Fear

The fear of letting go.

The fear of completely trusting.

The fear of knowing.

The fear of feeling.

The fear of self.

I know I can be so much more than I am already if I just allow myself to let go of the fear.

Obviously if I haven't let it go yet it is still serving me a purpose to be hanging onto it. Or is it just such a habitual response of mine now that I am hanging on because it is now a habit.

Let's work this one through... Holding onto fear... why does it still serve me?

• If I keep my self small (i.e. be afraid of just who I am) others won't think any differently of me
• If I don't acknowledge the full personal power I know I am capable of I won't freak myself out with acknowledging ALL of that (i.e. rage, fire, emotions, sadness)
• If I don't completely trust myself and I fail; I can be right with the others who doubted me
• If I hold on to my fear of becoming more... I won't expect more from others
• If I tap into my full on potential, my signal #1, I can be scary to others (one persons perception left an impression on me obviously)

And I think that final point is the point that is holding me back. In November of last year during a WEL-Systems program Resourcefulness in Action, I tapped into that signal #1 and when I realized the potential I had to manifest things in my reality, I was surprised and a bit afraid to try it again.

Soon after I claimed my "rage" back. I had always thought of the word Rage and felt that in no way described who I was. I never felt rage, I was such an easy going person, etc, etc. Who the heck was I fooling? Myself obviously, for years. And when that suppressed rage went through my body; my release of that emotion scared a dear friend of mine. And I didn't want that to happen again, so I stuffed it back in it's box.

So for me the experience of tapping into my full sense of potential, my signal #1, was closely followed by a release of long stored anger and frustration that frightened my friend. Let's cut out some words here and boil down where my fear is stemming from.

My fear of letting go and allowing myself to be fully present is when I did engage with my signal #1 I was a scary person to be around.

I also know this is a story I made up about someone else perception of me. This does not have to be a truth for me anymore because it is MY PERCEPTION of the events that happened. Reading Louise blog and speaking with some women I know, I am drawn back to that day, longing for the feeling I had. I was so in tuned with mySELF... my signal #1, I felt immense, I felt calm, I felt all encompassing, I felt heavy, I felt love, I felt light, and I don't want to hold fear with that anymore. While I was experiencing it there was no fear, there was no hate, there was no negative energy around me... why did I tack the label of fear to something that was so right?

And I pull "Masculine" from my Power Deck by Lynn Andrews. Interesting, in part it says:

Remember the power of the masculine explodes while the power of the feminine implodes, and a sacred spiral of life is set into motion. One cannot live without the other. The masculine God is in search of the feminine Goddess. He brings gifts of driving force to her powers of intuitive, creative receptivity. Both are equal warriors in the fight against ignorance.... This is your struggle in life and a great source of power for you.

So perhaps this is a metaphor for my fear of the rage that is part of me. And I should embrace that side of me, my masculine side as well as my feminine (spear and crucible) in order to feel the whole force that is me.

And there is always tomorrow... life is good.