Is it too late?

I read Anita's blog entry today and I began to think about how much I missed of Jessica's childhood and how much I made her miss out on the wonderment of it all.

When Jessica was 2 yrs old I was a single mother, I was 21 years old. I can remember resenting being a single mother so much that it ate away at me.

I was so preoccupied with how hard it was to be home all day long with a child, to not have money, and to not have the luxury of being able to go out with my friends without my child... I was so busy worrying about being the sole caretaker that I forgot to enjoy my child.

Jessica learned from a very early age to grow up quickly. She always had to take on more than your average child. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me and how I was doing things that I spent alot of my time at home stressed out, depressed and trying to get things in order. Try doing this with a 2 yr old... not an easy task so I had her do chores with me.

Being 2 and helping with the dishes or sweeping the floors can be a fun thing, but when you are 2 with an adult who is stressed or depressed the feelings associated with these tasks are not ones of fun.

I was also preoccupied with playing "the game". I wanted to hurt Mike and the only way I could was with Jessica. I tried to make him feel guilty for not spending time with her. At times I would say she couldn't stay over when he wanted her too. There were even times I would have Jessica talk to him on the phone and say she wanted to see him. I was angry at him for leaving and was blind to what I was doing to our daughter in the process.

I also was lonely. For those who know me and know my past you can understand where this is coming from. I always felt a hole in myself. I felt unworthy. I felt unlovable. I felt isolated. I felt incomplete. So when another "man" came along and paid me compliments I was preoccupied with him, not my daughter.

During an almost 5 year period Jessica learned to rely on herself. She was used to a mother who was there but not fully there. She was used to pitching in to keep house. She was used to comforting and consoling her mother.

When Jessica was 7 yrs old, Mike and I got back together. Both more "mature" however I for one was still lost (i.e. felt like I was missing something, not whole).

Another 3 years go by. We have another baby girl, I am trying to be a caretaker, a mother, a disciplinarian, a bread winner, a volunteer, etc.

Life is stressful, life is serious, we don't ever have money or time for fun.

And then I take a breath, I started taking course, I discovered who I am and who I can become, I learned to look at my whole life and my children for the brilliant perfect beings they were and can be again (after they can get rid of the crap I detailed above).

I looked at my daughter and saw she is no longer a little girl, she is a beautiful young woman who is just beginning to explore some Independence, who makes fantastic decisions, who is helpful and caring, to her friends, children, animals, and sometimes even her parents!

Time has gotten away from me. From us, I see her at 11 yrs old, so grown up, and I want to tell her to stop.

WAIT! I'm sorry I encouraged you to grow up so fast, don't forget you are still a child, don't forget to have fun.

Let's run, let's skip, let's laugh, let's play.

But she is almost a teenager and that just isn't cool do do with your mom anymore. I've missed the boat.

Did I cause her to totally forget how to be a child by my parenting style? Is it too late?

I believe it is never too late. As I have changed the way I move through the world this past year, I began to change how I engage with my kids, and I am seeing a difference.

My daughter has a voice, she is no longer afraid to speak up when she feels she has to. She is laughing more, especially this past month with Mike on board. She is exploring more, she is choosing more, she is fantastic.

Maybe one day she will not worry so much about what other people think and maybe one day she will shock me and hold my hand in public... (GASP!!)

It is never too late to be there for your child... to listen to his or her concerns... to allow them to have a temper tantrum, to witness their anger or tears and not dismiss that. To allow them to be exactly who they are in the moment it happens.

Life is good, there is always more.