Fear of Falling

This weekend I spent the night at my sister's house with my kids... she needed a babysitter on Sunday and I thought it would be fun to sleep over the night before.

On Sunday Morning, Mike calls to my sister's house. "The washing machine is still broken, can you do some wash while you are at Julie's?"

"Yes, I can."

"Can I talk to Jessica?"

"Yes you can."

Jessica gets on the phone and then gets a big smile on her face says OKAY and hangs up the phone.

Turns out Mike found an apartment on Saturday night... not only did he find a place but he took possession of it already. Man when I want something I'm going to get it. I was shocked... I was excited for him and for Jessica... but shocked all the same. So quick... was he ready? Was I ready?

Jessica returned back to my sisters house, excited about her newest home... telling me the stuff Mike bought for the home already, what it looks like, etc... I'm excited again.

And then my mind starts to think... where did he get the money... holy crap I'm right back into the mindset I was the last time we broke up... he is going to do something stupid with my money, etc. etc. I jump to conclusions and call to bitch at him... only to be a moment later realizing it was me who mis-managed last weeks budget.

Old habits... old reality. This is not how it's going to be this time around. I needed to allow myself to let go. Let go of the control I thought I should be able to maintain over him. That is what it boils down to really.

I have to remember, he is a grown man... he is not my man... he can make his own decisions, choices and have control over his life... I can let go of that, he will not fall (and if he does it's not my responsibility)

I was walking out the steps at my sister's tonight, in the middle of a snowstorm to go home to... I didn't know what I was coming home to. I slipped down the stairs and fell on my ass. My right side is hurting pretty bad. I wanted to cry, but it wasn't because of the pain of falling. It was more for the fear of what I don't know... what was I coming home to?

As I walked into a dark house... not too much is different, other than Mike isn't here. Then I walk into my bedroom... There is no trace of Mike in my room.

I know I'm excited and happy about my choice of being free to live my life by my design... but tonight there is a sadness, that I don't want to express until Jessica is in bed. The sadness is right below the surface. It is a close to something I have had in my life since I was 17 yrs old... that is 15 years... almost half of my life.

And it comes into my awareness as I speak with Sarah tonight on the phone... my fall at my sister... my fear of falling on my ass... this was an old fear... one that doesn't serve me this time around... but was creeping up to see how it felt.

Don't need it... I am fully capable and free to be.

Living my life by my design...

Falling? eh, won't be happening again.

Tomorrow is the first day of this new chapter of my life.