Going... Going... Found!

How often do you sit and wonder why things have to be so hard?

How much time do you spend thinking of all the things that can go wrong?

Do you run through a million possible what if scenarios in your head?

Think of all the time and energy you spend doing that.

You cannot expect an easy and quick outcome if you are dividing your attention and energy to two different spectrum's of the field.

The outcome will eventually manifest, but how it manifests depends on the type of thoughts and energy you bring it's way.

Think of it this way. All your conscious thought and energy is equal to 100%. There is something you really want to happen (i.e. selling a house) and you know this is your desired outcome. How long does it need to take? How easy will it be?

For me I divided my attention and energy more towards the What if's and I have to's of this process.

I'd say I spent 85% of my inner thoughts on a deal falling through, or maybe what would happen IF I didn't sell my place.

It took me along time to get to the point of letting it go. On the last day of my realtor's contract I had already decided that I was going to take my house off the market for a bit, that I was just going to forget about all the headache of having to prepare the house every week for showings or open houses.

I was done spending all of my energy in trying to make the house nice enough, good enough or right enough for someone to want to buy it (man that sounds alot like feeling unworthy).

And I let go. And an offer came that day, the last day of the contract. It took a bit of negotiating but at the end of it I was clear that if they didn't accept my conditions, then the deal would be null and void. I was not willing to play the game anymore.

During this time my thinking flipped to the other end of the spectrum. Maybe 5% of me worried. 10% of me got fired up. and the other 85% was willing to allow whatever would happen to happen.

And it happened. This morning, the buyers signed off on what I wasn't willing to budge on. It is done.

I wonder if I allowed myself to worry 15% of the time instead of 85% at the beginning how quickly the sale of my house would have manifested.

I had held so much "baggage" with this house that it weighed down my NEEDING to sell it.

A year ago when I first the thought of putting this house up for sale was an out to a relationship I had no desire of being in anymore.

Then I thought the sale of this house was going to be the salvation to my financial difficulties.

After that my thought was of financial security in creating a new beginning for my children and I.

Thoughts that followed soon after was of my despair and need to be away from the memories that this house held.

And finally after all of those burdens and baggage were tied into this event... it made me resentful that the house wasn't selling.

When I began to take charge of my life again (no longer willing to be victim), my experience with the house began to change. It could sell, or not, and it was going to be just fine. It wasn't going to make or break me.

As each day passes I become reacquainted with the strong woman I am. I remember that all of these things (listed above) do not define me. There is only one thing that defines me... MYSELF.

Pheonix Rising

I'm burning the ashes that remain of my past.

Emerging into the freedom of creating from a clean slate.

Not willing to focus any more attention on the what if's and worries.

Energy can be much better used for creating.

Need to read the Pheonix Rising again.

It is time.

Odd State of Suspension

Yes I am claiming my life back.

Yes I am starting fresh and new.

Yes I will have no limitations that I won't be able to work with.

And yet I notice, I'm in this odd state of suspension.

So many good things are happening so fast around me. In my life (for the good) and in the lives of those I love.

I want to celebrate. I want to rejoice. But I sit keeping a lid on my excitement in fear of the ass falling out of it.

I've had a bottle of champagne in my fridge since the spring, waiting for one of two events to happen. 1) Get the acting assignment I was wanting at work OR 2) Selling my house.

Well I got my acting assignment and started it in July, yet at that point there were enough other things going on in my world that I didn't feel much like celebrating.

Now just last week, I agreed upon an offer for my house and I put a deposit down on a flat that I absolutely adore. And I am in this freeze mode, a state of suspension... is it done? Do I celebrate? Or am I going to be disappointed? Today they buyers did their home inspection and again I'm wondering... did everything go okay? What if, what if, what if?

This is not a nice feeling for me. Someone who has learned what I have learned, know what I know and have trusted in my experience. Yet now, with the events of my recent past, I am waiting for my world to get turned upside down again.

I would love to be singing in the streets... yet if I do it and allow myself to feel the joy that is inside... what happens if it doesn't go through? Can I handle another disappointment?

