The Dance...

Single Mothers / Single Mothers on Assistance this is where my attention has been going towards. This is an area in my life where I know I can make a difference and impact... on how many it's unimportant, so long as I reach one I am happy.

I find myself consider alot lately this whole parenting paradigm.

I find myself most times feeling like I still am a single mother, even though my children's father is back in our lives. I feel very much alone in this "adult" world of parenting.

Having to be responsible, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, taking care of their health (mind, body and spirit). And then having to make up stories about this man I want my children to look up to. This man I want very much to be a partner in our relationship, after all he is also a parent of our two girls and thus begins the dance of deception.

Dancing is a metaphor for this game I play where I know the type of man I want my children to look up.

I want my girls to be able to see their father loves them, by his actions, not his words. I want them to know he is interested in them, in who they are and who they are becoming. I want them to know he considers them a priority and not a burden.

And I have found myself in the past doing things to cover for him, not because he asked me to but because I felt compelled to make it "alright" for my kids. Making up stories (that I wasn't even sure were true as actions speak louder than words) about how much he really does love them, how proud he is of them, how much they mean to him... and I know because children are brilliant and that they know how they feel... and these words I tell them are contradicting what their bodies and emotions are telling them.

And what I know now is that is crazy making stuff. Imagine, if you (as an adult) met someone who had no interest in what you were doing, what you were accomplishing, not even really willing to talk with you except to criticize or occasionally inquire about your day. And imagine, if you had a mutual friend who kept telling you, they really like you, they really are proud of your accomplishments, they are so interested in your life.

How would you feel?

Now imagine being a child and these people are your parents.

I'm sure there are a few of you who did experience this in your own childhood.

So how do I end this dance I find myself dancing? I have already spoken up and said I was no longer willing to settle for less... and yet I find myself sucking it back up for a bit. I have seen changes being made already.

I figure I will wait a bit then enter the conversation again. Are these changes happening because it is what I want or are they being made because this is something you have found within yourself that you would like to improve upon? And how long do I wait?

The song has changed but I am still dancing.