My thoughts have been caught up with preparing for the holiday season... yet somewhere deep within are the whispers to continue to write my book. "The Myth of the Intact Family"* still is demanding my attention.
Ever since leaving the Whispers from Within writing workshop I have been longing to be back at Oceanstone (or at least not having to worry about my "real life"). If only I could stay at home and write, whenever the urge came upon me.
Another reason why I can't wait for Christmas... I am going to be off for 11½ glorious days... my intention for this time is to write every time Sara is down for her naps. Make a nice hot tea and have me time... to remember... to explore... to discover... to grow, and to continue writing my book about my "family".
I will enjoy my time off. And I hope to accomplish much with my writing... and still enjoy my time with my girls and family.
My whispers are there, waiting for me to engage with them again, what wonderful things will come of it? Who knows! This is what I love most about this journey of my life, there is always more.
* "The Myth of the Intact Family" is my tentative title for my book.
Showing posts with label Whispers from Within. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Whispers from Within. Show all posts
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Art Workshop Wednesday
We are about to embark on a day of discovery through Art... I'm not sure what type of art we will be creating, what mediums, what context. I know that I am done with the horse, chapter, circles of guilt and of shame. They no longer serve a purpose for me. I will gladly go and let them fall away effortlessly. I am curious as to what creations will extend out of my hand onto the paper. Which expression of myself will emerge? Who have I become to date and who will I become in my future? I can feel something big happening in my body, something huge will be emerging today. I am excited, anxious and waiting with baited breath... just what will be created as I know have space, once again.
SO what does this mornings creation mean? It began as my "name", as my "courage"... and it transformed into this fantastic powerful flow of movement. Courage is sourced by something more, the blend into the field coming through the core into the word "Courage" feeding it and allowing it to flow through the body of my work and back out into the universe, fed from the dark strength that is transforming into light as it returns to the field. Lots of movement with the sea, It takes me back to one of my first experiences of being in the field during a white feather induction I think with Celine & Cathy, I lost myself and was looking at a fish floating in a body of water, it was a bright fish the surrounding water was dark and isolated.
Today the first image I was drawn to was that of a fish, immense and colourful in the dark water, however along the edges of the water there was other fishes, much smaller, camouflaged almost, and ever present. For me it meant I could be large, immense and colourful, I can be seen as standing alone, yet remain mindful that there is others who are around me, with whom I am ever connected with.
The second image I choose still had the sea around it although I didn't recognize this until recently. It is that of a raven on top of a rock outcropping, majestic and standing alone as a beacon for others to see.
The rock I chose, I chose from afar because of the attractiveness of the out croppings, the nooks and crannies... and as I came close enough I come to see Shit... it is actually a piece of coral... again with the sea.
The sea. The sea represents immensity, fluidity, movement, the field. It represents all of that and more. The sea can be loud and rough, the sea can be calm and quiet. The sea supports life, the sea can also take it. The sea has continual movement, the endless ebb and flow of the tide, the waves crashing upon the shore, or lapping on the shore at times. But always moving, never the same yet is always familiar.
I have come to really love the pencil sketch that has come out of Lori's Courage... and the other art I created during the day. As a good friend of mine has been known to say..."Who Knew?".
Leona was very present this week through out the Whispers from Within Women's Writing Retreat, on my holodeck and that of others. Her beautiful poetry, songs and stories she shared with many of us on Sunday evening before this retreat began still are rippling through my consciousness. So as she once intended to be here this week... although not physically present, her essence has definitely been popping up through this week.
Today was a day of discovery. A day to feel the energy move though my hands and manifest as beautiful creations on the page in front of me... Creations that I am definitely going to hang up for display at home. After today I feel that there is creativity in all of us, and one of the tricks to bring it out is to focus on one word that holds deep meaning for you and expand on it. It was truly amazing to see the magnificent pieces all of the women created, I look forward to continuing with this medium as well as with words.
Today I found the creative me, the me that reveled in the sound of the graphite on the paper, the me that smudged and blended with my fingers, the me that used my nails to remove excess wax. I played, I created, I expressed, I enjoyed, I laughed, I felt, I moved, I am.
