A Reflection

This week I spent time in the emergency room at the children's hospital. I took care of a sick toddler. I learned of a friends passing. Worried over an injured cat. Shelled out unexpected cash for new breaks. Attended a funeral mass and reflected on those in my life who are sick.

The things I will remember about this week are...

• The undeniable love and calm I experience holding my two year old tight to myself.

• The beautiful and independent young woman my eleven year old is and is continuing to become. The pride in discovering what a talented photographer she is. The awe at seeing how a pair of glasses can make her look even older than she already does!!!

• A bus ride to work this week reminded me of the sheer beauty of innocence and openness. There were two gentlemen who got on the bus from one of the group homes or perhaps the mental health hospital on the route. These two gentleman made my morning. After taking their seats they greeted each an every person who got on the bus with a huge smile and a robust Good Morning! And it made me smile. There was a young man (maybe 22) sitting across from me tuned into his iPod and staring off into the distance. One of the gentleman kept looking his way and began to talk to him. I immediately judged the young man as someone who was going to be impatient and rude... I was quickly reminded by his actions that judgments of others are useless, human kind is full of surprises and potential. The young man each time took off his earphones and spoke to the gentleman who was wanting to connect with him. After a few interchanges of conversation like this the gentleman reached out his hand an introduced himself to the young man by name. It was a beautiful exchange to watch as I witnessed the joy come over the gentleman's face as the young man replied in like with a smile and a handshake. To know and keep that feeling within me... noticing how their energy and innocence effected everyone within earshot. How much it made my morning to bear witness to it and how it is such a simple thing to do.... say good morning to those you pass. Not to worry about what others may thing, stepping out of societies norm of not speaking to people you don't know and just allowing yourself to be and do what you are moved to do, say what you are moved to say.

• The power of simply being present. Speaking what you are moved to speak and letting the people whom you care about know it. For giving the gift of yourself to those who are grieving, simply being present and letting them know you are there for them in whatever way you can offer.

• I stopped to give some money to a panhandler who said to me, I hope you had a good day today miss. And I replied I did, I went to a beautiful funeral service. And the panhandler asked me what this persons name was and said "I will say a prayer for her and her family". And that moved me. To know that everyone is connected in the world and everyone can make the world shift by their words and actions. Who knew that this woman's offer of prayer would make me remember we are all connected no matter what our religion, beliefs, race, culture, gender or social status.

So I could choose to look at this week and reflect on the not so great things that happened. I can can choose to look at this week for the gifts that were presented to me... the gifts of light, caring, loving, laughter, innocence and connection.

Tomorrow is a new day. There is always more.

Cancer… What’s it all about?

An old friend of mine… not a close friend, but more than an acquaintance… was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 1st, 2006. She was 35 at the time. She was a childhood friend of my sisters, and I was her sister’s friend. That was in the 80’s.

A few years ago while visiting a good friend of mine I had the opportunity to meet her again in Jen’s living room. She apparently was a neighbour and friend of Jennifer’s. We had an opportunity to met again, catch up, reminisce. She has 2 daughters and a husband whom she loved. It was nice to see her again and get to know a bit about the woman she had become.

In December my friend Jen called me up to tell me about Carla’s illness. At that time I thought of my good friend Norm who has been diagnosed as having terminal cancer for 4 yrs now, and was still very much living and living large, so I was very optimistic when consoling Jen who was very distraught at the news.

Life went on. I heard when they found a “perfect” match for a bone marrow donor for Carla. Again I was very optimistic in my mind frame, she would come through they found a donor for her.

Yesterday morning Jen called me at work. Telling me she just heard from Carla’s husband. She was dying that day. A bit of denial when through me… are they taking her off life support? No she wasn’t on any… her kidneys are failing. Still I thought she can come through. Jen called me yesterday afternoon. She was gone.

Shock, I suppose. She was only 36 (although I thought she was 34). 2 girls 14 and 8 yrs old, husband, and family who loves her. She just had a transfusion… how can this be? This is wrong all the thoughts. Wanting to be there for my friends, wanting to be there is some way to comfort, offer my thoughts, and offer something.

And I couldn’t figure out why I was crying. After all, we weren’t close; we didn’t really talk like I do with most of my friends. Why did this resonate so much with me? Was it her age, her kids (both girls like me)? Who knows? It doesn’t matter.

