Somethings Got To Give

So after my week of feeling stretched to the limit pre-Huna; I once again find myself tense and short tempered. Somethings got to give.

I know I have been doing two jobs right now at work... and also working on a major project, I am finding that I don't have time to leave my desk to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom because I am too busy. Somethings got to give.

I come home and I am a mother of 2 children, I am a spouse who is in the middle of selling a home and searching for a new one. I am involved with the School Advisory Council and I have a demanding and sick 3 year old and a independent and moody 12 year old. Both bring me great joy... but when I am already worn out... somethings got to give.

I am the President of my union local, I know I contribute greatly, I am interested in the work I do and what I can offer... it is just one more thing on my work schedule... somethings got to give.

I volunteer... no kidding... I have alot to say and I care about the way I want my world, workplace and community to be shaped... this is not an issue... merely another thing I am trying to fit into my work schedule... somethings got to give.

What's got to give? What can't I handle? Why do I beat myself up or think I am less then if I feel I cannot handle all of this? Why does speaking up and saying this isn't working for me still feel like I'm failing something or someone??? Somethings got to give.

Here is what I know now. Nothing is going to give unless I give it up for someone else to do. I need to speak with some people at work and discuss some of my workload, because as I write the most tenseness in my body is when I write about the project or 2 jobs. I know what's got to give... my stubbornness.

To stand in myself and speak up to what is meaningful to me. Not taking on a task or pushing back does not make me less then or a failure. What it is doing is setting an example of knowing when to say know and that it is okay to do so.

I am exhausted. I need some sleep. Taking a nice bath and curling up in bed for the night.

Tomorrow.. what is it going to bring me? Some relief as I am going to express myself.

There is always more.

"Is there anybody out there?"

It is so amazing to me when I receive e-mails from total strangers who have read or listened to something I have done.

In the past 3 weeks I have received 2 e-mails from 2 different women who have read Single Moms: Struggles and Strengths and were touched by my story in some way they felt they wanted to reach out to me.

The first one I received I wasn't sure if it was really meant for me or not. It was from a young woman named Lori who was a single mom at the age of 17. It was such a close reflection of my circumstance I wasn't sure if it was from a real person or not. It took me a while but I responded all the same.

Today I received another e-mail from a single mom in Ontario. I have not yet responded but I am in awe that my words have found their way out to the women I intended to read them. Many months after my articles were published.

It reaffirms to me that although I have no clue who reads my words and how many are touched by my words... they are being heard and my honesty and truth are finding their way into another's life.

Pretty freaking amazing... As I continue to sit with this... enjoy this feeling of knowing I have touched someone with my words, allowing someone to see that they are not alone.

And here is what I know, as we each speak up and speak our truths for others to hear, something in our story will resonate with another person on this earth, reassuring them that they too are not alone.

Tomorrow is another day... and there is always more.

Leading Without Losing

It's been one week since I was at Oceanstone for the Huna Retreat. That in it's own experience as amazing and almost indescribable. (Almost... I will go into it, but not in this entry).

Today the notion of Leading Without Losing is playing in my head. This may be the title of my leadership article or it may be the title of the next Women's Leadership Event at work... I'm not sure yet what it is, but I know it is important.

Leading without Losing is not about who wins. It isn't about never being wrong. It is about standing in your place of power and not losing yourself. Standing up as your authentic self and saying what needs to be said, listening closely to your Signal #1 (instinct, impulse) and allowing yourself to lead from that place.

Leading without Losing is about staying connected to who you are and what you value. It is about knowing where passion and power comes from... in the truth of your experience.

Leading without Losing is about knowing who you are, remembering that as you move through your world.

I'm not sure what Leading without Losing will be, but I know I am called to play with this notion right now.

Life is good... there is always more.

Duality of Living

While having a conversation with Sarah last night the notion of duality came into my consciousness.

Knowing something and thinking something is very different from stepping into it fully and living it. An integration needs to happen there, or your will remain sick or tired or find yourself having the same conversations over and over again (the words may be different but the context is the same).

Since Louise and I discussed our next project together, engaging in those conversations with me surrounding health I have been on the edge. I have been at the brink of tears during my days and nights for no reason in particular.

At work I am feeling spread really thin. Functioning in 2 job roles with a significant project on the side that others come to me for information or assistance on. The things I love to do are becoming interruptions almost. I am not leaving my desk to wander to the water bottle because that is a few minutes of tasks I can be completing.

A colleague and friend called me to discuss some future planning surrounding our Union Local, and it burst. That was my breaking point, my point of release.

At first I attempted to regain control of my emotions and then in a second I decided to honour them. My friend and mentor whom I was on the phone with asked if I was still there, I of course said yes and I am taking a few minutes here. He sat patiently and quietly as I allowed my tears to flow and my release to escape... if only such a little bit.