Tomorrow is unknown. And I am again so excited to see who I will become tomorrow.
SO what does this mornings creation mean? It began as my "name", as my "courage"... and it transformed into this fantastic powerful flow of movement. Courage is sourced by something more, the blend into the field coming through the core into the word "Courage" feeding it and allowing it to flow through the body of my work and back out into the universe, fed from the dark strength that is transforming into light as it returns to the field. Lots of movement with the sea, It takes me back to one of my first experiences of being in the field during a white feather induction I think with Celine & Cathy, I lost myself and was looking at a fish floating in a body of water, it was a bright fish the surrounding water was dark and isolated.
Today the first image I was drawn to was that of a fish, immense and colourful in the dark water, however along the edges of the water there was other fishes, much smaller, camouflaged almost, and ever present. For me it meant I could be large, immense and colourful, I can be seen as standing alone, yet remain mindful that there is others who are around me, with whom I am ever connected with.
The second image I choose still had the sea around it although I didn't recognize this until recently. It is that of a raven on top of a rock outcropping, majestic and standing alone as a beacon for others to see.
The rock I chose, I chose from afar because of the attractiveness of the out croppings, the nooks and crannies... and as I came close enough I come to see Shit... it is actually a piece of coral... again with the sea.
The sea. The sea represents immensity, fluidity, movement, the field. It represents all of that and more. The sea can be loud and rough, the sea can be calm and quiet. The sea supports life, the sea can also take it. The sea has continual movement, the endless ebb and flow of the tide, the waves crashing upon the shore, or lapping on the shore at times. But always moving, never the same yet is always familiar.
I have come to really love the pencil sketch that has come out of Lori's Courage... and the other art I created during the day. As a good friend of mine has been known to say..."Who Knew?".
Leona was very present this week through out the Whispers from Within Women's Writing Retreat, on my holodeck and that of others. Her beautiful poetry, songs and stories she shared with many of us on Sunday evening before this retreat began still are rippling through my consciousness. So as she once intended to be here this week... although not physically present, her essence has definitely been popping up through this week.
Today was a day of discovery. A day to feel the energy move though my hands and manifest as beautiful creations on the page in front of me... Creations that I am definitely going to hang up for display at home. After today I feel that there is creativity in all of us, and one of the tricks to bring it out is to focus on one word that holds deep meaning for you and expand on it. It was truly amazing to see the magnificent pieces all of the women created, I look forward to continuing with this medium as well as with words.
Today I found the creative me, the me that reveled in the sound of the graphite on the paper, the me that smudged and blended with my fingers, the me that used my nails to remove excess wax. I played, I created, I expressed, I enjoyed, I laughed, I felt, I moved, I am.
Tomorrow is unknown. And I am again so excited to see who I will become tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Mortality and Chapters
Guilt is a chapter in my life that is closed and done with. It no longer serves me any purpose. It just keeps me small and casts doubt within myself. Most of the guilt I had was based on learned behaviors, church (Catholic upbringing), ties in with the family guilt based on catholic values. The other guilt stemmed from knowing now, what I didn't know before and seeing how I could have been doing things differently. And that is the past, not the present or the future so again this is something that no longer serves me. I know by being rid of this chapter (or dead horse), I will create the space to be truly present to what is going on and to truly be awake when I am with my children, spouse, family, co-worker. I can dance a different dance with them, one that is lighter (a dead horse is quite cumbersome you know).
Shame is a chapter of my life that has recently come into my consciousness. And all be it a short visit with Shame this is one chapter that I know I do not need around as it truly holds nothing for me that will take me into my future. To close this chapter I can visit these things that I hold as shameful, let them rumble through my being and metabolize the messages they hold for me. This is a chapter I want to close, this is also homework for me tonight. To allow Shame to rumble through my cells, each of the points I listed under the title. And see how each feels in each Chakra. Let my body do the work, be done with it, claim it, own it, and complete that chapter of my life. Shame is a powerful word for me, one that I don't want to listen to anymore.