Then all of the sudden I begin thinking of Norm again. And I am saddened. A man loved by many, and still very much alone when it comes to a family of his own. A man who created a bond with me at my first work Christmas Party, as a roll of my protector… who I didn’t need but it certainly endeared me to this man.

And he has terminal cancer, a slew of experimental drugs and new tumours have come and gone, he has had many ups and downs with his health, he has changed his way of living and his outlook on life in so many ways, taken down his shell and began to let people in more and more.

And I have danced around the sidelines, wanting to be there for him, do things with him, but not knowing what to do, what to say or if he even wants me to.

Yesterday I decided to stop dancing. I’ve left a message with Norm last night; I hope he is able to call me back. I am hoping to spend Sunday morning with him (and Coronations Street), and let him know just how much I think of him. How much he is loved by so many, including myself. How much I wish I could do more for him that just be there.

It’s time to get off my ass, Carla’s passing has brought an urgency to me to engage with Norm and let him know all of these things I think and feel about him while there is time.

The message I think that I will carry from this is the time is now. Say what you want to say to the people who are meaningful in your life. Don’t just sit around thinking about. Get up and DO SOMETHING…. Engage! And life will happen.

Believe it or not life is good, and there is always tomorrow, the question is where will you be?

Gawk & Gab - Oceanstone

A few weeks back a good friend of mine Margot decided she wanted other people to see a movie she enjoyed. "Lady In the Water" by M. Night Shyamalan.

I had always assumed this film was a horror movie and had no desire to watch it, however the title laid in my mind. And sure enough, here was Margot with this vision of creating a space for others to see it.

Well Margot went with it. She contacted Carole McInnis from Oceanstone to tell her about her vision. Next thing I know we are having a WEL night out at Oceanstone. Dinner at Rhubarb's Grill, Movie in the Great Room at Oceanstone and a night in a cottage by the Atlantic Ocean.

It just happened to fall on one of the most beautiful weekends so far this spring.

There was 13 of us women (including my daughter Jessica) in the private dining room on the upper floor of the restaurant. Drinks, Appetizers, Entrees and even desert was had by those of us who could handle it. The conversations were great, the energy was thick, the women amazing and welcoming to those who "we didn't know".

As we got ready to move down to the main building to watch the movie Jessica and I went to get into our pyjamas and grab a blanket. The great room has recently been renovated and is beautifully done with an additional area and view of the setting sun. There was enough comfy seating for everyone in a horse shoe around the screen. And the movie begun.

The movie is a fantasy of a Narf (water nymph) named Story and of her purpose of coming to make contact with man and awaken something within in them to allow themselves to find their purpose in life. There were so many metaphors scattered throughout this movie it was unbelievable to me. It was also very interesting how each woman's perception of the movie was so vastly different. Some saw a connection of peace, some experienced a bit of fear, some thought it was just plain bizarre, I found it quite moving in most parts.

All though this movie the character Story is in need of certain people around her to make her journey complete, and it takes the main character a long time to remember who he is. He is the healer, he has just been so full of grief and misery with events that happened in his life that he lost faith in his abilities and capabilities. He had to find himself for Story to be able to return from where she came from.

I found it an amazing movie and I really would enjoy watching it again and seeing MORE that I didn't pick up on... metaphors that are relevant to things going on in my life at this time.

After the movie we had fantastic conversations on things that came up for us during the film. We stayed and talked, then after a while Jessica asked if we could go back to the cottage.


Out into the mild night we go. The stars are so amazing when there are no lights from the city taking away from it. Once we finally got into the cottage we decide to do some painting. I bought some acrylics and tempra paints for canvases and for rocks. And we created.

Jessica created these two pieces and about 7 ladybug rocks. It was fun to see how she creates and works.

I have some pictures of her actually doing the paintings but that will have to come online later on.


It was good to have that time with my daughter who is almost 12 (four months today she will be). To have her with me there, to paint, to talk, to walk, to cook, to just be. I certainly won't forget this night we had at Oceanstone.

I look forward to more in the future Gawk and Gabs.

It was a perfect opportunity for me to show Jessica fully, just who I am and to get to know just a little bit more about the woman she is and who she is becoming.

