I am craving quiet at times... and I love that I get to be told that I'm a "Rockstar" by my 4 yr old Sara and get to know my eldest more deeply.

Jessica and I are still working on our relationship. I have to learn to trust and release. I have to learn when to let go of the small stuff and listen to the small stuff. It is definately a work in progress, yet I know it will always be evolving. I think of my relationship with my mother that still is and will always be a fluid one. Because each moment there is something new to discover.

I have been holding onto my house that I have been trying to sell since October of last year. And I am getting very weary and tired of it. I have almost (ALMOST) given in and resigned myself to the thought that I would never be able to sell it. Luckily I realized that this week and need to have a little discussion with my house. Maybe some Ho'oponopono to help me let go, instead of searching and trying to list the reasons why I need so badly for it to be sold.

Yes indeed, it is time for me to nurture my soul. Let go. Release. Open. Invite. Live. Celebrate.

Welcome into my life, I am here with open arms.

Canada Post - The last Great Canadian Institute?

On Saturday, August 23rd (tomorrow), there is a "Save our Postal Service" rally in Halifax, Nova Scotia at the Grand Parade Square starting at noon.

The Canadian Government has begun a "Strategic Review" of your Post Office. This review will look at deregulating your Post Office. This can result in less service and higher prices to the public and small business, but better service and lower costs to big companies and large-volume mailers.

This is not the post office we want!

There will be no public hearings.

The public, the real owners of the Post Office, will not have their say.

They do not want your opinion.

Tell them anyway.

What you can do:

1. Come out to the Public Forum / Rally at the Grand Parade Square tomorrow.
2. Before September 2nd, 2008 write to the Review Panel chaired by Mr. Robert Campbell (e-mail info@cpcsr-esscp.gc.ca and cc your MP)
3. Write your MP today! Tell them you want deregulation off the table, demand public consultations on the future of Canada Post (http://www.upce.ca/en/pdf/Negotiations/stratReviewLetter_e.pdf)

If you are in anyway concerned about the future of Canada Post and in a way more importantly if you are outraged that the government is making these kinds of decisions behind closed doors, do something to stop them in their tracks!!!

I will be doing a short speech at tomorrows rally. If you are there because of what you have read here, come and say hi to me after the speeches.

I really believe in making a difference and taking a stand. Sometimes it is through personal discoveries, sometimes it is doing something like this talking about something I believe in.

One person, one voice... but it echos to many. Collective voices can THUNDER!

Tourists... laugh

Yesterday I was outside talking with a friend on the corner and this little old lady with a "name tag" walks by a few steps behind her another elderly lady appears and says "I think we're lost".

Then she sees my friend and I and approaches us. She is from the southern U.S. she says "Do y'all speak English?"

I'm thinking um, you are in Canada and debate saying to her, no, we speak Canadian but hey, I'm all about helping people out so I tell her "Yes, of course, can I help you with something?"

She says "Can y'all tell me where the tourist information building is?"

I say "No problem, it's down a block and over a block right on the boardwalk on the water"

She says "No it's not, I was told it was up this way"

I said, "Nope, it's just back there in behind the Museum"

She gets agitated and says "NO, they told us when we got off the bus that the building was a block up this way"

I take a breath and say "The bus drop off is right in front of the museum and the information place is right in behind it"

She pretty near cuts me off and starts to walk away saying "No, you don't know what you are talking about it's not on the water I know, you're wrong."

As she is stalking off (as much as little old ladies do) she sees her bus drive down the next street and she's waving at it like a mad woman... "that's our bus, they'll know"

I shake my head and think, man, if you don't want my help, don't ask... lol

What an experience.

I hope that when I go to another country to travel I at least have enough sense to a) read up on the place and b) take the advice of the locals.

Do y'all speak English? I do.

I speak some french too.

And some polish (just the bad words my father & uncles taught me).

Why don't the tourist companies let them know what to expect? Might help get rid of the stereotypes we all hold if we educate ourselves on other countries & cultures.

Do we really get it?

The other day I went to lunch with a colleague of mine and we go to talking about my past, of how I came to be, what I went through etc, etc.

So she got a really condensed version of the whole meal deal. She got the loneliness of an adolescent who wanted escape, she got the young woman who was homeless, the girl and woman who was on welfare, the single mother who left with her baby to leave for another province, the single mom who finally wanted a better life and scraped by to get into college (I'm still paying off the student loan)... everything.

As she was shocked and in awe over my story, not having expected me to come from a back ground like that. She said how strong I was, and look at me now you got your shit together. All those things and yes, this past of mine, has played a part in the woman I am today.

Today towards the end of the day, I hear her speaking on the phone. She is talking about someone she knows and being very judgemental about being on welfare, disability or whatever the case may be. And I tried to ignore the conversation and go about my business, but everything she was saying with a disgusted, better than thou, voice... was me. All of it.

I left work early today. I didn't want to listen to those words any longer as I allowed myself to think less of myself because of opinions like those for too long.

One day I education someone on something they may not have known about me, and they appear to be taken by my story. The next they forget I am right here, that all of those things I am/was, and they don't realize... that might have been the background history of the person they were talking to on the phone and they didn't even realize it.

It saddens me a great deal. Not so much for myself, but for the realization that although people can be made aware of things... they may choose not to make a connection. To consider that those of us who are not the same (different race, culture, class, gender, background, sex preference) are somehow inferior to you... less then the rest.

Wake up People!!!!

We all have our own personal "hells" in our lives which we have survived or will survive in our future. I hope to god that no one is sitting there looking down their nose at you when you are in the midst of it!

When I got home from the gym tonight I noticed my colleagues phone number on my phone. Perhaps she realized when she got home how much her words in her conversation to another had cut through me.

