Do we know?
Do we care?
I am full of feelings today, rage & sadness. Far too easy is it to blame the child and ignore the adults behaviour.
I was at lunch today with some coworkers and one woman whom I just met. The conversation turned to an account of someone having their son & grandson over for dinner and how the child refused to eat something he had "spit out" on his plate. (a) who wants to eat regurgitated anything if you aren't a bird. (b) maybe something was wrong? The son took the grandson aside and spanked him for refusing to eat it. I was appalled, what a horrible thing to be beaten for.
And then the woman said "I wouldn't have waited so long to beat his bottom" - I assume she is talking about her own son… but no she was talking about her grandson!
The conversation at the table around me continued around horrific behaviour of these (generalization) horrible kids now a days, and how they are in desperate need of discipline (corporal punishment) by their parents.
I am sitting there silent… dumbfounded. Holy cow, do people still feel that spanking and abusing a child is the answer? I agree with the statement that their parents need to be responsible. I also whole heartedly DISAGREE with their suggestions of physical punishment to force submission.
This conversations totally reinforced my desire and urgent need to put on my Discovering Authentic Self and Consciously Parenting workshop.
If 4 out of the 5 women at our lunch table felt in some way that corporal punishment is acceptable and the "answer" to the problem with our children… how many others are out there thinking the same thing?
Have they taken the time to consider their own actions and explore other ways; such as consciously parenting?
And tonight as I am on the computer checking out what sites have been viewed in my home (by my eldest daughter). I am drawn to explore her web page. I recently asked her to put a password protection on her webpage because she has tons of pictures of herself and her friends online and I feel that there is enough on the web for someone to find her if they really wanted to. Now you cannot see her site unless you enter a password.
I am just amazed with the abilities of the 11 & 12 year olds I know to created these fantastic websites and keep them updated.
From Jessica's webpage I link to her friends web pages, all so fantastically done… and yet as you delve more deeply into the sites I am shocked and disturbed by the content.
The content on some of those sites are sexually explicit, expressions of sadness and depression, cries for help, horrific stories of abuse and bullying of others they know.
In one case I am torn… do I call this parent and suggest she reads her daughters website? So she can talk to her 12 year old about what is appropriate and what is not? So she can approach her about the "sad story" she has posted under reads that speaks of sexual abuse to find out if it is fiction or a truth that her daughter has experienced? My gut says yes… call the mother… And I will do this tonight.
And I wonder am I the only parent out of Jessica's group of friends that checks up on what she does online. On what information she is putting out there for the world to see? Try googling your child's name and see what comes up.
Why don’t' others take the time not only to talk to their kids about what's going on in their lives, but to check up on their child's activities that are available online for the world to see, friends, strangers and predators alike?
This concerns me greatly… Do we care about what our children are doing? I do… and I care about yours too!
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2 comments:
Hi Lori,
Parenting - one of the last and most intensely protected of our cultural taboos. Mess with parenting and you mess with the future.
It takes courage to swim upstream. Like men staying silent in the midst of a rape joke, our silence in these moments allows our sense of the violation of something sacred to go unexpressed. The unfortunate part is that most who continue to hold this hostile view toward their own children do, themselves, continue to carry the residue of having been so treated themselves.
Habits are hard to break unless there is something powerful enough to get attention and interrupt the trance of this dance. And is this not what influencing with intention is all about?
I, like many other parents/people in your world, share your deep concern.
Louise
Your entry hits home. Faced with my own powerlessness regarding that poor boy that didn't want to eat and how misunderstood and alone he must have felt, I cried.
I am with Louise on that one. It takes great, great courage to not only go against the current but to act on what you believe. To get involved with someone else's family is a hard thing to do when we were taught to mind our own business. Many times I have felt the fire in me telling me to take action, to do what ever I could to influence the faith of a child. I struggle with it. I remember my father saving our neighbor’s 2-year-old daughter from getting hit by a car. She was playing in the street and a car cam. He swept her off the street and the father was so angry. To him, it was a demonstration that he couldn't take care of his daughter and he was embarrassed. These were friends of our family and after that day, they never spoke a word to us. It's common in Québec: you stay in your back yard and you mind your own business. That is my issue. Standing alone in the moment when I know deep down inside, I did the right thing.
Where do I draw the line and own can I express to a parent my concerns without sounding like I know best and they don't. When do I know when I am acting out of fear or genuine concern? When intuitions tell me that I have to do something, when is it the right thing do and when is it not?
Louise had an entry regarding her son witnessing an abusive situation, where children were left alone and traumatized. I remember thinking to my self: if I were a witness of that, how would I react? What would I do?
There is tone of room for discoveries and evolution on that subject. So much secrecy, off-limits territories to be explored. I share your concern. Children are one of my main concerns. Thanks for sharing Lori.
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