As I am tasked to think about Mortality, I think about the ebb and flow of all that is energetic life. I reflect on the ebb and flow in the context of mortality. How one chapter must end for the next chapter to begin. A chapter must end... or a new one can not begin. They story can never get told if we get stuck in chapter one.
So already I can reflect on different chapters in my life that have completed themselves. The old Lori Walton from a year ago is no longer present in this body as I do not and never will hold myself to be that person anymore. That was a person who didn't have a voice, no self esteem, was unhappy, unworthy and stupid (to name but a few), some new words that I would use for my old self are lost, asleep, comatose at times. This is definitely not who I am now, nor who I will ever be in my emerging future.
When you close a chapter of your life, much like revealing a secret, you feel lighter, more at ease, more powerful, more free. I keep saying own it, claim it, engage. I can see how these phrases can relate in so much of my unfolding self.
So a song has just come into my consciousness called "The Power of Goodbye" by Madonna and the words that jumped out at me were "Freedom comes when you learn to let go, Creation comes when you learn to say no... you were my lesson, I had to learn... I was your fortress you had to burn, pain is a warning that somethings wrong" Now if that is not a metaphor for Mortality, for closing chapters in your life, what the fuck is? Freedom comes as you complete a chapter, story or journey, creation comes when you say no to dancing that same dance. The chapter once served a purpose it was my lesson, I was the vessel for the fire to burn, and the pain is a warning that we need to pay attention!
Well I must say that summed it up beautifully for me. So now I rumble around with shame... and as I close these two chapters Guilt & Shame tonight, who knows who I will wake up as tomorrow?
Shame is a chapter of my life that has recently come into my consciousness. And all be it a short visit with Shame this is one chapter that I know I do not need around as it truly holds nothing for me that will take me into my future. To close this chapter I can visit these things that I hold as shameful, let them rumble through my being and metabolize the messages they hold for me. This is a chapter I want to close, this is also homework for me tonight. To allow Shame to rumble through my cells, each of the points I listed under the title. And see how each feels in each Chakra. Let my body do the work, be done with it, claim it, own it, and complete that chapter of my life. Shame is a powerful word for me, one that I don't want to listen to anymore.
As I am tasked to think about Mortality, I think about the ebb and flow of all that is energetic life. I reflect on the ebb and flow in the context of mortality. How one chapter must end for the next chapter to begin. A chapter must end... or a new one can not begin. They story can never get told if we get stuck in chapter one.
So already I can reflect on different chapters in my life that have completed themselves. The old Lori Walton from a year ago is no longer present in this body as I do not and never will hold myself to be that person anymore. That was a person who didn't have a voice, no self esteem, was unhappy, unworthy and stupid (to name but a few), some new words that I would use for my old self are lost, asleep, comatose at times. This is definitely not who I am now, nor who I will ever be in my emerging future.
When you close a chapter of your life, much like revealing a secret, you feel lighter, more at ease, more powerful, more free. I keep saying own it, claim it, engage. I can see how these phrases can relate in so much of my unfolding self.
So a song has just come into my consciousness called "The Power of Goodbye" by Madonna and the words that jumped out at me were "Freedom comes when you learn to let go, Creation comes when you learn to say no... you were my lesson, I had to learn... I was your fortress you had to burn, pain is a warning that somethings wrong" Now if that is not a metaphor for Mortality, for closing chapters in your life, what the fuck is? Freedom comes as you complete a chapter, story or journey, creation comes when you say no to dancing that same dance. The chapter once served a purpose it was my lesson, I was the vessel for the fire to burn, and the pain is a warning that we need to pay attention!
Well I must say that summed it up beautifully for me. So now I rumble around with shame... and as I close these two chapters Guilt & Shame tonight, who knows who I will wake up as tomorrow?
Boundless - Bounded Edition
If I were to leave this body today, what I am, who I have become and who I know I have not yet revealed.
I am huge. I am immense. I am god. I have the capacity to become anything I wish. I am a woman (which was the vessel of my choice). Being a woman has given me my own unique sound. I have a unique power, with passion and spirit. I shape my world, I manifest my future.