Thank you Margot for creating the space! Life is good... and there is always more.

Single Moms CD Testimonials

I couldn't wait to purchase and listen to Lori's CD Single Moms: Struggles and Strengths. I did so on Wednesday and to date I have listened to it 3 times. While listening to Lori and Louise's dialogue, I found myself more then a little engaged! I found out many things. One was why I have always had a deep respect for Lori, almost from the time I met her. Her single Mom struggles were not lost on me and now listening to her CD I realized how much her life mirrors my own Mom, who was a single mother during the 70's (not a very socially acceptable time). My Mom did the same things that Lori did, but the money she earned was still far below what she needed to make, to maintain a good life for me and for my sister. She chose to marry a man she didn't love to provide us with a home and security. That is a profoundly hard thing to understand, except when listening to Lori I realized, it was a different form of pride. She had a job, but by providing us with what was perceived as the "proper" family and home, she felt good.
It's amazing how much impact the conversation between Louise and Lori had on me. Lori is so real to me, not just because I know her and she's my friend. She has a way to make the WELness™ series accessible, not only to me, but to so many other women. As Louise put it so well, Lori is the poster child for the WELness™ series . She attained all the goals she set out for herself and she's just keeps evolving! She inspired me to reach out for my dreams as well, and it's an amazing thing to have someone in your life where it's all positive and welcoming.

Thank you Louise for showing Lori this amazing path to self awareness and discovery, you're presentation of the series engaged her to reveal and "decloak" the real Lori, who was there all along. I love what you said about her, who is this amazing 'unmasked woman'!

There are so many different facets to Lori, but the outstanding personality traits are her teaching abilities, her leadership qualities and she's an amazing Mom! I feel like if I had to describe her in one word it would be EXTRAORDINARY!

Again, thank you both.

Laura Beaton
Dartmouth, NS

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I finally broke down and decided to listen to Lori Walton's Interview of Struggles and Strengths of a Single Mom. As I was listening to it in the car on my way to work this morning, I heard the voice of a very powerful women. I am constantly absorbing her words even once the car is parked and I am climbing on the ferry for my morning commute to work. I feel the urge to take out my journal and jot down my thoughts. Meanwhile I can't wait to get to work to hug Lori. Hug her to show her that she will never be alone…….hug her to show her how truly beautiful and intelligent she is……hug her to say I am glad you are in my life…..hug her to thank her for sharing…sharing a life experience with me that has so impacted her life and molder her to the confident women she is today. She is a gift and I know in my heart of hearts she has been sent here to us to share that gift of love, courage and strengths.

I too am a single mom. I guess you could say some of us live each day with that fear of society being right, that children who grow up with a single "MOM" are more likely to be high school drop-outs, unintelligent, criminals who will never amount to anything. Far to often we find ourselves pushing our children to the brink in hopes that people will see only the perfections. It breaks my heart that as a single mom, I too hold that fear for my son.

I know what it is like to lose a job because your boss was of old school and said that you had no right to be a single mom. How dare he. So I found myself pregnant for a new baby, a mortgage I did not know how I was going to pay and no job. Talk about a let down. Hanging your head was all you wanted to do. But something in me said "NO", I want my son to know that, that is not what life is about and I pushed to have his beliefs and discriminations removed from the workplace. I never got my job back but he too got to experience the humiliation and the shame he put so many others through.

I have such a sense of pride in knowing that my son loves me and taking this course with Lori has helped me to be a better mom to him at his level not at mine. Even at the age of 6 he can see how hard I am trying each day to be that better person, who loves him unconditionally. It is so easy to let your own fears and anxieties rub off on your children. We need to be strong and teach then respect and confidence…..Love the world and it will love you back.

Donna
Dartmouth, NS

Excitment and Moving Forward

My CD is completed.

It's the first one in the Living WELness™ series Single Moms: Struggles and Strengths is a thought provoking conversation between myself and Louise LeBrun. It will soon be available online at the WEL-Systems Online Storefront.

On this CD we discuss my experiences of being a Single Mother and a Single Mother on Welfare, we discuss what culturally conditioned beliefs I held about my self when I was in that position. We explored some things to consider if that is your situation and looked at some "if I knew then what I know now how would I have moved through my life differently?"

