Anticipating the Unknown

Tonight I sit here exhausted.

It has been a intense week with the women who have chosen to step into the Engaging process.

I have gained such clarity on many aspects of my life and in particular in the direction I am going.

After lunch today I went over to my work and took care of some loose ends that I knew I had to do. I withdrew myself from a competitive process for a higher paying job.

I have become very clear that I need to be passionate about what I do... money doesn't create happiness for me so why continue pretending that I would be happier at that other job.

I am clear that my future lies where my passion is, and in the meantime why expend my energy on competitions for a series of jobs I am not passionate about?

What I know.

What I know is the job I begin on Monday is one where I will be working with people who communicate and work as a real team.

What I know is that the people I will be working with already value the leadership skills I have discovered over the past year and are already recognizing ways that I can engage to the benefit of the group.

What I know is that this position I have will be a fantastic place for me to be at this stage in my life.

What I also "know" is that not many people decide to drop out of a competition that is at a higher level simply because they are clear they do not want to do that kind of work.

What I "know" is that other people are going to look at that and question why is she dropping out?

AND what I KNOW is that I am very clear that money does not equate happiness for me any longer.

The interesting thing is that right after I did all of this (i.e. withdrew from the competition) my throat started to feel funny (left side, thick) and I started to get hot (feverish).

I am curious how much of this is tied to what I know will be my mothers reaction to my decision, and I am also very aware how her model of the world (go for the job with the most money, financial security is of utmost importance, etc) is not my model of the world any more.

And what I know is that if I am getting curious about this, it holds resonance for me...

Big Week.

I have also had very tough conversations with someone I love very much this week. I have been clear to who I have become and what I need to move on and grow. And I am still anticipating the unknown with this one.

So I have been very clear... I want to be seen... for who I have become. I will no longer settle for anything less than that.

The person who I was last year would have settled... the person I am now and who I continue to become will not.

And I am not this person, so I don't have the slightest clue how they are processing this one... for me it is an unknown... and I wait.

The thing about the Unknown is that I know it will hold growth for me. Which ever way this thing turns out... I am clear in what I stand for.

What I want in my life and what type of people i want in my life... all of it.

I am clear that I will continue to be just who I have become... always growing... always engaging... living large, with passion and drive... for everything that is meaningful to me and for the future I know I am creating.

Tomorrow is another day... and there is always more.