Finding Myself

Transition: Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another.

I find myself in a place that is foriegn to me, yet familiar. I am a single woman... and a single woman who knows who she is and what she wants. This feels different... new yet not.

I find myself slipping for split seconds into a place where I doubt who I am and what I can do.

This week in my course, I said something that screamed of confidence and I got 'ribbed' for it. We today, 3 days later, there was still comments happening and I caught myself, questioning who I was.

How dare I allow myself to forget who I am now? To be proud of the women I have become and to allow myself to remain silent for a few days, in front of these people I did not know last week.

It came to a point this morning, another remark was made and some asked "Do you feel Harrassed?" I said "Yes I definately am beginning to."

Before lunch, another comment... I spoke up and said, "there is nothing wrong with confidence." The response was, "there is a difference between confidence and cockiness."

This sent my wave on the move. Yes there is a difference between the two, but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with confidence... and the difference for me comes down to EGO. However someones pereception may say different and that isn't about me.

Thankfully that happened prior to lunch, instead of hanging around I left and found a space to allow my emotions to flow in private. I went for a walk and returned to the session on time for a quick bite before workshop started.

The first activity after break was an icebreaker. It was a yarn toss, and we were to tell something personal about ourselves. I only had one thing on my mind and it was to put an end to this behaviour that was undesirable to me.

When the yarn was tossed to me, I said "One thing you may not know about me is that one of the reasons I started my consulting company was so others can be aware of the potential we all hold... (then the wave came and I continued)... I'm sorry, but I need to go here, 2.5 yrs ago I was not confident, I had no self esteem, self worth (I actually don't know if I managed to express all of that but I continued) and that is why confidence is so important to me and I really would appreciate if the comments would stop". And I tossed the ball.

The next hours was a blur, I was not in the room I left to find safety to allow myself to process what I needed to. I couldn't not find a safe private spot to be, so it took quite a while.

It was all I could muster to walk back into the room almost an hour later. And as I write this I am still very raw.

How can I create a safe environment where ever I go? As I write this I know that had I expressed what I felt on day one it wouldn't have gotten to the point it did. Needing to remember who I am....

Stop trying to make myself small in front of strangers to make them feel more comforatable with who they may be.

It's been quite intersting these past few weeks... and just because it's new... it doesn't mean I have to lose myself as I search out my new path.

Life is fully of surprises... self discoveries... and opportunities to shine.