My intention behind this CD was for women to know they are not alone, not in your thoughts, actions, or feelings. There are different things to consider about who you are, what you are capable of and the difference you can make in this world, if you only consider and awaken to the massive amounts of potential you hold.

My intention was to also bring awareness to others that single mothers have just as much to offer as you do.

As you sit in your home or office reading this, you may wonder from time to time... what kind of difference can I make, what kind of mark can I leave on this world... and you do nothing but wonder and entertain those thoughts. It is my firm belief that if we just start to speak to what is meaningful to us, share our experiences and stories and start to move forward living authentically towards what we are passionate about... the world with change.

I've made changes in peoples lives already. I always have even when I wasn't aware of it. You are too, you just may not know it yet. Now imagine if you consciously choose to contribute... the possibilities are endless.

Life is good, and tomorrow is a new day!

Letting things sink in

Last week I joined this internet network place that everyone seems to be talking about lately.

What is really neat about it is people from your past can find you easily and reconnect with you, if even just to say hi.

For me where my father was in the military for 33 yrs it was good to hear from friends I wouldn't have known for very long, I was in a different school every year from grade 2 to grade 11.

A few nights ago I made a profile for Mike on face book.

And last night after not seeing her for 16 years he talked with his half sister who is now 23 yrs old. What an experience that was for me to witness.

I had the opportunity to speak with this young woman for quite a while and I could just feel the sheer joy and disbelief she was experiencing.

All of the sudden a brother she barely knew has arrived again.

One she never thought she would ever get a chance to talk to.

That is pretty huge in my book.

I have such a sense of joy inside of me as I know that this event will forever change the life of this young woman… how could it not?

And isn't that what it's all about? Personal growth?

Events like these are surely a part of her own evolution… Mike's as well. Whether he cares to admit it or not (I don't know we haven't had this conversation yet) there is a young woman out there who is so overjoyed with finding him, her big brother, that this will also have a huge impact in "our" world as well.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? There is always more.

Reflection of Day 1

Since January when I finished creating my workshop out line I have been anxiously awaiting it to begin.

As weeks went by I would think of the things I needed to do in order to put this together, from posters, to target audiences, from room rentals to proposals it all came down to this past Saturday.

On Friday night I got the keys to the community centre to set up for my early morning on Saturday.

After I had the room all set up just how I wanted it I sat in the middle of it and soaked it all in.

I visualized myself there in the morning, with a group of woman, and just allowed myself to let the feeling of fullness back into my awareness. And I breathed it all in.

Saturday morning arrives and the women begin to file in. The location was a little confusing as there are multiple entrances on the building, yet there are totally separate spaces. So many were going to the School entrance not realizing what was behind was where they needed to be.

It turned out just fine. 5 amazing women came into the program room yesterday morning. Some who have taken WEL-Systems certification, some who have experienced a WEL-Systems workshop, some who I have coached and some who can in blind with no real inkling of what it was all going to be about.

I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth, I can't remember for the life of me as each minute passed. It seems as though time FLEW.

The conversations and insights that were coming up for the women were pretty awesome and very intense for some of them. I've come to discover that workshops / programs like these take on a very life of their own (which I knew, but I didn't really KNOW it). Before I knew it it was noon and we hadn't even finished all the models I had planned for the day.

My subconscious mind kept me referring to "tomorrow we will... we can talk about that tomorrow..." etc. etc. This tells me that I would prefer facilitating/guiding an experience where we go for a few days in a row, and I really feel that is right for my future programs.

Things I have learned, go wherever your awareness takes you. If I feel I start talking about something that seems so out of context stay with it until I feel it is done being said... this seems to always prove relevant to someone who is listening in a big way (sometimes bigger than I will ever know).

I felt sad when I had to close the space. I had promised to take my niece & my 2 yr old to see the Big Comfy Couch Live in Halifax at 1 p.m. The conversations needed to continue happening and some big waves came for some people as I was packing up. Note to self for next time... leave at least 2 hrs free after a workshop experience to talk with anyone who needs some more time.

Inhale.

Counting down the days until next Saturday. Riding the waves that are my life.

Power Deck by Lynn Andrews

Dream

One day you will remember the Great Dream, and the way will become known to you.

You entered into life through the veil of the Dream, because your reason for being here must be kept secret from you until you find your way home.

