Duality of Living

While having a conversation with Sarah last night the notion of duality came into my consciousness.

Knowing something and thinking something is very different from stepping into it fully and living it. An integration needs to happen there, or your will remain sick or tired or find yourself having the same conversations over and over again (the words may be different but the context is the same).

Since Louise and I discussed our next project together, engaging in those conversations with me surrounding health I have been on the edge. I have been at the brink of tears during my days and nights for no reason in particular.

At work I am feeling spread really thin. Functioning in 2 job roles with a significant project on the side that others come to me for information or assistance on. The things I love to do are becoming interruptions almost. I am not leaving my desk to wander to the water bottle because that is a few minutes of tasks I can be completing.

A colleague and friend called me to discuss some future planning surrounding our Union Local, and it burst. That was my breaking point, my point of release.

At first I attempted to regain control of my emotions and then in a second I decided to honour them. My friend and mentor whom I was on the phone with asked if I was still there, I of course said yes and I am taking a few minutes here. He sat patiently and quietly as I allowed my tears to flow and my release to escape... if only such a little bit.

See Bob has read my blogs... we have had many wonderful conversations about life and philosophy. I was not uncomfortable honouring what came up for me with him on the other line, and he (I believe) in turn was not uncomfortable with me doing so.

Its not about him, it's not about the work, it's not about the tasks or the major project. It is about me. It is how my body has known over the past week or so that there is so much more just bubbling under the surface.

It is about how I thought I went through everything already in my journey to becoming who I am now (and as I wrote that I wanted to delete it as I know that is not a reality). Over coming the feelings of shame, unworthiness, guilt, anger, rage, uselessness and so much more over the past year was simply on the exterior.

As I come closer and closer to engaging with my health and lifestyle with Louise, I know all of those words will come up like they have never done before in the conversation regarding my body image and the emotions tied to that.

I suppose it is almost as if I am afraid. I am afraid of what might come up. Most of all I am afraid that I will not succeed, and these things I know are inside of me will be proved true on some level.

Can you see the duality? I thought I had this all gone, all of these feelings when it comes to conversation of leadership and exploring our potential... yet it is just lying beneath the surface when I take the time to notice it in my body image, weight, control, etc...

I'm off to Huna this weekend with Louise and many others who will be coming together at Oceanstone.

For me this weekend is to become really familiar with the force I am in this world and stand clearly from that point as I begin to engage in the next 6 weeks having those difficult conversations.

Tomorrow I will be at Oceanstone... and there will be more.