Do we really "get it"?

Will we ever "get it"?

Do you want to "get it"? That is what it boils down to. If you are happy with they way you live... in your words, judgements and actions... I guess there is nothing to "get".

Reflection or an Invitation

I believe that things happen in your life for a reason.

I believe that what comes into your awareness is in someway a reflection of yourself.

I couldn't comprehend how something that was distasteful or horrific could enter into my life and not in someway be a reflection of myself.

I stuggled with my beliefs because I knew deep down inside that although this was my new reality THIS WAS NOT ME!

I remembered that in each moment we have the choice.

I remembered that in every awareness is an opportunity for more.

I remembered that with each discovery or awareness of something in your life isn't always a reflection it is also an invitation.

I can choose to make that invitation anything I want.

I have this in my life. I have a new insight on this particular situation. I am who I always have been, and one day I can speak of my expereinces and be the invitation for others with whom my story resonates to know they are not alone. It was not them. Nor was it their actions or inactions that brought this experience into their lives.

And the healing can begin. As it is with me. This invitation is also here for me to choose to define my life and not be defined by it.

An invitation to the more that is. Choosing along the way.

Integration

Today was a day for integration. It seemed that my 3 differently themed blogs have combined... integrated.

I'm no longer feeling the need for seperation/compartmentalizing. I simply am me. All I've ever been, and the potential of my future me is very bright once again.

In speaking with a friend today I was explaining how I was having trouble making sense of the crisis event that happened in May. If everything happens to you for a reason (i.e. awareness or growth) and if I am aware of this "thing" in my life that it is somehow an aspect of me or of who I will be, how in the hell can something so unfathomable be in any way related to the person I am.

You see for the past few months I was only seeing this "crisis" as somehow a direct reflection of who I am. As my friend pointed out to me today I gives me the understanding and compassion and unique insight to help others cope who are in similar experiences.

Well OF COURSE... it resonated with me. I don't have to wear the baggage of this event, I can learn from myself and how I continue to move through this and transform that into something that is meaningful in my life.

So "crisis" is an invitation for me.

As well, tonight I had my appointment with a trainor at the gym. My whole healthy self blog is integrated today into who I am... Taking charge of my health. Focusing on my personal ideal and working towards manifesting that.

The trainor asked me tonight what my goal was. For me it isn't a magic number nor a specific size, it is all about how I wish to feel and to be able to have more energy to PLAY!

My "whole healthy self" is about my own personal leadership. Who I am, how I feel, what I say, what I do, it is all an invitation for me to take the reins and led my life instead of being lead by it.

I am a single mom. 24/7 full time. It is frustrating sometimes not having time to myself, time to think, time to decompress, time to breath... however I am (as my 4 yr old put it) a ROCKSTAR! lol, it is times like those, when my lively 4 yr old hugs me and says stuff like that or when my 13 yr old says she can finally understand how tiring it must be when I do it all, that make it more than worth it. See World of Singlemomdom blog.

A few weeks ago I took my kids (and a friends daughter) to Magic Mountain in Moncton, NB. What an amazing albeit short time we had there. On the way home we stopped at the Indian Handcraft Store outside of Truro, NS. I was looking at the wares and making a few purchases when my 13 yr old told me I should buy a certain necklace for myself. It is a polished green circle stone with a metal bear claw symbol ontop of it.

I looked at this necklace and thought of how protective and fierce a mother bear can be and I bought it.

A few nights later I was wearing it and Jessica asked if people at work commented on the necklace. I said they did, she then told me that the reason she thought it was fitting was because a mother bear is a very good mother and loves her cubs and is very protective of them, sometimes over protective.

I told her I thought that was very fitting and I had indeed thought of the same thing. Out of the mouth of babes eh? (If you can call 13 a baby).

So this is where it's at. This is all of me. The woman, the mother, strong, soft, loving, fierce all rolled into this package. The one who stuggled with the challenge of once again becoming a single mother. The one who struggled with body image and self esteem... this is the one stop shop.

Welcome back to you all... and thank you for your welcome back to me!

Forgotten but not Gone

Here I write in my long neglected domain. What a crazy life I have been living lately.

In the midst of major family crisis I seem to be floundering on who I am. It is almost as if I lost my sense of self. The old me (the writer, the super mom, the me of a mere few months ago)… is not who I allow myself to be anymore. I have allowed doubt to enter back into my world.

And finally as I come up on the other side of the surface, I recognize that I allowed myself to be a victim to the circumstances. I allowed this crisis to define who I am and what I can do. I no longer own my business. I no longer life coach. I no longer give workshops. Oh don’t get me wrong here, I have the desire still inside of me yet I feel the doubt. Who am I to do this when I have such CRAP going on in my life? How can I stand up to be witnessed when I feel tainted by the acts and deeds of others who I chose at one point to be part of my life?

I feel an emptiness and sadness. I had resolved that my life would never be the same again. And now… here deep beneath the doubts is my soul, my spirit, my godforce, screaming and demanding to be recognized once again.

Last weekend I picked up a gift for a friend on my vacation with the kids. I don’t know why I picked it up, I did not plan on picking anything up for this friend, yet I did and I knew a trip to Oceanstone to search for myself was in my near future.

I went for coffee with Margot last week and I told her about my need and desire to do a day trip or an overnighter at Oceanstone. When we discussed my intention for going… waves of emotion began to arise. I need to reconnect with me… with who I know I am inside, unchanged, untainted, strong, beautiful, driven, open to life and connected.

So in the next week if you are there, you will find me by the ocean listening to the waves, wind and my spirit. Or under a tree on the moss laden ground listening to the song of my soul.

Life is good… I was just allowing myself to be blind to it.