You don't know who you are, but one fine day you will remember.

It is like creation looking for itself.

You are in oneness with all life, though you are not aware of it.

You will awaken from the Dream.

Let the Great Mother rest within your spirit. She is the universe. She is the womb of all life. She is the light that shines from your eyes, illuminating your daily dreams.

The possibilities you dream of will become your reality.

How is that for a metaphor for my life right now? There is always more.

Connecting with Myself

A Deep Breath.

The kids are gone... I am home.

Jessica went off to school and Sara is at the babysitters, Mike is at work. The cats are curled up in a ball on the chair.

It is raining/snowing and I sit in my flannel jammies with a hot cup of coffee and begin my day.

This is how I will be beginning my days in a few years time. Not having to worry about getting to the office for 8 a.m. simply allowing myself to awaken in a slow and luxurious way. Letting my creativity move through me and deciding in the moment what I want to do.

Today I begin my day reflecting on what days like these are going to mean for me in my near future. Reveling in the feeling of peace, relaxation and excitement in the knowledge that I create my days and how they flow.

My first workshop begins tomorrow. I have facilitated on my own in the past, co-facilitated with others, but never a workshop that I created that will span over a few weeks.

This feels different from Coffee Conversations & Catalysts, this is not just an open forum, it will have structure, yet still the freedom of flow, who knows where the conversations will lead and what will come up for us during these next 3 Saturdays?

There is a group of 7 participants coming in tomorrow morning, some are friends, some are colleagues, some are co-workers, some are parents and people I have not yet met. What I know is the people who are coming will be the right ones to be in the program room at this time.

When I close my eyes and allow myself to consider the outcome of my workshop, I quickly feel myself tapped into the fullness of my Self.

This is what it is, this is what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.

How many people can I touch by sharing my story, sharing my experiences, presenting a different world view to consider of your own lives and how you are living, by simply showing up?

If I knew how many people have been moved or affected by my words in some meaningful way I know I would be shocked at the numbers (this is not cockiness this is fact). I think we all are unaware of just how much impact our stories have on other peoples lives. I think this is a really important reason to live your live authentically and speak your truth.

Today I prepare, I relax, I reconnect and settle in with the person I am. Tomorrow the world with shift a little more, once again.

There is always more... tomorrow is a new and fantastic day.

Peace and Traquility

Last night I discovered a place of peace and tranquility.

I discovered a quiet niche.

I discovered a place to be with my thoughts that inspired me to write.

Who Knew it was in my own room?

For a few years I have had an old desk in my room unused (with exception to store my "need to iron" laundry on) at the end of my bed.

I needed to collating the papers for the hand book for this weekend Parenting workshop so I chose to do so in my room. I decided to light the candles (I never use) and get to work.

When I was done I sat at the desk facing my wall (Shirley Valentine moment) and I felt the urge to write. I put on some relaxing music and wrote a short piece entitled "Believe" which I am including at the end of this post.

Who knew I had this inspired space in my sanctuary... my room?

And it beacons me again tonight, come sit, relax, quiet your thoughts and listen to your inner whispers.

Finding time to be with myself is very meaningful for me right now. Centering myself, focusing on my intention for my workshop this weekend.

Life is indeed good, and tomorrow is a new day.

Believe

Believe in Self.

Believe in your Truth.

Trust your Experience.

Trust in your Sacred.

Stand in your Majesty.

Know this is who you are.

Know that I am... I am all I need.

I am full of Potential.

I am Capable.

I am Brilliant.

I am a god force expressing myself through this body.

I am... just as you are...

Believe it.

Countdown to Parenting Workshop

4 more sleeps until the first day of my parenting workshop "Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting".

Louise says she and Paul have finished the editing and are in the process of completing the visuals for my CD. Copies are being sent to me as we speak!

I am getting together the final details and supplies. I still have a couple of spaces left (*wink*).

I know this workshop is one that is beneficial to ALL not just parents as it has so much to do with who we really are, authentic self and who we can become, unfolding self, unlimited potential. Recognizing our unconscious behaviors and asking the question... does this still serve me in my evolution of becoming my potential self? Owning the response and acting accordingly.

There is the perfect amount of people already registered and I am really looking forward to engaging with them.