See Bob has read my blogs... we have had many wonderful conversations about life and philosophy. I was not uncomfortable honouring what came up for me with him on the other line, and he (I believe) in turn was not uncomfortable with me doing so.

Its not about him, it's not about the work, it's not about the tasks or the major project. It is about me. It is how my body has known over the past week or so that there is so much more just bubbling under the surface.

It is about how I thought I went through everything already in my journey to becoming who I am now (and as I wrote that I wanted to delete it as I know that is not a reality). Over coming the feelings of shame, unworthiness, guilt, anger, rage, uselessness and so much more over the past year was simply on the exterior.

As I come closer and closer to engaging with my health and lifestyle with Louise, I know all of those words will come up like they have never done before in the conversation regarding my body image and the emotions tied to that.

I suppose it is almost as if I am afraid. I am afraid of what might come up. Most of all I am afraid that I will not succeed, and these things I know are inside of me will be proved true on some level.

Can you see the duality? I thought I had this all gone, all of these feelings when it comes to conversation of leadership and exploring our potential... yet it is just lying beneath the surface when I take the time to notice it in my body image, weight, control, etc...

I'm off to Huna this weekend with Louise and many others who will be coming together at Oceanstone.

For me this weekend is to become really familiar with the force I am in this world and stand clearly from that point as I begin to engage in the next 6 weeks having those difficult conversations.

Tomorrow I will be at Oceanstone... and there will be more.

Putting Myself Out There

Wow, what an experience and invitation last weeks interview as for me. I think I emailed it to everyone I can think of... family, friends or coworkers (with exception to my Uncle Ken whom recently changed his e-mail address - don't worry you will get it too).

I sat and listened to part of it with my mother-in-law who was down visiting... it was a long interview, she didn't stay to finish listening to it (perhaps she will if she wants to in the privacy of her own home). I haven't listened to it in it's entirety yet... I intend on doing so tonight.

By the sounds of Louise's entry entitled The power of contagion it is being downloaded quite a bit, so this is a good thing. I also think that is because we are not afraid to talk about what is meaningful to us, about what we are doing, we are not afraid to let people know what we are involved in.

For those of you whom I have not met yet I have been struggling for years about my weight. About matching the inside me to the outside me and I have been blogging about that in a second blog entitled A Whole Healthy Me. Over the next few months I will be posting there quite a bit. Louise and I are going to be engaging in conversations surrounding food (and what it is really about).

I would encourage you if you feel you are interested to explore that blog. I also want to assure those who I know that I am not ashamed about what I say there, don't feel you are prying if you wish to read or know more. If I did not want people to read about my experiences I would not put them here.

If you know me well and you wish to talk with me about anything I have written there do not back off if tears may come to my eyes as I speak to you, the tears are a good thing and I know that by staying in those tough conversations will accelerated the things I need to process to make the outside me match the inside me.

For tonight, I am exhausted. I am done for now. Tomorrow is another day... and there is always more.

Time Flys By

The hour long interview last night flew by like it was simply a few minutes. That is what happens when you are engaging in interesting conversations with women who have so much to offer each other.

One thing that I noticed was how I can't really recall what I spoke about. I believe it was alot to do about my background and not so much what lies ahead. This was a good conversation for me to look back on just how far I have come in such a short period of time. And I also feel it has created sufficient space for the next quantum leap in my journey.

On the home front we are finishing up final cosmetic details in order to list our house for next Monday. We have outgrown it.

What is really interesting to me is that the houses we seem to be looking at are in the St. Margaret's Bay area. What strikes me about that is a) we had never thought about living on that side of the city. and b) it is close to Oceanstone... who knows what that means and I'll just have to wait and see where we end up moving to.

I will be participating in Huna next weekend with Louise and several others (who exactly I don't know). What I do know is I am very excited to connect to myself again, in a setting like this. I have not yet experienced Huna and I can't wait to engage with those who show up there.

I am working away at my article on Leadership. I have made a few grand discoveries about myself and perceptions that people hold about leaders and leadership. I look forward to having it ready for people to read and for publishing in the next month or so.

I am also looking forward to getting another Conscious Parenting workshop happening over the next 2 month period. I am ready and raring to go into whatever the next phase may be.

A parting thought for this entry....

If you don't declare yourself, your intentions, it is but a secret desire. When you speak it to others it is a declaration of manifestation and will become your reality.

Mission Unstoppable

On Thursday, October 11th, 2007 at 6 p.m. (Halifax Time) I have been invited to participate in an Internet radio interview.

The name of the program is Mission Unstoppable and the host will be interviewing Louise LeBrun on leadership. Myself, Amy & Anne have also been invited to participate having taken Louise's Leadership Redefined - Reclaimed.

