Why is it so important to have the support and acceptance of your loved ones?
Why don't we unconditionally give it to those who we love?
Why is it so important to have that person in your corner no matter what?
Why is it so devastating to find out they also don't believe in you 100%?
My spouse has shown he supports me in whatever I am doing... and I just found out he doesn't 100% believe in me.
As I'm expressing to him my frustration and sadness over my mother not supporting me and criticizing me in what I am trying to do in my world, in my community, in my life, he listens with a sympathetic ear.
When I express to him my insight that it isn't about my mother it is about a fear I have that what if she is right and I fail. He says "I understand, when you are done with it (meaning what I have created) you are afraid to see she is right".
What? What did you just say? I ask him and he says, "You aren't going to change peoples lives"... and I say "I already have".
"Well don't be surprised if you don't change any more" he says.
And here I am... waves of emotions from my past coming up to say "see... he's right you know, you were taught that as a child... you aren't good enough, your mother knows it, and in some way Mike must believe it too".
And my 11 year old just came into the room and I automatically tried to push her away, she is concerned with what is upsetting me... so she put her arms around me and I breathed. I let her know the feelings I was experiencing and told her much of it is from my past. I made sure I was clear that if I ever made her feel like she couldn't do something I was so sorry.
This wave will pass. I won't be surprised if "anger" comes to me.
Anger at how we as a society tell our children "no, you can't do that"... "this isn't the way a good girl behaves"... "that is stupid, why would you say that"... "be quite unless you are spoken too"... "think before you speak"... "think before you act"... etc, etc. Anger because as we are told this time and time again through our formative years this finds a home in our bodies and can effect the way we engage as adults, still seeking approval at the age of 31.
There is always more... and I know that after today this won't hold me down the same way any longer.
The clairty came quickly now. In reading what I have written. I know I have made a difference in some women's lives already and I know that I will make a difference in many others that I meet. I believe in myself. I know I am fully capable, we all are, if we just dare to let ourselves.
And perhaps this is why our world is in the state it is... not enough people believe that they can make an impact on their world... that they truely can shape the world they live in... one at a time... ripple to wave...
Life is good... every day I discover something more...
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Also knowing the importance of engaging with this loved one with how you precieve what they say or how they act, is so very important if you value that relationship and you were hurt by it.
In discussing with Mike how I felt about what he said it turns out I heard what I wanted to hear through a filter of my mother.
What he actually said had to do with the fact that some people won't want to change... they will choose to remain asleep.
Alway more...
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