I am also aware of this building excitement inside of me. Just who am I going to become after the workshop is all done? Who knows?

There are many interesting things happening over the next 30 days and it is a good time to be a WEL-Woman in the East Coast! More details for other events in later blogs. Stay tuned!

Tomorrow is a new day... life is good.

Matching the outside with the in

I'm beginning a journey to physical health today.

I have been very aware with how icky my body feels from carrying so much weight around with me.

I am creating a parallel blog that will have everything to do with WHOLE Health & Me, and in some way I think I will incorporate a weekly video journal... although I am not sure how / if I can do all of this on my own.

That blog will be separate from this one as I want to continue to dedicate this one to inner curiosities, inner growth, and what it means or could mean for others.

I am also not sure when my "parallel" blog will be live yet, but watch for it and know it's coming as soon as I allow myself to decloak that side of my self.

Be well.

Greater Reality

I’m still blown away each time I explore the definition of reality. I don’t think we ever stop to consider it. We go about living our lives just accepting reality is just us, and assuming it is the same for each of us.

So why not take the time to stop and consider… What is my personal definition? What is my reality? Ask a friend or family member the same question.

Dictionary.com definition of Reality:
1. The state or quality of being real.
2. Resemblance to what is real.
3. A real thing or fact.
4. Real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5. Philosophy.
a. something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b. something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

Now consider a person with a disability; a woman in China; A man in New Zealand; a student in Rio de Janeiro.

Each person will have a different perspective, a different concept of what is reality for them. Not one of us has the same experience of reality because each of us is unique.

The population of our global community is approximately 6,586,804,171 people… this is how many different “realities” there are out there.

I do not have the same life experiences as my sister; therefore even though we were brought up together we did not have the same experiences shaping our realities. My reality is not hers.

Stop and listen… respect & learn from each others experiences/realities. Consider the possibilities.

What if we as a global community came to know this “Structure of Reality”*? We could no longer look at people in the same light; we could see the knowledge and wisdom in everyone from the street beggar to the Queen of England and everyone in between.. Just because you have no personal experience or knowledge of something does not make it less real.

If we all knew this as second nature I don’t believe there would be wars or intentional killings, we would simply know that we all can be right, believe what we believe; be a Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Atheist, whatever. And be concerned only with ourselves not with converting or conforming others to our views. Think about it… how many wars are happening in our world because someone is trying to impose their way of life on others?

If we could just accept other people’s views and our individual rights, the world would be a much different place.

Tomorrow is a new day… there is always more.

* Structure of Reality is a WEL-Systems Model

Getting Over Yourself

How many times in our lives do we remain silent?

How often do we think we “know” how someone will react if we approach them?

How many times do we allow ourselves not to go that route because we think we know the outcome?

How often are we selling ourselves short, limiting our own growth, allowing relationships to get stale… all because we doubt ourselves… doubt in our truth, doubt in our voice, doubt in our magnificence.

Get over yourself.

If you perceive someone as limiting you at work, are you going to be the victim?
If you perceive your relationship as hitting a rough spot, do you remain silent?
If you perceive others of turning away from you if you speak your truth, do you live a lie?

Get over yourself.

What I have come to realize in my life is that 95% of how I believed others would react to something I had to say, do or ask was in fact made up in my head. You don’t know how someone is going to act / react until you open your mouth to engage with them.

The majority of the time you have worried yourself sick thinking about saying something and if you actually gather up the courage to do it you are pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

What is the right thing to say?

Should I even bring that up?

What if they laugh?

What if they think I’m stupid?

What if he/she leaves me?

What if they take offence?

What if?

What if you don’t? You will never know. You will never grow. Things will never change.
What if you remain silent? People may not have seen what you saw; they won’t have the opportunity to make different choices.

Get over yourself.

By remaining silent about what is important to you, by allowing your fear the unknown and kept silent (not engage) you are limiting yourself.

By not asking for what you want others will never know and it will be 100 times harder to get it, don’t let the stories you tell yourself get in your way, people love to help other people… just ask.

It boils down to voice.

Being willing to speak authentically, about what is meaningful to you.

Being willing to take a breath and engage with the person you hold as having something you want or the keeper of that thing and let them know how you feel.

