Mortality and Chapters

Guilt is a chapter in my life that is closed and done with. It no longer serves me any purpose. It just keeps me small and casts doubt within myself. Most of the guilt I had was based on learned behaviors, church (Catholic upbringing), ties in with the family guilt based on catholic values. The other guilt stemmed from knowing now, what I didn't know before and seeing how I could have been doing things differently. And that is the past, not the present or the future so again this is something that no longer serves me. I know by being rid of this chapter (or dead horse), I will create the space to be truly present to what is going on and to truly be awake when I am with my children, spouse, family, co-worker. I can dance a different dance with them, one that is lighter (a dead horse is quite cumbersome you know).

Shame is a chapter of my life that has recently come into my consciousness. And all be it a short visit with Shame this is one chapter that I know I do not need around as it truly holds nothing for me that will take me into my future. To close this chapter I can visit these things that I hold as shameful, let them rumble through my being and metabolize the messages they hold for me. This is a chapter I want to close, this is also homework for me tonight. To allow Shame to rumble through my cells, each of the points I listed under the title. And see how each feels in each Chakra. Let my body do the work, be done with it, claim it, own it, and complete that chapter of my life. Shame is a powerful word for me, one that I don't want to listen to anymore.

As I am tasked to think about Mortality, I think about the ebb and flow of all that is energetic life. I reflect on the ebb and flow in the context of mortality. How one chapter must end for the next chapter to begin. A chapter must end... or a new one can not begin. They story can never get told if we get stuck in chapter one.

So already I can reflect on different chapters in my life that have completed themselves. The old Lori Walton from a year ago is no longer present in this body as I do not and never will hold myself to be that person anymore. That was a person who didn't have a voice, no self esteem, was unhappy, unworthy and stupid (to name but a few), some new words that I would use for my old self are lost, asleep, comatose at times. This is definitely not who I am now, nor who I will ever be in my emerging future.

When you close a chapter of your life, much like revealing a secret, you feel lighter, more at ease, more powerful, more free. I keep saying own it, claim it, engage. I can see how these phrases can relate in so much of my unfolding self.

So a song has just come into my consciousness called "The Power of Goodbye" by Madonna and the words that jumped out at me were "Freedom comes when you learn to let go, Creation comes when you learn to say no... you were my lesson, I had to learn... I was your fortress you had to burn, pain is a warning that somethings wrong" Now if that is not a metaphor for Mortality, for closing chapters in your life, what the fuck is? Freedom comes as you complete a chapter, story or journey, creation comes when you say no to dancing that same dance. The chapter once served a purpose it was my lesson, I was the vessel for the fire to burn, and the pain is a warning that we need to pay attention!

Well I must say that summed it up beautifully for me. So now I rumble around with shame... and as I close these two chapters Guilt & Shame tonight, who knows who I will wake up as tomorrow?