Who knows what the actual content of the interview will be for sure. My guess is my part in this interview will be about my experience taking this program, what I have discovered surrounding myself and leadership and what I have chosen to do with it (how I choose to design my life).

I am looking forward to participating in this interview, and if you are so inclined to listen I would suggest you get familiar with the site at this Mission Unstoppable link above and mark your calendar. It should be an interesting hour!

Tomorrow is another day... there is always more.

Can Boil Down to RESPECT

What is the difference? Where is the disconnect? Why is the culture in Ottawa different from our Region? Is it?

At a recent meeting in Ottawa I was presented with an awareness of disrespect and (yes) immaturity by a handful of the participants, both from the management as well as from the union side.

Speaking your truth is one t hing (although some may want to consider doing it in a constructive manner). Dismissing and disregarding someone else's truth is quite another thing.

There were people who I felt were in a position to set the tone, to lead by example, who simply shocked me. They blew my perception of them out of the water by being blatantly disrespectful, making snide comments or even rolling their eyes when another individual was speaking... and doing so helps to create an environment that does not feel safe for others to express their opinions and thoughts (don't worry that didn't stop me).

I wonder if those people who behaved that way are aware of their actions? Or is it done out of fear of what they may be ignoring? Of ignorance of someone else's truth that is making them uncomfortable?

And in the next breath those same people express that they do not see any issues with communication when it comes to union and management relations. This all seems absurd and unreal to me and I am extremely curious as to why those individuals are choosing to be so sound asleep to another persons reality?

Tomorrow is another day... there is always more.

Noticing – When Opportunity Knocks

What I have come to notice is that when you are actively involved in creating the type of world you want to live in (i.e. choosing, speaking your truth, living authentically) opportunities arise out of day to day living.

I of course and speaking in part with my invitation that was extended to my a few weeks ago at the Local Presidents Conference to be here in Ottawa for the Informal Conflict Management System (ICMS Program) Workshop.

When I originally received the invitation I was honoured and elated with the opportunity, for two reasons:

a) The offer was not an offer to sneeze at; in that meeting are people who are major ‘stakeholders’ in our department (although I would challenge that every employee is a stakeholder).

b) The topic, the departmental ICMS program. Informal Conflict Management for me means Conflict Resolution, which is basically looking at productive ways to “hear” each other’s stories and points of view. It starts with being aware of the people you are interacting with, not only their language but also the other indicators that may be displayed. Being approachable, non confrontational and sincere, it will help ease a stress filled situation if someone knows they can simply talk to you and you will listen. So much of the time people just need to be heard… conflicts arise when people don’t know how to listen.

There are so many nuances that could be thrown into the mix when dealing with active listening and effective communicating, however it can be simplified by realizing everyone has something important to say whether you agree with it or not. By listening to them express them selves. Respecting them as individuals who have something valid and valuable to say. And remaining true to your self and your experiences you will be able to accomplish a lot.

Three very productive days spent in the National Capital Area, although I wasn’t worried that I would have anything to contribute during this workshop I was a little bit concerned with if people would hear me. I have left the sessions knowing that I have been heard and also perhaps opened up people’s views on who might have valuable input in the ‘decision making’ areas of our workplace.

I am sitting in the airport leaving Ottawa, with the promise of there being more. I’ll be having conversations next week with the National President to talk about other opportunities for me to sit on National Committees.

Life is good. There is always more, if you only allow yourself to be open and aware of it.

Opening Up to New Ideas / Concepts

I'll start this blog with a little sushi analogy (as that is what I am enjoying right now).

I'm thinking to myself, I'm here in another city, in another province, in another culture. I don't have to worry about feeding anyone by myself, so why not go get some sushi.

Now I am only a beginner when it comes to the sushi world, but I have come to discover some things I really like and a few that I don't when it comes to sushi. Well I walk into this Fuji Sushi and I start looking at things that I already know I like, and I notice, they have a summer sushi special it has mango, strawberries and cheese in it!!! That's sushi? So I think to myself, what the heck and I get some (I'm going to try my first bite now). It's amazing!! Who would have thunk that something so out of the box would taste so good?

Today during the workshop I was attending, filled with an ADM, RD's, EOAP's & LR's.... (the more money you make the more often you are referred to by acronym) we went around the room introducing ourselves. Well an hour into the introductions my table comes around and I introduce myself as "a GSU Local President from Halifax".

Some whispering from person to person happens, people wondering what in the Hell a measly 'local president' is doing at this workshop among the upper echelons of our organization (my interpretation of this).

LOL, perfect, I'm already taken them out of their comfort zone and opened them up to something new.

Who would have thought that someone who is a 'front line' employee might have anything pertinent to offer to this National Recommendation Workshop process... well at least one person did, this is why I am here.