The sale of my house truly signifies a new beginning for me. Letting go of the past. Not having a physical space where I have so many memories. It is the rebirth of a woman who has her whole future at her feet. A financial clean slate. Security for my girls, space for my girls. New beginnings.

Have you ever wanted something so badly you were afraid to breath in fear of losing it?

That is where I am right now... in this odd state of suspension.

We shall see what tomorrow brings...

Yehaw?~? Yipee!!! I'm so happy! Can it be? This is it? A breath above water!!! New Beginnings!!!

The Breaking Point

It's almost 11 p.m. on a school night and my beautiful 13 yr old just finished crying her eyes out on my shoulder.

I have been separated now since the end of January, and since the end of May my kids have had no contact with their father (other than a few text messages).

Much like I was as an adolescent (am in some ways still), Jessica has been pretty marvelous at putting up a front and hiding her emotions. Tonight she came into say "I love you" after she already had been in bed... that was an invitation for me.

As I held her and asked her what was going on, did she have things running through her head, she released her "sadness" and sobbed in my arms. "I miss him" she managed to get out. And as I held on to her, telling her I know, waiting for her to stabilize a bit until I can say to her that I honestly can't imagine what she is going though.

And I don't, for my parents, even though they divorced still had free access and contact to both my sister and I. And as she cried some more with that acknowledgement, I told her that there is really nothing I can tell her, other than I will always be there for her when she needs me.

I asked if she has been in contact with him through text, and she has, but she is still feeling the huge loss.

Another dam broke and she managed to get out that the last time she saw him she didn't want to be there. So of course I let her know that she should not feel guilty about that. It's not her fault, that all of this is F'd up (yes I swore) and that it is absolutely NORMAL for a teen aged girl not to want to have to go visit a parent if they'd rather go with their friends, and she should not hold that as something that is wrong.

I told her that her father loves her and that last time she saw him would not be the LAST TIME EVER (and as she sobbed tears of relief I silently hope and pray for the sake of my beautiful teenager that she has another opportunity to see him so her memories will not be that of "not wanting to be there").

And this is all I can do. Hold her. Let her cry. Allow her to feel whatever she is feeling and acknowledge those feelings. Yes it's shitty. Yes you miss him. And NO it's not your fault.

I am very thankful there seems to be an abundant amount of energy and strength for me to draw on during these times when I most need them.

Jess seems to have had her first breaking point. This movement will allow for more strength, love and the next stage to happen. Who knows what that will be? I can't say for sure, but I know that I will be here in whatever way she needs me to be when she does.

A Whole New World (yet again)

School starts tomorrow in Nova Scotia.

Jessica will be entering Grade 8... no longer the bottom of the totem pole, but not yet at the top. She is excited (has been for weeks now), although in typical teenager fashion she swears she is only excited to see her friends and not for "school".

Sara is starting school tomorrow too. They call it ELO (Early Learning Opportunities), her school is one of 6 in the city that offer this program. I feel fortunate that I am still here to take advantage of this. Sara just turned 4 yrs old this summer. She is so very excited for school. Although tonight when I tucked her in she asked if there would be boys there. LOL, oh they start young.

Once again the school year starts. It will hold plenty of learning, discovery and many firsts (and lasts too). My eldest will learn new skills (Family Studies & Woodworking) and is hoping to hone her organizational skills. My youngest will be learning to engage in a new environment.

Me? My life shifts once again. I change my working hours to accomodate Sara's school starting hours. My baby... is growing up. And my other baby... is rapidly showing me the ways she has matured in a woman. As Sara explores her independance (as every 4 yr old does), Jessica is there to offer an encouraging word to her exhausted mother.

Time slips by quickly. I know I am utterly blessed. Even though I seem to have my challenging times with myself & how I interact with my kids, I intend on taking a few minutes at the end of each day and writting down the gifts I recieved that day. The joke, the hug, the I love you's, the "You're a Rockstar"... and breath it all in exhaling the love I hold for my girls.

Intention + Action... is the key to manifesting a meaningful life. As you will it.