Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a child was moving, nor the cat, nor the man. The presents were wrapped and all set under the tree, I have showered, I am comfy, I am writing, I am me.

What is different about this Christmas Eve? First and formost I am, instead of sitting here wondering if I have bought enough gifts I am sitting here anticipating the joy on the childrens faces in the morning.

Every year on Christmas Eve a man dressed up as Santa Claus drives around each street with a police escort. Santa rides in the back of a white pick up truck that is completely decked out with Christmas lights and he always has at least one elf helping him. Santa waves to the children who come out of their homes on wait on the side of the road for him to pass, he clangs his bell and he gives a hearty Ho, Ho, Ho. His elf makes sure to throw candy canes on the lawn so they don't break and away they go to continue to spread the cheer in the neighbourhood, to get the children just a little bit more excited for their special visitor during the night.

I remember a few years back there was one Christmas when Jessica and I were living at my mothers house. The Christmas before she got a Rudolf Reindeer toy that played music and had a nose that lit up to the tune. We had lost that reindeer in our latest move and being Christmas Jessica was upset about that.

I looked through all of our packed belongings and found him, however I held on to him and didn't tell Jessica I found him.... while we waited on the side of the road for Santa's drive by arrival that Christmas Eve at my mothers house, when Jessica was so excited and on the look out for Santa to drive by, very much distracted by the sirens and the anticipation of Santa's Pick Up coming around the corner, I slipped in the house and grabbed that reindeer and set him on the porch steps and returned to Jessica's side, waving at Santa as he drove by.

When we turned to go back into the house and Jessica started walking up the stairs she couldn't beleive her eyes. Right there at the top of the steps was Rudolf waiting for her. Well she thought it was a Christmas miracle, that Santa knew she lost her reindeer and he put him on the stairs for her to sleep with on Christmas Eve.

Tonight as we heard the sirens of the police escort in the distance, I got Sara dressed in her shoes and winter coat, we went outside and brought a few lawn chairs to the end of the driveway. Jessica came out to join us and we waited for Santa's arrival. Jessica kept talking to Sara about Santa coming and going to give them a treat, Sara was so excited to see him.

The sirens got louder and we began to see the lights of the police escort reflecting on the mini homes at the corner, and around came the police car... well Sara didn't like that too much, too noisy I suppose, up on my lap she goes.

And then what before my very eyes do I see, but a jolly old man in the back of a F150. And Sara looked in awe and Jessica was all smiles, a hearty Ho, Ho, Ho and away they go. Sara scrambled off my lap to get her candy cane off the lawn. Then she got brave and thanked Santa that was already turning off our street.

Jessica told me she remembered the time with the Reindeer and she still doesn't know for sure how it happened. She told me tonight that even though I said it was me who did it she doesn't beleive me. She swears in her memory that my mother and I were right there beside her the whole time and we couldn't have done it. And that makes me smile. Although this is Jessica's second Christmas not beleiving in Santa Claus... she still belives in magic. And that is pretty awesome.

So just what is different within me this year? I know that this year Christmas holds pure joy. The joy of my youngest child when she sees the tree and the gifts under it. The joy of my eldest child, who is still so excited for the morning, who belives in magic. The joy I have with Mike, to know we both did our best to provide a Christmas for the kids this year and knowing our love for each other is gift enough in our own lives. The joy I have deep within myself, the joy of knowing, the joy of living, the joy of unbounded freedom, the joy of simply being me.

So for each of you who are celebrating this holiday, my wish for you is Joy. And for those who are not celebrating this holiday, my wish for all of us is to find a place within ourselves, that sacred space, where we can remember the pure joy of walking in a warm summers thunderstorm dancing in the rain, or walking down a dark cold road, looking up and catching snowflakes on your tounge, or of watching the sun rise or set so beautifully on the horizen.

Joy within pure and unabashed.

Peace

Christmas time is here

Okay I must admit, I've got the Christmas bug. Although flat broke I am excited and happy inside. My 2½ yr old has picked up most of the words of "Jingle Bells" and breaks out into song unexpectedly. I love it!

My 11 yr old has bought gifts for many of her friends and family this year, on her own... this is the first year I don't have the slightest clue what she got for anyone. It will be fun to see. She is one happy girl too!

Friends are dropping in, we are getting together more, having lunch, brunch, or just coffee.

The work choir has been singing almost daily in the atrium so you can hear the sounds of Christmas ripple through the building.

Co-workers are bringing in baked goods and leaving them out for everyone to enjoy, taking time to talk and have a laugh together.

Life is grand. Tomorrow is our work Pot-Luck / Children's Party, 7 floors and over 400 employees = one heck of a lot of left overs. I've called a few of the local homeless shelters and soup kitchens to see if they will accept our left overs... and they were overjoyed a the possibility. I hope that many of the floors in the building follow suit and donate their left overs to those who will truly appreciate them.

Tis the Season

Tis the season for hustle and bustle. Tis the season for lending and spending. Tis the season for laughing and singing. Tis the season for family.

So the whole holiday season, especailly Christmas is so commercialized isn't it? Kids who don't get as much (if anything) are made to feel by their peers that they are less than. Perhaps not with malice but it always was a competition in a way, what did you get for Christmas? That's it? Well I got... etc.etc. and so is the dance of I'm better than you. No more dances of the sugar plum fairy I'm afraid.

So yes, I dance this dance again this year for the sake of my 11 yr old who must have an MP3 player. My spouse and I do not exchange gifts anymore (not in any grand sense) a pair of slippers and a treat, a little something to unwrap and open. We realize that this year we have other priorities for our finances. My sister and I do not exchange gifts, we buy for eachothers kids and even then we need to start to put a price limit on that.

One recent conversation I have with my sister she asked me what I got my kids for Christmas. I told her (it was 2 gifts each), she asked what else I was getting them... I didn't have any intention of getting them anything else this year, it just wasn't in our budget. So last night after a family dinner, my sister told me what she got my 11 yr old... so much more than we usually buy for each others kids. She said it was because she knew we weren't able to go all out this year... sweet, generous and loving.

Yet up pops flashes of feelings that I know no longer serve me... guilt, inadequacy, shame, worry (dead horses). I worried that what her kids might feel upset because I only got small gifts for the 2 oldest ones, I worried about what the family would think of me not buying my kids lots of things and seeming to rely on the charity of others, totally not the case, however that is my filter and story of how others will react. Funny how the holiday season can make you feel like you thought you never would again. Everyone has their best intentions, yet someones filters or strategies will alway put a different spin on it.

So this year I choose. I choose not to let my filters, strategies, or dead horses stand in my way of the pure joy and magic of this season. As the majority of the world I interact with chooses to celebrate Christmas, I will do the same, as it is a tradition that still serves me... I will just be rid of the bullshit that comes along with it.

One more week until Christmas Eve... one more night of wrapping presents... 2 more Christmas parties... 15 more Christmas Cards... then over a week off to enjoy... to relax... to play with my girls... to write some more of my book... to just be.