I am a force to be reckoned with... yet I will not be swayed by your opinions of me.
I want others to know they have all of this within themselves. I want them to know they are able to shape their own models of the world. If they awaken to the power of their personal potential, "Just who can I become"?
I know as each day passes by, each hour, each minute, I am more than I was.
The Whispers from Within need only to be claimed in your consciousness to own. They will no longer be a nagging feeling somewhere in the pit of your soul. When you claim it into your consciousness you become very clear on it if it truly resonates for you.
As I struggled with decloaking to my spouse... what I was really struggling with was a Whisper from Within.
What I knew I had to say to him, was something I hadn't yet said to myself... and by wanting to decloak to my spouse I would actually have to own it and claim it for me... scary stuff.
whisper... whisper...
The clarity of claiming it in my body... well at least silently by writing it down on paper. Speaking it out loud is a whole different ball game. I gathered my strength and stepped out of my box and told him what I needed him to hear. And lo and behold, my relationship did not fall apart, the world did not crumble as I feared it would. And now it leads me to consider, how important I felt it was for us to be married. For 12 years I have thought this is something I needed from him to prove himself to me... really it was all about my insecurities.
Marriage... marriage is not what I need where I had held a belief for so long this is what I wanted this is what I needed to be complete. This belief does not serve me any longer. Marriage may not be where I want to go right now.
What does marriage (a nominalization) mean to me? Commitment, love, safety & security (in companionship), makes it difficult to leave, bound, not free... yet free. Co-parent, co-create, live, love, free to travel, without guilt. I love him, I am enveloped by his presence, I am comfortable with him... and does that mean we need to be Married???
Can we go along with a marriage respecting each other fully and not losing ourselves? I will not again lose myself, become less than, be small... because I am immense, I am huge, and you can NOT change me. I will not allow myself to be anything but my authentic, evolving self.
I want people (me) to know the bounds they hold true for themselves (myself) are only "held" there by themselves (myself). We are boundless... (I am boundless...) We are limitless... (I am limitless...) I can be free, if I choose to be.
I inspire others, much like I am inspired by others.
I engage in life fully, in a life that holds passion and meaning for me.
I speak my truth, unabashed and unapologetically, as I know my voice can make a difference.
I take up space, I am huge, I am immense, my energy is big and I love it!
I break the thin ice on the puddle just to hear that sound of pure joy from my past.
I stuck out my tongue and tasted the first snowfall of the year, and sang, and smiled in the dark, cold night.
The sound of the fire crackling and popping is inviting. The warmth from the hearth is soothing. I feel so comfortable, I am home. I am god. I am me. I am free.
I am huge. I am immense. I am god. I have the capacity to become anything I wish. I am a woman (which was the vessel of my choice). Being a woman has given me my own unique sound. I have a unique power, with passion and spirit. I shape my world, I manifest my future.
I am a force to be reckoned with... yet I will not be swayed by your opinions of me.
I want others to know they have all of this within themselves. I want them to know they are able to shape their own models of the world. If they awaken to the power of their personal potential, "Just who can I become"?
I know as each day passes by, each hour, each minute, I am more than I was.
The Whispers from Within need only to be claimed in your consciousness to own. They will no longer be a nagging feeling somewhere in the pit of your soul. When you claim it into your consciousness you become very clear on it if it truly resonates for you.
As I struggled with decloaking to my spouse... what I was really struggling with was a Whisper from Within.
What I knew I had to say to him, was something I hadn't yet said to myself... and by wanting to decloak to my spouse I would actually have to own it and claim it for me... scary stuff.
whisper... whisper...
The clarity of claiming it in my body... well at least silently by writing it down on paper. Speaking it out loud is a whole different ball game. I gathered my strength and stepped out of my box and told him what I needed him to hear. And lo and behold, my relationship did not fall apart, the world did not crumble as I feared it would. And now it leads me to consider, how important I felt it was for us to be married. For 12 years I have thought this is something I needed from him to prove himself to me... really it was all about my insecurities.
Marriage... marriage is not what I need where I had held a belief for so long this is what I wanted this is what I needed to be complete. This belief does not serve me any longer. Marriage may not be where I want to go right now.
