The Breaking Point

It's almost 11 p.m. on a school night and my beautiful 13 yr old just finished crying her eyes out on my shoulder.

I have been separated now since the end of January, and since the end of May my kids have had no contact with their father (other than a few text messages).

Much like I was as an adolescent (am in some ways still), Jessica has been pretty marvelous at putting up a front and hiding her emotions. Tonight she came into say "I love you" after she already had been in bed... that was an invitation for me.

As I held her and asked her what was going on, did she have things running through her head, she released her "sadness" and sobbed in my arms. "I miss him" she managed to get out. And as I held on to her, telling her I know, waiting for her to stabilize a bit until I can say to her that I honestly can't imagine what she is going though.

And I don't, for my parents, even though they divorced still had free access and contact to both my sister and I. And as she cried some more with that acknowledgement, I told her that there is really nothing I can tell her, other than I will always be there for her when she needs me.

I asked if she has been in contact with him through text, and she has, but she is still feeling the huge loss.

Another dam broke and she managed to get out that the last time she saw him she didn't want to be there. So of course I let her know that she should not feel guilty about that. It's not her fault, that all of this is F'd up (yes I swore) and that it is absolutely NORMAL for a teen aged girl not to want to have to go visit a parent if they'd rather go with their friends, and she should not hold that as something that is wrong.

I told her that her father loves her and that last time she saw him would not be the LAST TIME EVER (and as she sobbed tears of relief I silently hope and pray for the sake of my beautiful teenager that she has another opportunity to see him so her memories will not be that of "not wanting to be there").

And this is all I can do. Hold her. Let her cry. Allow her to feel whatever she is feeling and acknowledge those feelings. Yes it's shitty. Yes you miss him. And NO it's not your fault.

I am very thankful there seems to be an abundant amount of energy and strength for me to draw on during these times when I most need them.

Jess seems to have had her first breaking point. This movement will allow for more strength, love and the next stage to happen. Who knows what that will be? I can't say for sure, but I know that I will be here in whatever way she needs me to be when she does.