Forgotten but not Gone

Here I write in my long neglected domain. What a crazy life I have been living lately.

In the midst of major family crisis I seem to be floundering on who I am. It is almost as if I lost my sense of self. The old me (the writer, the super mom, the me of a mere few months ago)… is not who I allow myself to be anymore. I have allowed doubt to enter back into my world.

And finally as I come up on the other side of the surface, I recognize that I allowed myself to be a victim to the circumstances. I allowed this crisis to define who I am and what I can do. I no longer own my business. I no longer life coach. I no longer give workshops. Oh don’t get me wrong here, I have the desire still inside of me yet I feel the doubt. Who am I to do this when I have such CRAP going on in my life? How can I stand up to be witnessed when I feel tainted by the acts and deeds of others who I chose at one point to be part of my life?

I feel an emptiness and sadness. I had resolved that my life would never be the same again. And now… here deep beneath the doubts is my soul, my spirit, my godforce, screaming and demanding to be recognized once again.

Last weekend I picked up a gift for a friend on my vacation with the kids. I don’t know why I picked it up, I did not plan on picking anything up for this friend, yet I did and I knew a trip to Oceanstone to search for myself was in my near future.

I went for coffee with Margot last week and I told her about my need and desire to do a day trip or an overnighter at Oceanstone. When we discussed my intention for going… waves of emotion began to arise. I need to reconnect with me… with who I know I am inside, unchanged, untainted, strong, beautiful, driven, open to life and connected.

So in the next week if you are there, you will find me by the ocean listening to the waves, wind and my spirit. Or under a tree on the moss laden ground listening to the song of my soul.

Life is good… I was just allowing myself to be blind to it.