What does marriage (a nominalization) mean to me? Commitment, love, safety & security (in companionship), makes it difficult to leave, bound, not free... yet free. Co-parent, co-create, live, love, free to travel, without guilt. I love him, I am enveloped by his presence, I am comfortable with him... and does that mean we need to be Married???
Can we go along with a marriage respecting each other fully and not losing ourselves? I will not again lose myself, become less than, be small... because I am immense, I am huge, and you can NOT change me. I will not allow myself to be anything but my authentic, evolving self.
I want people (me) to know the bounds they hold true for themselves (myself) are only "held" there by themselves (myself). We are boundless... (I am boundless...) We are limitless... (I am limitless...) I can be free, if I choose to be.
I inspire others, much like I am inspired by others.
I engage in life fully, in a life that holds passion and meaning for me.
I speak my truth, unabashed and unapologetically, as I know my voice can make a difference.
I take up space, I am huge, I am immense, my energy is big and I love it!
I break the thin ice on the puddle just to hear that sound of pure joy from my past.
I stuck out my tongue and tasted the first snowfall of the year, and sang, and smiled in the dark, cold night.
The sound of the fire crackling and popping is inviting. The warmth from the hearth is soothing. I feel so comfortable, I am home. I am god. I am me. I am free.
Are you being served?
My stomach was knotting up, my throat was dry like it has never been before in the past... right from the back of my mouth down into my chest into my power chakra. I knew I needed to read "Boundless" out loud to the women in this room, to decloak.
I can't believe it... yes I can. I revealed my most deepest, darkest, secret to this group of women... and it wasn't so bad.
I didn't get laughed at, they didn't get up and leave appalled and disgusted, I didn't die from shame and humiliation. Again, this is a boundary that I imposed upon myself with my worry and concern over society's hang ups. What other people think of me is not my business... except for when I make it my business...bounds...limitations... boundaries... boxes.
Man, I talk a good talk and I still have / created boxes in my life. Boxes I built to keep in and control the shame and humiliation I imagined there would be, if I really decloaked and let everyone see the real me.
I don't need boxes in my life. I don't want, won't allow myself to be bound any longer. Just get over myself and get on with it. Live it. Claim it. Own it. Engage.
Where else in my life am I hanging onto something, box, bound, strategy, label... that is taking up space and not allowing room for growth?
What can I get rid of that no longer serves me?
Shame...
Guilt...
Silence...
I can't believe it... yes I can. I revealed my most deepest, darkest, secret to this group of women... and it wasn't so bad.
I didn't get laughed at, they didn't get up and leave appalled and disgusted, I didn't die from shame and humiliation. Again, this is a boundary that I imposed upon myself with my worry and concern over society's hang ups. What other people think of me is not my business... except for when I make it my business...bounds...limitations... boundaries... boxes.
Man, I talk a good talk and I still have / created boxes in my life. Boxes I built to keep in and control the shame and humiliation I imagined there would be, if I really decloaked and let everyone see the real me.
I don't need boxes in my life. I don't want, won't allow myself to be bound any longer. Just get over myself and get on with it. Live it. Claim it. Own it. Engage.
Where else in my life am I hanging onto something, box, bound, strategy, label... that is taking up space and not allowing room for growth?
What can I get rid of that no longer serves me?
Shame...
Guilt...
Silence...
Monday, December 04, 2006
An Inconvenient Truth
Wow, just finished Watching An Inconvenient Truth. What an eye opener. The Density and Intensity of the whole world is just tangible... waiting for people to wake up! And engage!
This is a metaphor for how I feel about women in leadership... this journey I am on now. I know that we need to awaken. Awaken to our own potential, awaken to our own brilliance, awaken the possibility, inevitability's really of more.
Come to know the real true magnificent being I truly am and by claiming, owning it, living it, the world shifts.
If enough of us become awake and hear our authentic sound, and live it... the world as we know it will cease to be and a whole new future will unfold before our very eyes.
This shift of consciousness has occurred in the past, Al Gore depicted many examples of it in our history in this film... it will occur again. I know it needs to occur "now" and I know I can play a role in manifesting this.
