One Year Ago Today

One year ago today was the first day of considering I was worth more.

One year ago today was the first day of considering I had potential.

One year ago today was the first day of realizing I didn’t have to settle for less.

One year ago today I began my journey. My journey to remembering my authentic self.

I am going to write now what I wrote about in my journal 1 year ago today.

~~~

06/01/30 – The beginning

Vulnerability – throat closing up

Moving through the chakra’s made me feel aware of the location of each. I felt tingling in my sixth chakra. I feel that this process is really going to aid me in my journey to becoming. The feather moving through my spine opened it up further. I need to take the time to really feel where things are at in my being as they happen. That will provide me with indicators on what and how I work on and react to situations.

Be aware of…

• My tone of voice with Jessica – Remember how tone affects how someone feels as much as hurtful words would
• My fear of sounding stupid – This is a behaviour I was taught. Don’t be afraid to share my feelings with Mike. He loves me and will not react to me as I expect.
• I have my own definition of self – I am not the person defined by my father’s words and actions. I am not a pig as my sister made me believe. I can redefine me.

My imposed definition of self is based on what was bored into my being. Imposed upon me by early life experiences.

Feeling un-worthy my dad made me feel that way by actions and words. Actions like not being worth him spending money on. Him always making sure he had and us not having.

Feeling stupid I don’t know if I was ever called stupid but certainly when I shared a thought or idea those were deemed stupid, therefore I feel stupid for saying them. This may lead into my thinking that my ideas I have now are stupid and my perception that others see me as less than themselves.

Fat pig; this one I never even realized until today. I go this one in actions and “concern” from my parents and in words while suffering physical blows form my sister. I heard it from my peers on the school yard, from strangers in the mall, from boys I had a crush on. I never realized how much I used this to define me until I started writing earlier in the day. Maybe this is why I’ve always failed at changing that… because deep down that who I hold myself to be.

My new definition of self will be amazing. We will see just how much will be in that definition and how much more that I haven’t known that I don’t know.

Define myself. Get rid of what is not serving me to become what I need to be. Be worthy, am worthy. Know that I am not who I’ve held myself to be. I am so much more than that. In order to be a true leader I need to define myself as one. I am in charge of my own future; I am strong enough and courageous enough to achieve it!

~~~
One year later I can see how far I have come. I no longer hold any of those things true for me anymore. I know as I read the words that at the time I wrote them they were “lofty expectations”; yet living it and engaging in it over the past year has really been easy for me.

I am fully engaged. I know that we are all brilliant beyond our imaginations. I know that by tapping into it and trusting that I am the one who creates and shapes my future it can be effortless.

We are culturally conditioned to “know our place” in the world and it often isn’t where we know we can make a huge impact.

There is such a fear of the unknown. There is such a fear of what will others think? There is such fear of failure. Why keep yourself in the box?

What are you passionate about? Why don’t you actually engage in creating something meaningful to you that incorporates that passion?

If not me, then who?

Lot’s has happened with in the last year, and my future is abundant.

Let’s see where I am a year from now; I’ll be looking back and reflection saying… and there is always more…

Life is good.