This makes me think of my whole leadership summer project, where along the lines of 'success' does one forget that they also once had good ideas and thoughts when they were on the front line? And why in the world would they think they were the exception and not the norm?

I can see where diversity comes into play here too. As soon as people found out who I was (i.e. my status) they made assumptions about me and about my validity of being at this table. Little did they know that I don't look at the status and rank of an individual, I look at the individual (just like me) as having something equally valid to say.

So I carefully chose my words when I introduced myself. I made sure everyone knew where I was coming from and who I represent, I personally paid no mind to what others were doing and thinking, yet it was brought to my attention by some of my colleagues after the session, and I am truly happy to have been that invitation for them to open their eyes to the little bit more they may have ignored before.

I spoke my truth of the perception and disconnect that is still prevalent in our workplace. About how those involved in the union/management relations on a day to day basis know the good relationship we have, but the majority of the culture in our workplace still views union involvement and activism as a bad thing. For me I spoke of being told it wouldn't look good on me if I was involved in the union, that it would be a career stopper.

More recently how when I approached someone to recruit into the local executive after that person expression an interest, she is all of the sudden concerned with what that might mean for her career. She was told that it wouldn't be a good thing to get involved with the union. It is still happening and going on, yet we choose to be blind to what we don't think we can fix.

I have written numerous articles for our departments regional newsletter surrounding the theme of how times have changed, how our region has a great relationship with management, not agreeing all the time yet always respecting each other and where we are coming from. (in my experience). Yet still that lingering perception exists.

How can we change that? By breaking down the barriers and expanding peoples perceptions. Opening them up to other peoples views (not having to agree, but listening). Being open to new ideas and concepts (not necessarily meaning adopting them for your own).

You just might be surprised. Someone you may have perceived as being beneath you might have some cutting edge and innovative ideas if you would just stop and listen. GASP.

For those who know me, you know I am not shy (not anymore). I will speak in front of a crowd, I will put forward my ideas and let them hang there, you choose... hear them or not. But remember by hearing them you don't need to agree or disagree. It's not good or bad, it simply is.

We can learn so much from each other if we just allow each other the time to listen and not feel the need to judge.

Tomorrow is yet another day... there is always (thankfully) more.

A Day Playing Tourist

I walked to my meetings this morning over at the union office on Gilmour Street. It turned out that they were not all day meetings and I found myself with practically a whole day on my hands.

I walked through town to the Rideau Centre, spent some time BRIEFLY exploring the shops, come to think... why go shopping when I can be exploring the city?!?!

I left the building and was about to pull out my map to find my bearings when a colleague greeted me and kindly pointed me in the right direction. How is that for luck, in the middle of a city finding a face I know to guide me (thanks Randy)

I made my way to the Byward Market. What a fantastic place, carts and stalls lined the streets, vegetables, fruits, hand made wares, native crafts, oriental shawls, it was definitely a feast for the eyes. I picked up a bunch of ground cherries and a bottle of water and continued along.

I sat for a moment at a peace monument. I noticed the irony of the new United States Embassy being built right beside it. Across the street from where I sat was the National Art Gallery, standing outside of it on the corner of the road is a monstrous wrought iron spider sculpture.

I walked across the Alexandra Bridge to the Canadian Museum of Civilization. Before I entered I thought it would be best to find a place to eat.

As I waited, I wrote:

Lunch at the Cafe de Musee next to the museum of Civilization, a window next to the Ottawa River overlooking the back of the Parliament Buildings.

This region is so beautiful and rich in it's history. My feet are welcoming the break as I have been walking all day.

I have ordered a lovely lunch and have even decided to enjoy a glass of wine with my meal. After lunch I plan on spending the afternoon in the museum, maybe walk back through Gatineau Park to my hotel along the river.

I wish I had my journal with me on this day trip, it would be nice to find a bench under a tree and write.

The museum was immense and amazing. The first floor is dedicated to the First People of Canada, the first nations from one shore to the other. I spent a lot of time at that exhibit. I wish I could touch some of the artifacts that were on display, yet all I could do was look and listen.

I didn't spend as much time in the other exhibits, preferring to linger only when something really spoke to me. I spend the whole afternoon at the museum.

Instead of walking through what I earlier called Gatineau Park (it was just a little park behind the museum I wouldn't have gotten far). I decided to be proactive and walk down Place de Portages so I could locate the building where I was going to be in meetings tomorrow. Yes, sometimes details are important.

Now back in my room I kicked off my shoes and I am debating what to do this evening. I think a swim is called for then perhaps a shower and dinner... who knows. My feet are aching, my shoulders are sore (why I decided to bring my laptop with me all day I don't know). A nice soak would do me good and then I will move on from there.

Tomorrow is a new day, and there is always more.