As I was watching this film the notes I jotted down as important enough for me to jot down were when Al Gore was talking about all of the natural disasters happening in the world recently, floods, droughts, fires, Hurricanes, Tsunamis... he made a statement that I wrote down, "...nature hike through the book of revelations" That statement stuck with me. It was very profound and really served to convey the sense of intensity and seriousness of the issue.
The one major statement that keeps drifting in my consciousness is from the Declaration of Intention... "If not me, who?"
This has always attracted me. In my journey this past year in particular. If I wait around for my future to happen, it is going to happen to me... If I get up and act, in whatever way is meaningful to me, I will shape my future.
The other thing Al Gore said that resonated with me was when he was talking about being a boy before he knew the difference between fun and work... I wrote "There doesn't need to be a difference between fun and work". This leads to a whole other conversation that I have recently begun to explore... how much would it suck if you defined yourself by your work?
As I have come to "know" my own self... my authentic self, I have also come to know, my work does not define me... I define my work. I know that I can do wonderful things in my department, things I am passionate about, engaging in shaping my model of the world. I am also mindful of if there is ever a time when my department no longer creates space to sustain me moving through my world authentically, I know my story will continue elsewhere.
Who knows where my future leads... for now I know it is within the department I am, I have something unique to offer, me. The decloaked me, standing alone, stepped out of my box never to be put back in, fully aware of the power of my unlimited potential and I can see, the brilliance within you... I am calling on it, looking for some more playmates who will awaken and discover their authentic voices and call back "I'm here, I'm awake, I'm shaping my life not allowing others to shape it for me".
My journey is still very young... the excitement I felt at the beginning of it is still very prevalent... it is just bigger now. There is always more, and thank god for that...
This is a metaphor for how I feel about women in leadership... this journey I am on now. I know that we need to awaken. Awaken to our own potential, awaken to our own brilliance, awaken the possibility, inevitability's really of more.
Come to know the real true magnificent being I truly am and by claiming, owning it, living it, the world shifts.
If enough of us become awake and hear our authentic sound, and live it... the world as we know it will cease to be and a whole new future will unfold before our very eyes.
This shift of consciousness has occurred in the past, Al Gore depicted many examples of it in our history in this film... it will occur again. I know it needs to occur "now" and I know I can play a role in manifesting this.
As I was watching this film the notes I jotted down as important enough for me to jot down were when Al Gore was talking about all of the natural disasters happening in the world recently, floods, droughts, fires, Hurricanes, Tsunamis... he made a statement that I wrote down, "...nature hike through the book of revelations" That statement stuck with me. It was very profound and really served to convey the sense of intensity and seriousness of the issue.
The one major statement that keeps drifting in my consciousness is from the Declaration of Intention... "If not me, who?"
This has always attracted me. In my journey this past year in particular. If I wait around for my future to happen, it is going to happen to me... If I get up and act, in whatever way is meaningful to me, I will shape my future.
The other thing Al Gore said that resonated with me was when he was talking about being a boy before he knew the difference between fun and work... I wrote "There doesn't need to be a difference between fun and work". This leads to a whole other conversation that I have recently begun to explore... how much would it suck if you defined yourself by your work?
As I have come to "know" my own self... my authentic self, I have also come to know, my work does not define me... I define my work. I know that I can do wonderful things in my department, things I am passionate about, engaging in shaping my model of the world. I am also mindful of if there is ever a time when my department no longer creates space to sustain me moving through my world authentically, I know my story will continue elsewhere.
Who knows where my future leads... for now I know it is within the department I am, I have something unique to offer, me. The decloaked me, standing alone, stepped out of my box never to be put back in, fully aware of the power of my unlimited potential and I can see, the brilliance within you... I am calling on it, looking for some more playmates who will awaken and discover their authentic voices and call back "I'm here, I'm awake, I'm shaping my life not allowing others to shape it for me".
My journey is still very young... the excitement I felt at the beginning of it is still very prevalent... it is just bigger now. There is always more, and thank god for that...
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