Being willing to be vulnerable, to say “I am nervous about asking you this and it has prevented me from approaching you in the past but…” I have seen this open up a whole different dynamic between two people. One who was always intimidated and the other who didn’t even know they were being perceived as being intimidating.

Being willing to accept the consequences and being resourceful with yourself, what ever the outcome may be. This is what I want in my life, nothing less, can you do that? If not I am happy to be on my own.

And if you don’t speak, nothing will change, except for inside of you when you become bitter, cynical, and depressed.

Get over yourself.

You are the only one who controls your life.

You are the only one who makes choices on your own behalf from moment to moment.

Own those choices.

Celebrate in the knowledge that they are your choices.

Take control of how you move through your world.

Live at Cause.

And live a full and meaningful life by your own design.
Tomorrow is a new day… there is always more.

Is it too late?

I read Anita's blog entry today and I began to think about how much I missed of Jessica's childhood and how much I made her miss out on the wonderment of it all.

When Jessica was 2 yrs old I was a single mother, I was 21 years old. I can remember resenting being a single mother so much that it ate away at me.

I was so preoccupied with how hard it was to be home all day long with a child, to not have money, and to not have the luxury of being able to go out with my friends without my child... I was so busy worrying about being the sole caretaker that I forgot to enjoy my child.

Jessica learned from a very early age to grow up quickly. She always had to take on more than your average child. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me and how I was doing things that I spent alot of my time at home stressed out, depressed and trying to get things in order. Try doing this with a 2 yr old... not an easy task so I had her do chores with me.

Being 2 and helping with the dishes or sweeping the floors can be a fun thing, but when you are 2 with an adult who is stressed or depressed the feelings associated with these tasks are not ones of fun.

I was also preoccupied with playing "the game". I wanted to hurt Mike and the only way I could was with Jessica. I tried to make him feel guilty for not spending time with her. At times I would say she couldn't stay over when he wanted her too. There were even times I would have Jessica talk to him on the phone and say she wanted to see him. I was angry at him for leaving and was blind to what I was doing to our daughter in the process.

I also was lonely. For those who know me and know my past you can understand where this is coming from. I always felt a hole in myself. I felt unworthy. I felt unlovable. I felt isolated. I felt incomplete. So when another "man" came along and paid me compliments I was preoccupied with him, not my daughter.

During an almost 5 year period Jessica learned to rely on herself. She was used to a mother who was there but not fully there. She was used to pitching in to keep house. She was used to comforting and consoling her mother.

When Jessica was 7 yrs old, Mike and I got back together. Both more "mature" however I for one was still lost (i.e. felt like I was missing something, not whole).

Another 3 years go by. We have another baby girl, I am trying to be a caretaker, a mother, a disciplinarian, a bread winner, a volunteer, etc.

Life is stressful, life is serious, we don't ever have money or time for fun.

And then I take a breath, I started taking course, I discovered who I am and who I can become, I learned to look at my whole life and my children for the brilliant perfect beings they were and can be again (after they can get rid of the crap I detailed above).

I looked at my daughter and saw she is no longer a little girl, she is a beautiful young woman who is just beginning to explore some Independence, who makes fantastic decisions, who is helpful and caring, to her friends, children, animals, and sometimes even her parents!

Time has gotten away from me. From us, I see her at 11 yrs old, so grown up, and I want to tell her to stop.

WAIT! I'm sorry I encouraged you to grow up so fast, don't forget you are still a child, don't forget to have fun.

Let's run, let's skip, let's laugh, let's play.

But she is almost a teenager and that just isn't cool do do with your mom anymore. I've missed the boat.

Did I cause her to totally forget how to be a child by my parenting style? Is it too late?

I believe it is never too late. As I have changed the way I move through the world this past year, I began to change how I engage with my kids, and I am seeing a difference.

My daughter has a voice, she is no longer afraid to speak up when she feels she has to. She is laughing more, especially this past month with Mike on board. She is exploring more, she is choosing more, she is fantastic.

Maybe one day she will not worry so much about what other people think and maybe one day she will shock me and hold my hand in public... (GASP!!)

It is never too late to be there for your child... to listen to his or her concerns... to allow them to have a temper tantrum, to witness their anger or tears and not dismiss that. To allow them to be exactly who they are in the moment it happens.

Life is good, there is always more.